23 March, 2011

Not doing well..

At all.

BF had to leave today. Back to where he lives. The world away more or less. An entirely different world. That's where he lives. 21 1/2 days is NOT enough. It's just not enough.
His absence is felt in every last corner of the house, every last centimeter of it.. His absence is felt.
The kids feel it.

I feel it.

I'm suffocating under the strain of it.
The emotional toll it took just to drop him off at the airport, drive back the way home which is a 40min drive, face all three parent teacher conferences I had? Was enough that dinner was canned soup, during which I crashed asleep on my bed curled up wearing a shirt that he made sure to sleep his scent into.. because I couldn't hold on anymore. I couldn't. I'm almost out of my anxiety meds because I needed them just to manage driving him away.
I had to manage driving him there... dropping him off..
driving away from him after he'd walked, sadly into the airport. I wanted to scream "Stop! come back!! please!!"

I teased taking his passport, and hiding it.
Finding someway.. someway.. for magically there to be an easier way to get him here.

damn you immigration slowness and laws.
I WANT him.
It's not just that I feel like I need him....

I really do WANT him..

I feel so sick..
So sad..
so heart broken.

Spring break starts today for the kids.
His absence...

so much... it's felt... so much...

oh gods, the tears. I've held them in so much today.

They're coming, and I can't stop them. I hurt so damn much. I hate that he's not here.
He's not on this laptop, he's not on the desktop. He's not in the bathroom, the shower, the kitchen, the living room... he's on a plane... on a plane that is just now still awaiting takeoff so says the website..
I'll stalk the plane..
I'll watch it's movement...

so I know when he'll land..

land again, with the time difference greater. Since we've gone through daylight savings time.
Both his country and mine.

I need him.. I want him..

please... please world...

let him be back to us sooner than a year.

I am not sure what I will do.. if it truly takes that long...
I am not sure... how much stronger I can be anymore.

Inside, I feel so awful... oh god... help me..


1 comment:

  1. I can feel your pain aching in every word of every line -- its anguish is so great. I can't even begin to comprehend the emptiness you must be feeling. This has to be one of the *WORST* feelings ever. I know nothing I can say will make it any easier, but know that I'm sending my thoughts and best wishes for his early return. *hugs*