01 March, 2011

Hopefully this means good things...

I think perhaps I am doing better on the Cymbalta. Though I still have irritability issues and I can snap when people are bugging me, perhaps that is just further attestment to the fact that I could, indeed, use a break from life for a few days. With no one and nothing needing me but myself. That is, I realize, a lot to ask for when I'm the mother of four young children and all that. Doesn't mean it helps things anymore though considering my stupid BPD, though I absolutely loathe to admit that fact.

Last night I had to do those gesture drawings, EX was my model again because I needed someone. You know?

Of course he gave me attitude for being concerned enough to be tracking BF's flight as he made the long trek over the ocean from Sydney to Los Angeles. "It's cute how worried you are about him," he said, though it wasn't in a good way. There was this attitude and look behind it.

'Oh give me a break,' I couldn't help but think as I raised an eyebrow, peaking over my paper at him as a sharpened my graphite drawing pencil that'd been dulled from my practice sketches. "Hmm? What do you mean?"

"It's just cute, that you're so worried to watch his flight," There was an accusation there, that I didn't worry about him at all.

"I see," I said as I got up to stretch a little, not really getting into that crap right now.
Though later, while doing a quick drawing of him I had to ask.

"So, you don't think I'd worry about you if you were flying over the ocean? Considering I get worried when you even have to drive for work in the bad weather?" I do, I worry about anyone I know that has to drive in that crap, I worry about anyone in general around here driving when the weather is extremely poor. I know how all too quickly something bad can happen. You know?

"I think you only worry because of Child Support, no offence, it's a smart thing to do, thinking about the baby and all." Ugh, that jerk, I just raised an eyebrow at him and said,
"Sure, okay, think what you want then, in that mindset I also worry about (ex-h) as much as I worry about you and BF?"

"Well you DO worry about him,"

"Yeah, I worry about why he lies about when/if he's paid child support. Other than that, not near as much as I worry about you two. But I'll never change your mind on that,"

I stopped talking too much until the subject was changed. Stop trying to paint me as heartless just because I now give a crap about someone other than you. You broke up with me, and in general was not the nicest person in the world, still aren't.

Of course he couldn't help but comment on how I was disgusted by him and that's why I hadn't been sleeping with him. Ummm... You sure about that? I'm with someone else, perhaps THAT's why I haven't been sleeping with you?


BF's flights have been changed up because of delays and things. He wont be here until this evening now.
I am sore, and tired, from not getting to bed until 1am after a shower. I took my trazadone and took a shower, I was blurry eyed and wobbly by the time I was done and stumbled into bed.

Thank goodness last night was my last sleep waiting for him to get here. I miss him, I can't wait to have him here to hold me, snuggle me, protect me from nightmares, and help balance out life.

Even if it's just for three weeks.

Let's just hope that towards the end of this month on Cymbalta, we wont see that I need yet another medication change. I don't want to medicine dance anymore, I want to find something nice and easy you know? I just want one thing about my entire healing process to go better than that. At least in one tiny way, is that too much to ask?



  1. Being a mother with BPD has to be one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with in my life. You are amazing. I am barely struggling with one child, yet you have four.
    I hope that the Cymbalta works out alright. I know how hard it is to have to keep changing medications.

  2. It is annoying trying to find the right medication combination. I know that my new psych, when she took me on in hospital, and now that I am outside she has been awesome at getting me well. I hope it all goes well with your boyfriend. I am glad that you will have him for several weeks. I hope he makes you feel better :)