12 March, 2011


I'm in one of those damn moods.
I haven't been writing because I just don't know what to say.
Therapy went basically the same way on Wednesday, it was one of those "all over the place" didn't really touch issues type of appointments. There was not much else to say about it really.

Last week I did decent on the first assignment of the week, 90/100. The second assignment I somehow blew out of the water with 100/100. So I'm at a 91.8% and I'm having a hard time not just hating myself... oh fuck it.. I AM hating myself for being at an A- for two weeks in a row. This.. just hasn't happened. At all, I even managed to pull my English grade out of the dumps after one assignment got it there ONCE and that was that.. So this, this is just bad for me. I'm not doing well. I'm having the whole I just want to quit, I just want to take a quarter break, yadda yadda.

Of course, anyone with BPD knows that if I allow myself that break for a quarter, my chances of RETURNING to school after it and finishing my degree are basically slim to nil. I know myself, and I know that if I allow myself to do that just because I am feeling lame and like I 'can't do this shit anymore' it's just going to be another thing I quit at!

I've managed one full academic year and one quarter after. I'm a 2nd year student going for my damn bachelors of science degree. Quitting would be insane! I've been doing this almost a FULL calendar year. A YEAR! That's longer than I've managed at ANY job EVER. The longest I've managed at a job is 4-5 months. I believe that's my max... 4-5 months.. and usually within the 90 mark I'm suffering just to get there and finding any excuse not to go/leave early... because I just.... CAN'T..

I hate myself for that.

the house is falling behind again, not too badly, I mean I've .... managed a little.

Who am I joking? Just because the anti-depressants are keeping me from wanting to drive the car into traffic and kill myself every 2-10 minutes while I'm driving doesn't mean they're helping me not be Borderline or just completely fucking useless. I'm ... I dunno. I'm trying.

I'm still managing to get homework done, I'm managing to cook at times, do dishes, do laundry, get the kids to school.. make it through the day without hurting myself or anyone else.. So. I'm okay, I'll get better.

Took a drive out of state and out of town yesterday with BF and the kids.
The girls now all have their ears pierced.

The youngest went first, she was brave and it was boom done.
The oldest went second and she spent 30 minutes crying and going back and fourth between wanting it done and not wanting it done. In the end, they did it and "wow" was what she said, "that was it?" yes.. basically she worked herself into a tizzy over nothing.. I know that's typical kiddo behavior, and I did my best to stay calm, but I was getting a little agitated. Because it came to the point where she said yes, open the package, I want it done.. which meant.. all the crying and stuff after that meant I was going to have to possibly have to pay for studs they had to throw away if she didn't actually use them. -_-;;

After the oldest one and youngest, we went back to BF and the middle one and only son who were at the mall's play area. Once my middle daughter heard that it wasn't all that bad at all, she decided okay. Let's do her too, AFTER the arcade. So... off to the arcade we went... played some games. Somehow within that time between the play area and the arcade time the youngest two lost their powdered candy stuff that cost me $3 each... ugh... We retraced all our steps and it was no place to be found. Oh well, they didn't cry so they handled the disappointment well. I think in the end the oldest two ended up sharing with them either way...

They only had one person in the shop when the middle one wanted to get her ears done, so they couldn't do both ears at once. They did one right after another, and as a champ she did fine, and got two suckers for being so awesome about it. She was more than happy with herself for that one, I'm glad it's done. I just have to keep up with washing their ears 3 times a day now. @_@ oh well, as long as I do them once before school, once as they get home from school, and once before bed we can do it and it'll mesh into our daily lives well enough really.

After that, I drove us to the Oriental/Asian markets that I like to go to, but that EX didn't want to stop off at any of the times we've been over there before now. Usually we hit them up once every couple of months, and I get him something too.. So we got some yummy Japanese soda's and snack foods. Makes my soul happy to have some things like that... they just are yummy and happy.

I hate driving in a town I've never driven through like that though. >.> I really just drive in town, so the whole going on the freeway and driving through a city that I'd lived in but never driven in.. and hadn't ever lived in that area... was a bit rough. More so with the sun setting and in my eyes with rush out evil traffic as everyone is trying to get home. Holy crap it was not fun at all...

From there it was home and crunching on the last half of my homework that I'd neglected in lieu of having a fun day out with the kids and BF....

Btw.. the mall food was FUCKING AWFUL and a waste of all the money it cost. Seriously, that was the worst mall food I've ever had, and I've been at some small malls with some mediocre food.. I expected food in a big mall in a bigger city not to suck so much ass. I'll never eat there again, I could have gotten better food for a better price at a buffet. *gag*

Spent four HOURS on the other half of my homework while BF warmed up dinner and we made sure the kids who... had all gotten yucky feeling save for the youngest during our trip.. got meds and rest and all that jazz...

It was exhausting! I was still doing homework when I put the kids to bed, forgot to call the ex so he could say goodnight to them, and when he found out an hour later he was all "um wow, I'll talk to you tomorrow" about it.

Gee, how nice it must be to be so fucking perfect that you'd NEVER forget anything. Right? Right, fuck you.. you forget shit all the time asshole. Don't act like I did it on purpose while I'm trying to wrangle four kids into bed with homework calling me to finish it, them needing meds, water, bathroom, teeth brushing, jammies on, earrings taken care of, and all that. You just got to sit around your apartment playing video games. I don't even want to hear it. Plus, I have no real obligation to do it every night just because you ask, and if I forget here and there.. you have to deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, you should have called you know??


Obviously.. I'm in one of those 'fuck it all, I hate shit' moods.. it really sucks.
I think I am going to go take a nice long shower, smell my essential oils and pray my ear stops screaming, and probably have some breakfast. It's 10:50AM after all, I SHOULD probably eat eventually...


1 comment:

  1. I've recently begun blogging again and just stumbled upon your page. I also have BPD (among other things). It's certainly a struggle. I look forward to reading more from you. Feel free to check out my blog @ bpdisme2.wordpress.com *hugs*