18 February, 2011

Will the drama ever stop?

I swear, at times the EX is more of a childish brat than I can be!
On Thursdays, he goes to school until after 9. Sometimes 9:30. Since he currently lives here I let the kids stay up, yes, on a school night until he's home. Even though their bedtime is 8:30 since we have to wake up at 7:25 just to get out the door on time to get the oldest two to school.

So he asks "So when I move out, can I still come over after school on Thursday nights to give them love for bed?"

"No, because I'd like to finally get them back on their schedule."

"What schedule?! They've been going to bed late the past few nights anyway!"
(Speaking of the devil, he just called as I was mid-writing that^.)

"Yeah, I've had a rough week, but it drives me crazy when I can't get them to bed when they should be."

"So? When did they get to bed last night? 9?!"

"Yeah, about there, but yesterday was one of those days that was really off. Still, you KNOW that I try and keep their bedtime 8:30. I've just been letting them wait up for you as you've lived here and it's just easier not to deal with the problems that would come with me putting them to bed before you got home."

"So, you've only been keeping them up when I'm at school because of me?"


"But I've told you you could put them to bed!"

"Yeah, You have, but I also know what would happen if I did."

"Whatever lady, just, wow, they don't even HAVE a schedule because you don't always get them to bed at 8:30!"

"Yeah, I know, it doesn't always happen the way I want. I try, but that doesn't mean it's going to. But I don't need your shit about this."

"Wow lady, just, I'll talk to you when I get home."

"Yeah, okay, whatever." and I hung up.

Geez, why do I bother trying to do 'nice' things?! Fsk you! Okay guy? Just FSK you! Only one of them is biologically your kid. You don't treat any of them all that way in the first place, you treat my son like crap, and don't even want visitation of our daughter ALONE. You say yeah I DO need a break since I get none, but don't want visitation? Okay. Not my fault you don't want anything to do with her unless I'm there. Not MY fault that she isn't used to time with just the two of you. You know WHO'S fault that is? Yeah, yours! You have days off. You have times when the oldest kids are gone and it's just been you, her, and I. Yet you don't even run an errand with her solo.

I'm with her solo 5 (now technically four since he only works four days a week..), er 4 days a week from 12:30 - 3:30 aside from Friday where it's 12:30 - 2. Even then. On the weekends when you are off work you don't even want to go out and run errands. You know, the ones you want done for yourself that you ask me to go and do? So you can sit around and play video games and yell at people in your headset?

Our daughter can't handle being alone with you because you haven't done it. You haven't. I'm not allowed to run solo errands when it's just been us three unless I do it late at night. You harassed me like crazy when I'd go to Karaoke ONCE a week when BF was in town, even though I waited UNTIL the kids were sleeping. Fed, showered, homework done, just so that YOU didn't have to do anything more than eat the dinner I prepared, and come downstairs and give the kids good night love.

Oh, well of course you also liked to yell, and complain, and act like they were totally just the worst kids ever when they don't want to listen to your BS.

Of course I couldn't even go shopping at Wal*Mart at 9:30 at night after all of that when BF was here without you calling me every 10-15 minutes. Holy shit dude, Wal*mart is roughly a 15 minute drive from here, IF traffic lights are agreeable. You know?
Wal*Mart is a HUGE store. It takes awhile to get through there, to compare prices, to shop, to use the bathroom. To stop to have to listen to your venom filled dramatic bullshit about how if you EVER saw BF you'd STAB HIM IN THE FACE.

So, fsk you, so hard, with something spiked and metal with hot sauce on it or something. You made my life so miserable when he was here before, and you never had to deal with him! You made very well sure that I couldn't enjoy any time alone with him without you acting like a total dickwad.

So no, you cannot come over to MY house at 9:15-9:40 at night on a Thursday. Which are typically SCHOOL NIGHTS ASIDE from this week! Just to say goodnight to all the kids. You can call before you go, and tell them whatever. But I am so tired of my peace and attempted schedule being tossed out of the window to meet YOUR whims.

The waiting for you to be done with some level, or some fight, or something just to get the kids actually loved and in bed. Because heaven forbid I go down there and do it first, because even if I tell them you'll be down there in the second. Leave the lights on, leave the doors open, you'll REFUSE them seeing you before bed just because HOW DARE I go down there and get my portion done with without waiting for you to be right there?

Suck it, I don't know what you should suck, but it should be something disgusting. Something that seeps out all the hate, anger, heart break, drama, and disgusting feelings you've shoved at me just trying to deal with you.

Also, stop the dramatic BS. You make well over our states minimum wage. Your apartment is $400 a month with ALL utilities (other than your internet) paid. You just bought a $740 laptop, a $110ish pocketknife, are considering buying yourself an iTouch. If you end up living in your van it's because you are a selfish douchebag and have spent too much on crap you don't need. So get over yourself already. You got your massive $5300ish tax refund because you lived here with our daughter and got EIC for her. Okay? Shut up.

Don't even GET STARTED at me on how much YOU are going to suffer when I am the one with the $850 rent, with the added electricity bill as well. Okay? With my crummy old car that needs repaired badly that I'm afraid to fix because heaven forbid I actually need every last inch of my $2000 to make sure I can afford rent and bills for a few months. Suck it. Okay? Just suck it already.  What you've spent on a laptop and pocketknife alone would pay the rent here for a month, yet you just toss it away like it's nothing. How wonderful for you that you get all that extra money for being here with our daughter the past year. Now shut up.

Also, returning the candy I got you because I saw it and knew you'd like it? What the flying shit? You ate half and then tossed the bag on my desk. "I can't accept it, I'll have you find a way to pay you back." Holy fsking shit. Really? I mean REALLY really? I bought you that as a thank you for trying to be nice and helpful with how hard things have been for me mentally. But you're going to throw it back at me like this? Kiss my ass, get some counseling, because you've got massive issues too and you aren't trying to do anything about it other than continue on this way.

I'm so over it. If I could afford it I'd get a restraining order on you aside from when it comes to seeing her. Because I can't take it anymore. I can't take you being a dick one moment, and then trying to fondle me, and have sex with me the next. I can't do it. I can't rightly fix myself while you're fsking with my head like this!

Also, no, I don't want to do dinner and a movie with you just to come back home and "have a good evening". Because I know you're wanting to have sex, and you know that I am going to find a way around it. Even if I have to fake stomach cramps again, and go hide in the bathroom and make noises to fake you out again. I'd rather just not do it at all. As nice as the dinner sounds, that's the only part I'd really WANT to do.

Also, I doubt you'd actually 'just take youngest' to a movie instead. Okay? You can't even take her solo to pick up things from any grocery store. So, don't start that with me anymore. Because I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and having you heap guilt at me for not wanting to be your little sex fling because no one else in town wants to deal with your unshowered, unshaven, miserable self. I can't deal with your misery, when I am trying to fix all of the misery I have inside right now.Find another victim.

Also, offering to be my model for my drawing and then moving every 30 seconds when I am supposed to be doing a figure drawing? Lame and immature. So is getting mad at me when I say it's not going to work, thank you for trying anyway, and then look for a stock photo or figure drawing pose software to use. Because at least those hold still. Okay? That's just, I don't even want to feel bad about it yet the way you sigh and act like I just totally disregarded you, because you couldn't even hold still for my rough sketch before I tried the real one. It's, crazy, it's stupid, it's not helpful at all. Also, stop getting all depressed when you look at the drawings and give that 'gee thanks' to me. It's not MY fault that you ARE indeed overweight, have moobs, and what looks like a starting beer gut even though you don't drink beer.

If I can lose weight, and have that control, over the past year now? You can do it too. You just don't want to. You gave up again, even though I was helping you and everything. Not my fault, it's yours. Stop projecting your misery onto me.

Got it?

No, he'll never read this. Thank goodness, because there'd be no end to his pissy drama then.

I wonder what mental illness he has with all his BS? Or if he's just a miserable jerk in general and there's no hope for him anyway? How on earth do you cut someone like that mostly out of your live to avoid the dramatic crap?



On a happier note, Trazadone helped me sleep, I only took half of one but I woke up hung over. I still feel kind of crappy too. Tonight I will try the 1/4 like R suggested that perhaps I try. I didn't wake up through the night, once the stuff hit I was asleep in practically no time. It was glorious.

But the hangover sucks. Considering I've only been dumb enough to drink myself to having one, once, my entire life ever. And swore I never wanted to feel that feeling again. I can't very well live like this daily. I'd rather just get OTC sleep meds than deal with a daily hangover. Life requires me to function at least SOMEWHAT. You know?

1 comment:

  1. YOU GO GIRL! Tell it like it is! It doesn't matter that he wont ever read it, it matters because you didn't hold it inside until it turns into a manifestation of self hatred. Put the blame where it belongs. I often write letters to people even though I know they won't read them. It can be very cleansing. Glad your meds are helping, sucks to have that hangover feeling, just try reducing your dose and if that doesn't help ask your doctor, there are always alternatives, no need to feel worse than we do in the first place. My Seroquel is making me feel like death warmed up but we are trying to lower the dosage and maybe one day I can even stop taking them.
    Hope your feeling well,