25 September, 2011


It's a hard thing.
I want to explore who I am but at the same time I'm too scared of being who I am.
I know I am going to therapy to 'fix' myself, but at the same time I don't want to fix certain aspects of myself that I am comfortable with. I just, want to live with them, and have that be that. I don't want to 'suffer' from them, I want to embrace them.
I took my antidepressants late this morning, and at this moment I'm in an unhappy head space where I feel a little.. okay perhaps a lot..
Lost and alone..

24 September, 2011

I made friends...

I had an adventure the last week really.
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.

Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!

I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!

So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.

Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!

I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.

I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.


12 September, 2011

Nightmares abound

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, life has just been really busy since my son started PSR, we have therapy on Thursdays, aside from the oldest who has it on Fridays. The kids all started school and I have gone a 'little' crazy with enjoying the me time I get now that even the youngest is in school 3 hours a day!

On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.

On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?

Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.

Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?

There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..

Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..

I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..