30 March, 2011

strange dreams..

I'm not sure why, but it's the third one lately.

This one, there was a group of people around my age. I don't know what my age was, I don't think it was as old as I am. We were just friendly, having fun, maybe a group therapy type of thing?

I shared a room with one girl. There was this boy there, I think his name was Allen? No, I KNOW his name was Allen. Anyway. We were all messing around this one night, saying who we were "dating" and it was just a big game really. So I was "dating" Allen, and this one girl who looked so much like the girl I had this thing for... for many many many years.

29 March, 2011

Just here...

Another day spending it mostly in bed.
Really I'd ... actually no. I have no desire to do much more.

I have vague ideas of attempting other things. But really, I don't give too much of a shit today.
Thank goodness for left over pizza from last night. It was lunch today. I had a piece, and a cupcake. Yummy.

The kids are downstairs watching the oldest one play on my Pikachu N64, on Pokemon Snap trying to manage to get all of the Pokemon.


My underarms smell like a mix between BF and I...
I  used his razor, and his shaving cream to shave..
and then my deodorant...

I smell like him..

His Pajama shirt is all that I can use to fall asleep at night, so I'm not resorting to medication every night. I hate the weird hangover I get from it. Yet sometimes I have to use them both.

23 March, 2011

Not doing well..

At all.

BF had to leave today. Back to where he lives. The world away more or less. An entirely different world. That's where he lives. 21 1/2 days is NOT enough. It's just not enough.
His absence is felt in every last corner of the house, every last centimeter of it.. His absence is felt.
The kids feel it.

19 March, 2011

Strange dreams when ill...

I always get nightmares, or very strange dreams when I'm not feeling well.
It appears the youngest and I are indeed going to get what the oldest three had but delayed. Hopefully, the youngest will get it weaker than the others. Hopefully, I will too.

Anyways, I ended up having the mother load of all whacked out dreams to remember last night.
A little bit of a back story, the Ex-husband came to pick up the oldest three, early, while the EX and I were working on trying to get a new alternator in my van. Because wouldn't you JUST know it, that after repairing other things it dies Tuesday morning as I'm taking the oldest two to school. Right outside of the school none the less. So I've been using the EX's van since Wednesday...

Anyway, so he's here an hour and a half earlier than normal because he got out of work an hour and half earlier than normal. Since I'm busy, I don't remember (stupidly) to make sure to pack up earring cleaning solution and cotton balls for the two big girls, as they don't have them at his house.
So after he left, oh no! I realized it! Thankfully I caught him before the freeway. But he wasn't thrilled to turn around, and gave me attitude..
Anyway.. he also gave me attitude because the oldest has a book report due next week, but had spent one week sick and forgot to mention it and I was busy dealing with three sick kids and other things... Then was doing a book report and catching up on a major project for class she'd missed in the week plus a day she'd missed of school! Ugh.. So excuse me for forgetting a book amongst all the busy things in life? More so since she did tell me earlier in the week she had one she was reading in class that would work, and didn't tell me until Thursday that she wasn't allowed to bring it home to finish reading and therefore it would do no good for her book report.

Anyway... So I felt... ugh.. unhappy about the attitude. I'm sorry, but she's old enough to try and remember me a little more and you're old enough to not be a douche just because I have a busy life and sometimes, shit doesn't happen right away. See the kids? You have them less than 4 days a month if you want to go by hours. You don't do visits when they're sick, you don't do parent teacher conferences, talent shows, musical performances all over town on various days of the week on various hours in various weather conditions. You don't pick them up, drop them off, three different times during the day for school with it being FOUR on Fridays.

You don't cook for them (your girlfriend does when they're there), do their laundry, deal with their sicknesses at all. They can be puking for hours on end and if I call and ask if you can help me while they're ill. You talk about how I wanted custody and you can't right now. You don't even call on Birthdays. You get them a gift when you finally see them again, but you don't even call on the actual day. So..

Fuck you and your damn attitude okay? You did this when we were married, and you're doing it again. I run myself into the ground some days trying to juggle it all and I generally do a great job. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and sometimes. I *GASP* forget something. I told her to look up biographical information on someone on the internet to do a report on. What else could I do considering she forgot to remind me before I left the house before I got back to it so you could pick them up to pick up a book? At that point, I didn't have the time to run over there and even then you'd have given me attitude that she'd of had to read the book over the weekend with only 5 days before the report is due. 5 days is okay, what. You expected that she'd have been able to read while spending the majority of a week (including weekend) in bed with a fever sometimes going over 102? Seriously? Kiss it....

Anyway... eventually I got over it mostly. Obviously not all the way since I was able to just vent about it so much here, but enough that I wasn't still pissed off about it last night as I was doing my homework...

So, during the night I had this crazy dream. Hah... eventually, even my rambling self can get to the point!

I was standing just inside the door of the apartment my ex husband and I used to live in. I guess I'd just dropped off the kids or something like that and we got to talking. He talked about how he still loved me and wanted to be with me and things like that. Very much like the start of our divorce even though he was the old that had taken my rings and called it over. Hmmm.. K.

For some reason, I agreed and we went to go visit his parents house. Where the kids were at this point? I couldn't honestly tell you, I didn't see them the entire dream. Anyway, something happened at his parents house and I ended up cold and sitting on this chair with my feet propped up on an ottoman. His parents weren't home by his youngest brothers were there looking a lot like they did as younger people. It's been awhile, everyone is older now and I haven't seen them in years. I'm sure they've changed lots.

Anyway, his mom comes in the room I'm in and she's got this pissed off look on her face, but doesn't speak to me. I have no idea what's up, she comes over and wordlessly rips the ottoman out from under my feet and walks away. Eventually I ask my ex-husband what's going on and he says he doesn't want to lie to me so he brings me a laptop and shows me what he wrote to his mom on the computer via email about me. All this stuff about me 'having this evil look' and 'tricking him to get back together with me' and all these other just awful things that made me want to die on the inside a little. He was the one that had wanted me back so badly and used his 'I'll just repeat myself over and over and over and over in a circle' talk to convince me of it!

Anyway, then his dad shows up and he's for sure angry. Eventually, for some reason, they all want to kill me and I'm running away with a backpack of things and the backpack is a replica of my son's green backpack. NO idea why! They're chasing me in their old SUV for a bit and I have no idea why suddenly they all want to kill me. None at all, I can't remember the exact words said before it either...

In the dream I've got crazy skills of jumping/climbing over fences and buildings and running and... honestly it was awesome. I was physically able and didn't suffer with my bad right knee and hip and usual back pain. It was... awesome!

Alright, so eventually I run and I hide in this massively huge church that basically had stadium seating and there was a lot of people there. Why a church? I have no idea, I don't even go to church, I'm only mildly religious and I'm more confused about religion than anything else. Anyway, there is a massive crowd there and I'm dodging through them like there is seriously NO tomorrow just to wave around to not be seen. When I look down at one time I can actually his mom at one point, so I keep going.

Then, I guess it was another day later, I'm still in the church trying to avoid them and for some reason I guess they went looking elsewhere because I didn't see them. But there is this children's show going on with some of the kids there (still no sight of mine, I didn't even think of it.), but I look down and oh no! There they are! So I run off and try and find my backpack which I had put in some little cabinet but I can't find it in the one I swore I put it in! So I'm looking through them like crazy, and I see a boy with the same exact backpack but it obviously is less full so it can't be mine.

Then my mom is there, standing behind some counter and she's all pissed off at me telling me I  have to stay and watch those kids' performance and doesn't care that I'm being chased despite telling her over and over 'no they're going to kill me I really have to go! I have to find my backpack I have to go!' Eventually we keep fighting but end up in this van and she'd driving like a madwoman on the freeway. Out the drivers side window shows up this massive brown UFO that when it disappear literally goes out in a puff of brown dirt/dust/smoke! People are stopping their cars and getting out to point at it as it reappears and puff disappears over and over, some other smaller ufo's with bright white lights around the edges are seen too!

There's all these people and my mom is swirving like crazy to get through them, and I'm shouting that' you have to stop! you're going to  hit them! Just pull over! please you're going to hurt someone!!' but she doesn't. Somehow, she makes it through all those people and the UFO's are still going on. Eventually we end up at this giant warehouse where people are running inside to hide as the brown UFO lands on top of it. People start screaming and not knowing what to do when one of the aliens comes down with a gun and ends up shooting at something random. (not a person)

For some reason I go forward and tell people not to hurt him and I go and put down anything I was holding on the ground and looking at the alien. I start talking to him like I talk to the cat. "Us not bad, not bad?" I looked at him and he looked at me. "Us not bad?" he said though he was nervous it seemed. I showed him I wasn't going to hurt him by holding up my hands, and he placed his gun down with my things.

Eventually he let me try it and I shot a leaf, it went away in a flash of laser-beam light actually.

Off in the not to far distance behind me/in front of my new alien friend one of the smaller lighted UFO's land, and these human looking aliens come out. They don't look 100% like humans, but very close. The alien near me goes "Is bad! Is bad!" about those aliens and those ones start attacking the humans, and then my alien guy... So more of the aliens that aren't bad come out of the brown ship and they're getting into this fight with the other aliens and....

...The youngest woke me up here.



I can't believe so many hours later I remember that!

It feels good to write it all out. I texted my oldest most of the details of the dream. I didn't go into the big long story like that because I already took 6 1/2 texts just describing what I did describe of it. Oops.

I wonder what every last aspect of the dream means? It's hard to take it apart bit by bit.. isn't it?


17 March, 2011


I've been a bundle of irritable, bitchy nerves.
More so since my car decided to crap out Tuesday morning as I dropped the girls off at school.

Seems the alternator is dead, so I had to call the EX to come give me a jump. Took it to a shop, they wanted $500 for the repairs! Holy monkeys! >.<

12 March, 2011


I'm in one of those damn moods.
I haven't been writing because I just don't know what to say.
Therapy went basically the same way on Wednesday, it was one of those "all over the place" didn't really touch issues type of appointments. There was not much else to say about it really.

Last week I did decent on the first assignment of the week, 90/100. The second assignment I somehow blew out of the water with 100/100. So I'm at a 91.8% and I'm having a hard time not just hating myself... oh fuck it.. I AM hating myself for being at an A- for two weeks in a row. This.. just hasn't happened. At all, I even managed to pull my English grade out of the dumps after one assignment got it there ONCE and that was that.. So this, this is just bad for me. I'm not doing well. I'm having the whole I just want to quit, I just want to take a quarter break, yadda yadda.

Of course, anyone with BPD knows that if I allow myself that break for a quarter, my chances of RETURNING to school after it and finishing my degree are basically slim to nil. I know myself, and I know that if I allow myself to do that just because I am feeling lame and like I 'can't do this shit anymore' it's just going to be another thing I quit at!

I've managed one full academic year and one quarter after. I'm a 2nd year student going for my damn bachelors of science degree. Quitting would be insane! I've been doing this almost a FULL calendar year. A YEAR! That's longer than I've managed at ANY job EVER. The longest I've managed at a job is 4-5 months. I believe that's my max... 4-5 months.. and usually within the 90 mark I'm suffering just to get there and finding any excuse not to go/leave early... because I just.... CAN'T..

I hate myself for that.

the house is falling behind again, not too badly, I mean I've .... managed a little.

Who am I joking? Just because the anti-depressants are keeping me from wanting to drive the car into traffic and kill myself every 2-10 minutes while I'm driving doesn't mean they're helping me not be Borderline or just completely fucking useless. I'm ... I dunno. I'm trying.

I'm still managing to get homework done, I'm managing to cook at times, do dishes, do laundry, get the kids to school.. make it through the day without hurting myself or anyone else.. So. I'm okay, I'll get better.

Took a drive out of state and out of town yesterday with BF and the kids.
The girls now all have their ears pierced.

The youngest went first, she was brave and it was boom done.
The oldest went second and she spent 30 minutes crying and going back and fourth between wanting it done and not wanting it done. In the end, they did it and "wow" was what she said, "that was it?" yes.. basically she worked herself into a tizzy over nothing.. I know that's typical kiddo behavior, and I did my best to stay calm, but I was getting a little agitated. Because it came to the point where she said yes, open the package, I want it done.. which meant.. all the crying and stuff after that meant I was going to have to possibly have to pay for studs they had to throw away if she didn't actually use them. -_-;;

After the oldest one and youngest, we went back to BF and the middle one and only son who were at the mall's play area. Once my middle daughter heard that it wasn't all that bad at all, she decided okay. Let's do her too, AFTER the arcade. So... off to the arcade we went... played some games. Somehow within that time between the play area and the arcade time the youngest two lost their powdered candy stuff that cost me $3 each... ugh... We retraced all our steps and it was no place to be found. Oh well, they didn't cry so they handled the disappointment well. I think in the end the oldest two ended up sharing with them either way...

They only had one person in the shop when the middle one wanted to get her ears done, so they couldn't do both ears at once. They did one right after another, and as a champ she did fine, and got two suckers for being so awesome about it. She was more than happy with herself for that one, I'm glad it's done. I just have to keep up with washing their ears 3 times a day now. @_@ oh well, as long as I do them once before school, once as they get home from school, and once before bed we can do it and it'll mesh into our daily lives well enough really.

After that, I drove us to the Oriental/Asian markets that I like to go to, but that EX didn't want to stop off at any of the times we've been over there before now. Usually we hit them up once every couple of months, and I get him something too.. So we got some yummy Japanese soda's and snack foods. Makes my soul happy to have some things like that... they just are yummy and happy.

I hate driving in a town I've never driven through like that though. >.> I really just drive in town, so the whole going on the freeway and driving through a city that I'd lived in but never driven in.. and hadn't ever lived in that area... was a bit rough. More so with the sun setting and in my eyes with rush out evil traffic as everyone is trying to get home. Holy crap it was not fun at all...

From there it was home and crunching on the last half of my homework that I'd neglected in lieu of having a fun day out with the kids and BF....

Btw.. the mall food was FUCKING AWFUL and a waste of all the money it cost. Seriously, that was the worst mall food I've ever had, and I've been at some small malls with some mediocre food.. I expected food in a big mall in a bigger city not to suck so much ass. I'll never eat there again, I could have gotten better food for a better price at a buffet. *gag*

Spent four HOURS on the other half of my homework while BF warmed up dinner and we made sure the kids who... had all gotten yucky feeling save for the youngest during our trip.. got meds and rest and all that jazz...

It was exhausting! I was still doing homework when I put the kids to bed, forgot to call the ex so he could say goodnight to them, and when he found out an hour later he was all "um wow, I'll talk to you tomorrow" about it.

Gee, how nice it must be to be so fucking perfect that you'd NEVER forget anything. Right? Right, fuck you.. you forget shit all the time asshole. Don't act like I did it on purpose while I'm trying to wrangle four kids into bed with homework calling me to finish it, them needing meds, water, bathroom, teeth brushing, jammies on, earrings taken care of, and all that. You just got to sit around your apartment playing video games. I don't even want to hear it. Plus, I have no real obligation to do it every night just because you ask, and if I forget here and there.. you have to deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, you should have called you know??


Obviously.. I'm in one of those 'fuck it all, I hate shit' moods.. it really sucks.
I think I am going to go take a nice long shower, smell my essential oils and pray my ear stops screaming, and probably have some breakfast. It's 10:50AM after all, I SHOULD probably eat eventually...


09 March, 2011

Damned to frustration

I'm agitated.
Dr. J thinks that, I'm just happy right now because BF is here.
Perhaps that's true? I don't know. She's worried about how I'll be once he leaves.
Well, I know I'll be sad. I'm not sure now, to what EXTENT I may be sad... but I know it'll be sad.

Other than that.. Not much has changed with having him here. Aside from having to deal with each others little quirks and all that, which can be a bit annoying and all that. We're doing okay. No real fights, and not much in the way of drama aside from having to have talks here and there.

06 March, 2011

Hmmm... bleehh.

Another year older as of yesterday. We didn't do a ton but it wasn't a bad day by far.
BF, the youngest and I went to Red Lobster for birthday dinner. I got shrimp and lobster and it was absolutely delicious! Got the youngest to eat some lobster and shrimp, she still doesn't like shrimp but she's taking to lobster a little which is great!

Some of the staff sang happy birthday to me and brought out a sundae, well some vanilla icecream with a little bit of chocolate sauce and whipped cream. BF and the youngest ate more of it than I did! ;)

04 March, 2011

Less than happy with myself.

My grade in class right now is only a 90.28% :(

Even with edits I only managed a 85/100 on the assignment that I actually showed out here. Yikes, how awful is that I mean? That's a B... :( That's completely unacceptable self! I have to really push myself to try and get that grade back up to a decent level. I tried really hard with my assignment due today. I took extra care for all the little details. At least, in MY mind I took extra care to all the little details that I did not really pay as much attention to last time. Still, I worry that it wont be enough. What if my grade dips even lower?! I will absolutely die in a puddle of tears if I can't struggle my grade up. It's rather sickening to my stomach.

03 March, 2011

Slow in updating.

Because BF is here, which means between the kids and him I am a bit busy as far as my mental state goes.

I still went to therapy yesterday, which was nice to have someone just watching the kids that isn't the EX and it was a nice mental break to come home and not have to deal with that kind of thing. Granted the EX has been kind of a jerk with his attitude, but, thankfully he's mostly steering clear and leaving me alone.

01 March, 2011

Hopefully this means good things...

I think perhaps I am doing better on the Cymbalta. Though I still have irritability issues and I can snap when people are bugging me, perhaps that is just further attestment to the fact that I could, indeed, use a break from life for a few days. With no one and nothing needing me but myself. That is, I realize, a lot to ask for when I'm the mother of four young children and all that. Doesn't mean it helps things anymore though considering my stupid BPD, though I absolutely loathe to admit that fact.

Last night I had to do those gesture drawings, EX was my model again because I needed someone. You know?