31 August, 2011

Not much to say..

Tomorrow, by help of my BF, I get to finally get a root canal.
My tooth has made it hard to sleep, I wake up with the Ibuprofen wears off to take more and then pass back out in an Ibuprofen induced head-fog.. I wake up feeling like hell.
My brain still races at night, the sleep medication was no match for the racing of my brain nor the pain in my mouth.

My son started PSR yesterday. PSR being Psycho-social Rehabilitation.
Yet I am still considering perhaps he DOES need medication.

I do love him, but dear gods with his issues I hate the way he acts.. It's one of the worst parts of every day.
I dread school starting, but pray for it at the same time.
I am worried they're going to have so many problems with him that he'll be in the office or getting in trouble left and right.
Based solely off of all the problems he has here at home, and with his dad.

I still hate Cymbalta..
I cancelled an appointment about the sleep meds not working because I wanted to wait until  this tooth is taken care of and see if that improves my sleep at all.

I am going to be asked to get taken off of Cymbalta.
The only thing it does it make me less violent, and cry at less things.
Other than that.. I still have no energy, little interest, and overall meh for day to day and things in general.

Basically.. I'm still a mess, just not AS much of one.

That's not good enough.
I want some kind of.. I want something else.
I want more than this shit.
I don't even know..


16 August, 2011

Stuffed up

I realize, that is what Cymbalta does.
It mostly stuffs up my ability to cry, or get easily upset when someone (ex's, people in general) try and say things to hurt my feelings.

Or they yell at me.

It stuffs it up, I feel.. neutral. There is no need for crying, or getting mad. It's just. Whatever.
Is that a NORMAL thing to feel?
I am so used to being upset SO SO easily, that not being upset SO easily.. is...
Beyond me really.

Or I'll feel hurt, but there wont be that insane flood of tears and chaos.

Of course, I thought maybe I was just doing better. So I tried not taking my meds.

Hahahaha, it was okay the first day. Come the second? Oh yeah, that overly emotional BS self came back, and I felt like hell. It made working this part time job I got here at home.. pretty much unbearable. I sat there and cried while on the phone, but still forced a smile to my face and made it through calls. I got my meds in my system but they took a little.

I guess I have to be on these forever??
I don't want to be.

I want to feel happier though. On top of it all. I want to be able to feel happiness and not just this.. Meh. Who cares feeling.

What do I do? :(
I guess I'll have to go back and look at different meds and finding out how you even wean off of Cymbalta?
I don't even know anymore..

On another note, I've managed to keep this job a week and a day now. Woo? I HAVE wanted to quit. The day that my body and my emotions were hell from being off my meds, I thought I'm not doing this anymore!! NO MORE!!

Yet I did anyway.

I made it back the next day, and okay. I can manage, somehow. I will make it through this and be okay.

I start school again in two days.

Lets see if this mess of myself.. can even survive it!

09 August, 2011

Going Unnnnnnnnnnder...

I don't know, I freaking hate anti-depressants.
How do I know if they're working?
I feel 'the same' again. NOTHING feels very good. So what is that? Does that mean even the 60mg of Cymbalta is not enough?? I'm sick and tired of trying this shit.
Sick and mother fucking tired of giving my hopes into these damn medications and not feeling anything!!

I'm tired of anxiety, I'm tired of being miserable, I'm tired of being low energy, I'm tired of needing sleep medication but still feeling a bit dead and tired come the morning!!

It's... like.. NOTHING is changing!! UGH!
So, I am going to make a call and look into changing medications..
Yes... AGAIN. I will be changing, because this just isn't doing it's job, and I don't want to go maximum dose just to have it flatline and not work.

On top of that, I want to make an appointment to get in and have my thyroid levels checked. Even though I know that will involve a blood test, and I am not... looking forward to that, so.. whatever. I'll do what it takes to figure out if it's my thyroid, or if my brain really IS the problem!



03 August, 2011

But what about ME?!

I want someone to focus on me.
You know?
Someone OVER the age of 18. Someone who just wants to fuss over my well being. I'm stressed out and worn thin worried about my son and the kids in general and the youngest has been up my ass for attention this entire week and asks me MULTIPLE times a day when her siblings will be home.
Yes, I know she misses them, and yes I am trying to keep her occupied and not leave her alone but holy hell I can't even go bathroom without her wanting to come and talk.

"What are you doing mommy? Are you going to the bathroom? Can I come in?"
FFS!! You're 5, let me go bathroom and get SOME time alone or something!
Of course when I TRY and get time out of the house without one of the kids the EX ends up calling me every few minutes.

He seriously said "So if I call and you don't answer, what do I say? Mommy doesn't love you?"

Seriously?! I mean, HELLS! I spend soooooooo much damn time with them and JUST them, how do you even get off saying that?! You can go days without seeing your own flesh and blood and wont even talk to her or ask me about her. So if I want 2 hours alone with my family not worrying about what parenting shit I have to do I don't love her?

FFS, I just want someone to come, clean the house up so I can get a fresh start, make me dinner, rub the knots and pain out of my back, and just.. in general come and pamper me a bit. I'm tired of being one doing it all. I am not doing well with this single parent thing with no one else living in the house but the kids. I try, but holy shit, I just want to run and hide someplace and to be left alone.

I want someone to bake me cookies too.
It's hot, I want air conditioning as well. It sucks when it's 86*F inside. It really really does.

Yes, I had to rant because I just feel... overwhelmed with so much in life right now I want to cry and scream and kick!


02 August, 2011

On the outside

Still looking in.
I will always really be the outsider no matter what I do.

Even despite all the horrible things my oldest sister may do, I will be the outsider.
The one sitting there awkwardly as everyone talks about the illegal substances they use. The one shaking her head again and again when offered one drug after another.
I don't care if it's legal, I will not be smoking from your Hookah. I'm sorry, I just will not be doing it.
I will not smoke pot 'instead of taking your meds' because it 'makes you feel so good'. Ugh, I am not going to do something illegal just because it can 'make me feel good'. I've seen how much more drugged up YOU seem on that crap than I do on my 'mind altering' anti-depressants. Sorry, I'll go the route that's legal and not risk it. I also don't want to just look like some zombied out person.

Lah. @_@

I also tried hard not to judge my mom as I sat there.
Listening to her, watching her laugh, seeing her teeth rotting and knowing that there is some sort of option if she'd take it.
Will the kids look at me like that someday?

Will I be falling apart before I am 50 like she is?
Do they look at me and see me falling apart already?

I have to wonder, just how awful do I appear to them?