29 June, 2011

All too much

June has been one hell of a month!

Let's see..
I went twice to get my wisdom teeth out just to have the office closed, finally got them out though! Oy.. Third time ended up the charm I get!

Oldest was sick and I thought just a flu, coughing still a bit, turns out.. Oh.. somehow she has strep but no throat pain??
Youngest has strep too, Ugh ugh ugh.
Oldest has been diagnosed with Depression and some Self Esteem problems, so counseling will focus on that for her. She gets 3 months of counseling, and then another doctors visit to see how it's going and discussing possible medication. Damn depression for being genetic!
Middle girl has been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Emotions, and got a 6 month okay for counseling which they hope will help. She's sensitive, not near as much as me but overly at times. Gods I hope this helps!
Only son today had an appointment after his doctor noticed as his yearly check-up that he's really all over the place and doesn't listen well and just is hyper and inattentive. So he had an evaluation today, and it lasted an hour instead of only half an hour. Basically, He's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. The ODD he gets a month of counseling for before coming back to see how THAT is going, and a form I had to fill out and one to give his previous K teacher because he did cause a bit of a disturbance with not sitting still, not being able to get on track, not following directions, not taking turns well, things like that for a good part of the year and had problems with classmates because of his behavior.
Youngest so far.. is the only one who didn't get diagnosed with anything but got okay'd for counseling to help with the difficulties of what's going on with me and from her dad having moved in and out and the general stress in the home..

So anyway, I was sitting there at Sons appt and I just wanted to cry. I've been seeing these behaviors and I just knew that this is not 'normal' you know?? Actually, I DID end up crying a little. *sigh* It just seems like, I've seen this all along! But everyone brushed me off about it. So I'm looking at this little booklet the doctor gives me with the symptoms and so so many of them fit him. It's not a shock, but he's (imo) combined inattentive/hyperactive/impulsive type.
6 years old and I can't get him to STOP running out into the middle of the parking lot away from him if someone is not holding his hand or sometimes even part of his shirt as he'll just go! Sometimes I feel like I am going to die of a panic attack with how absolutely reckless he can be. I'm terrified of taking him out often because in a crowd, he's wandered off in the blink of an eye! Crowds are rough on me as is but it's a good 50x harder when I've got four to look after and one can just poof be gone the way he can.

Wake up this morning and was getting a dose of  Youngest's antibiotics and dropped the bottle!! I had freaking amoxicillin ALL over me, some got on the ceiling, it was just.. nasty and sticky. It just went in this explosion out of the top of the bottle and I nearly cried but I was too tired, so I cleaned up, got her a dose (because I managed to pick up the bottle with some being still in!) and went to bed again. Ugh ugh ugh. Well okay I called the doctors before I went to sleep, a nurse called back eventually and was all "well what happened?" with that tone of voice.. ugghh..... So I explained it! Then I did Sons appt and had to get him meds because he woke up, and actually just went right back to bed! So when I finally woke up today he was asleep again! Any morning that I'm not woken up by him early and with loudness or by him causing some sort of loud drama over something or other as he screams having a fit over not being able to wait for something or for one of his sisters trying to get him NOT to walk in on them in the bathroom or do something they've asked him over and over not to do... is.. RARE here, and rather concerning. Turns out he was not feeling well, low-grade fever and ta-da a freaking ear infection!

So yay, meds for him too. Now 3 of the kids are on the same freaking antibiotic and the only one to not get sick so far from it kid wise is Middle daughter, how?? I have no idea, but I hope it stays this way!~! So I got to the pharmacy and ask for both prescriptions and I get attitude "but you just got it YESTERDAY" So I said I dropped it and they give me this look and then are all "well the insurance wont cover it" yeah duh, I know I figured as much because I just had the insurance cover it yesterday. So I had to pay outta pocket but thankfully actually EX covered it bless him for that because ugh.. money is killing me right now. No matter what I do I just seem to be drowning in it. *sigh*

So.. a month of Counseling for his ODD, and as soon as I can get his former teacher to fill out this paper we go in for another eval/talk with his pediatrician to see about the possibility of medication of some type or whatever else we can do.

I feel.. so.. heart broken over so much of this. It's been one heck of a month and I just.. am not emotionally doing very well with it but I am doing my best to struggle through it all. I feel bad that the 'just a flu' turned out to be even worse, I thought 'just rest, tylenol for any discomfort, fluids, and try and stay comfortable' was the right way to go. Neither of the girls have had pain and I just.... feel like I should have known something more was up magically somehow. The depression for the Oldest hurts my heart, I hate suffering from it and I hate to think ... well I hate to know that.. it's genetic, so.. in a way it's 'my fault'. I know that ADHD is genetic, I know my mom has it to an extent, I may have it to an extent, some of my siblings may have it to an extent.. but not to the extent that I see it in my son. For the Middle daughter, I feel so heart broken how much of my own sadness and easy to tears I see in her. I ... feel absolutely horrible that most of these problems are linked to their genetics because of all the people in the world to be their mother.. it's me..

Of course, I know that ex-h is going to look at me as the cause of so much of this. Each time my Son has been a handful he gives me a look, the finding out the kids started counseling he gave me that look again, it's all this 'it's because yer fucked up' look from him. The one I got so many times when we were married. I'm still the eternal fuck up..


In moments where you are lost...

... where do you find yourself?

I'm struggling again. That feeling that I have no idea who I am. I feel that way usually, but some days, it hits me in the face like a backpack full of high school text books! Painfully kicking me back down to reality as everything happy shatters.

BF has another fucking infection.
Two of the kids have strep throat yet have NO throat pain.
That flu? Fever, cough, belly ache? THAT is from the strep throat, yet neither of them admit to pain. One of them is 5, she'd admit to pain right?? I don't get it!

Oldest was said to have depression according to a doctor visit first thing in the morning. 3 month okay for therapy/counseling, and then back to the doctors to see if it's helping or if she needs more than weekly counseling and possibly.. antidepressants.

Fuck me, are you serious??

I teared up.

I am a wreck today.

BF went to the hospital again, but they didn't keep him. Just more antibiotics.
I demanded that he wash his fucking bedding already and all of it! Washer and dryer it! Get it all clean and take care of shit.. Fuck.

I went to bed gods.. I don't even know what time. But I know that I was fully up come 7..
and from there I stressed the crushing reality of money and how little I have in comparison to how much life costs.

I hate life, so much, I am so stressed out that I just .. I broke down crying. I tried to keep working my poorly paying job that I can do with the children there that doesn't matter if there is noise. One that I can do and still be here, so that I am not dropping them at some Daycare, so that I am here and can see them and tend to them.

Not like if I had an outside job I'd still have it! I've had sick children for damn near a month now! Here no matter what that is grounds for 'fuck you you don't have a job anymore'. That and the price of gas, daycare, and clothing appropriate for work, I'd never afford an outside job.. I've checked.

Fuck it all.

What do I do with myself??

Who the fuck AM I?!

26 June, 2011


It appears that when my lip was numb, I bit it. TWICE. In two different areas and it's still sore.

Good news, is that I am to the point in pain that tylenol actually helps with the pain! Thank goodness because I am all out of Vicodin, even if I did enjoy the Vicodin induced fog... >.>
It's hard to open my jaw, but I think that's because I pushed it and had no choice but to be awake and to try and eat some food too early because I ran out of pudding and didn't want only protein shakes. Okay okay, I obviously had a choice then. But I had a donut for breakfast because I squished it flat enough to get in my mouth which I can hardly open. :(

I have some stitches, I wonder if they're doing okay? Last time it fell off in a chunk, and it was only one of them and not in the same spot. I have two on each spot this time, ewww..

I did Therapy on Thursday. Again we couldn't find my file, I guess she gets all disorganized if I am not there for two weeks.. yeah I missed two weeks. I don't know why, a large part of me is afraid to go in there and get better. Even though I want to be better..

*sigh* I don't really have a point of this entry.... really I am feeling lonely though. It's been me and the youngest and the youngest got sick with the Flu and I've been all wonky because of pain killers and my mouth in general and.. yeah.. *sigh*  We've been a pair that's for sure.

Actually, yesterday, I was on pain killers and the EX took us grocery shopping. He didn't just want to take a list for me, so he had us go even though she's not feeling well and I couldn't walk straight.

Soooooo, I got to ride in the double cart with her! We didn't exceed the weight limit either since it's 200lbs and we were 5lbs away from it! Hahaha, it was awesome, though I got a fair bit of looks. >.>

I saw my aunt there, she works at the Deli.. and.. yeah ohh the EX bought me coffee and I ate it with a spoon because I can't use a straw yet. I miss using straws for things..

Okay, my mouth hurts, I should not have had that donut! I need to stick with soft foods for now it seems. >.<

I am going to go lay on the couch and watch Hello Kitty with the youngest while I hold an ice pack to my face.
Hopefully soon I'll have... something worth writing about.

23 June, 2011


I got my teeth taken out!! Yesterday!!
Two of my wisdom teeth are gone and right now I am hardly able to see straight from the effects of the pain killers. I'm loopy as hell but I know I am going to feel great about it eventually. They're gone! They're gone!!
It took forever! I waited in the waiting room for a good 3 hours! Maybe actually a little more than that. Then they took some x-rays and the dentist was all 'well you know these need pulled' they were BAD.
I got to look at them! The top one was really easy, and they had to numb me up like freaky crazy! The bottom one was a PITA to get out, and one of the roots broke off so he had to wiggle it and dig it out and when they finally did I got to flip it off! >.>

Yes, childish of me but it was scary having him there having to dig it out and I wanted to cry.

They are SO good at this place. The assistant held my hand through the worst parts of it, and the dentist guy let my rest my head up against his stomach/chest area while he was trying to get them out and they were all calm and soothing about it. Because they know I have this extreme ass fear of needles and that I was pretty nervous. I mean, 3 hours gives you a lot of time sitting there to really get all nervous no matter how many lame ass magazines you try and read. @_@; I wasn't full out crying or anything, but I've got to admit all that cracking and moving and stretching out of your lips and the uncomfortable feelings suck. Really it's the crackle sound of the tooth being pulled that is just so intense, because your brain is all 'OH HEY WOMAN  YOUR BONE IS BREAKING HERE!!!!' and you're trying not to panic at that idea.


After that, I FINALLY got to eat something! >.> I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't want nerves to make me puke, and thus I didn't get lunch for awhile. I got some ice cream at Dairy Queen to take my meds with because I learned the hard way you DO NOT WANT TO WAIT to take meds as soon as you drive to the pharmacy you usually go to. Because once that numbing stuff starts to wear off, HOLY CRAP are you in pain! I look like someone beat me up and that they focused on the right side of my face!

I also went to Chinese with the EX and the youngest. I just had some rice in soup, and some noodles and the squishy tops of broccoli because 1. I was still mostly numb at that point so.. I thought I could get away with it. 2. Those are all soft enough to just swallow whole! and 3. I'd already taken a dose of pain killers so I didn't realize at first just how much that was going to hurt.

Since then though, I've been living off of pudding cups, and not even that many of them. Well right now I blended up some Boost extra protein chocolate powder with nonfat milk and ice cubes and put whipped cream on top and I am drinking it slowly. So I can get some protein and extra nutrients while I'm all beat up and everything.

I just wanted to finally get to say that I got it done! Yay!! 3rd times the charm it seems for these two. They're all gone! *does a little dance*

Oh and it only cost $205, and I had a 'carecredit' account so that all I had to do was put it on the card and i have 6 months of no interest and I think I'll be lucky enough to be able to just make payments and get it all paid off in that 6 months! YAY!

I am extremely tired again, so.. I'm gonna go pass back out.


21 June, 2011

A sunny day

It took me a bit, but I finally came outside today. Went and got the youngest some sandals at target and she was upset that we couldn't find any of the ones she actually wanted in her size. Somehow, her shoe size has gotten bigger than I expected! Poor girl was crying at one point. :( But I found some Dora sandals that had some pink on them and they were clearanced so she was happy with them.

We got coffee at the starbucks inside target (only because I can use my target card.. >.>) and came home so she could change shoes then we came outside. I sat around sketching while she played with the neighbor boy. At times, I nervously talked with his mom and admitted I had no friends when she told me that they are having a BBQ this Sunday and I could invite my friends. -_-;

So she said, well I can come and mingle and then make some friends. I said... I would try. I know for sure the youngest would love to be able to come outside and play with the neighbor kids and any other kids that will be there, and I think... THINK I can manage it?

I've been off the computer for hours and I'm actually proud of myself for doing so. It was nice to just sketch something for some reason, it's good to draw for myself. Perhaps I can finally get back to that project I have been neglecting since I went on hiatus in February! Gah! I can't believe I did that. *sigh*

I can get back to it... really I can..

Today has been... one of those days.
Yesterday I couldn't remember if I took my Cymbalta and how I felt like death warmed over this morning was more of less the indication I needed to know that, for sure.. I did not indeed take it yesterday. I felt absolutely horrid! Uggh..
I felt better after I took my dose for today and had some food, of which I should likely look into getting myself some. I'll I've had is breakfast and that coffee. Oops, okay okay and a couple of Goldfish crackers.

I am sitting outside right now, on a chair at this really beat up table on the porch, listening to the birds chirp while the sun sinks into the distance.

The youngest is just over in the neighbors house (duplex that's attached to ours), and I can hear them from the opened sliding door. I'm not in there... because.. well I dunno, I didn't go in because it was her that was invited. But I am staying outside just because I don't want to seem like I am ditching her. Is that odd? Maybe... yeah it most likely is! I could just be inside instead of being attacked by bugs anyway!

There isn't much to say aside from that really.
I aced my final in class, and I am not enjoying a summer break. Well, I guess I am? I have been just sort of.. I've been trying not to sleep too much for lack of knowing what to do. I don't know why, but I find myself up super super late lately. Back to old childhood/teenager years habits. Up late, not want to wake up until late. Needless to say that is not a good combination with a kid, or kids around. So I am struggling to work against that right now. I thought that antidepressants would make stuff like that easier? Then again.. no, I also should be using that over the counter thyroid medicine I got or something like that.. hmmm

I don't even know if it was helping. I don't even know IF there is a problem with my thyroid. I don't even know, what all is wrong with me. I just know that I wish I felt.. more normal and alive and happy and.. something??


19 June, 2011

He's no good for me.

I notice any extra time around my ex is extremely stressful. Even just the little things. I panic attack more easily, I don't rest well that night, my stomach feels in knots, and in general things get miserable.

He was a jerk to my son the other day, and was kinda a PITA this morning. I had him come over so I could make him a Father's Day breakfast. And he ended up getting all pissy because for a second I was wrong on what his birthday was. For 1, he NEVER wanted to celebrate it, ever. So, we just tended to not really do much. For 2, I was off by two days and have actually dated someone with the date I said before I said "wait no, it's the 19th, sorry" got he got all pissy and left anyway. Blah.

Sorry dude, I  haven't been sleeping well and I woke up early on a SUNDAY to make you breakfast, and I did, french toast, scrambled eggs, 2lbs of bacon, and OJ.. I don't just do that for anyone on a Sunday. So.. yeah, sorry if my brain doesn't work right?

Anyway, I am trying to get over being upset, but yeah.. I realize I feel much better inside when I don't have to spend much time with him. *sigh*

Aside from that.. The oldest three children are gone for a week. So it's just the youngest and I..
I am finally off of school, but waiting for the grade from my final.

Other than that... I guess I'm okay.
Starting tomorrow I am going to start seriously working on my diet and exercising again!!

Wish me luck on that. @_@


17 June, 2011

Who saw it coming...?

That..yet.. AGAIN...

The dentist was closed.
Of course, I need to stop being afraid of the phone, so I can call and check the same day. But last I saw they'd be open after that one break and .. yeah.. No.

Anyway, to make the trip out there not completely a waste I visited one of my favorite Asian markets in the area. Granted my favorite one is clear over in Seattle (Uwajimaya, I love you so much.. I can't wait to go there again!), this one is better than not having one at all. Like where I live, the best you can get is pretty much from what little Asian sections certain grocery stores get now. Still, it IS better than when I was younger. You can often get both Strawberry and Chocolate types of Pocky from Wal-mart and other grocery stores. I tend to prefer more than just those two, even if Chocolate is a good regular standby.

I am a fairly big fan of Japanese food. Sushi, Yakisoba, Edamame, Okonomiyaki, various Japanese Pan (bread), various Japanese snacks, Japanese drinks (soda etc) and of course.. Japanese Cheesecake. *drools*

I got two little individual Japanese Cheesecakes today. They're packaged as "Cheese Mushi Cake," and although I probably should not admit to using part of my food budget on snacks.. I did indeed do so. I also got Calbee snowpea chips. They're delicious as well! I gave a bag to my second one, as well as a pack of Orange Hi-chew, and some  Hazelnut Yan-yan. Which actually isn't Japanese but still rather yummy..

Um... other than that. I am exhausted, I was up until 5 because I was having major panic issues. Then I got up at 8:20ish, and finally got around to getting a nap sometime around 2:30pm. Oi. It's been one of those days.

I am coffee'd up right now, so I best go work on my final and pray for the best!

Wednesday, I will be calling on Tuesday to see if the dentist will be open.. THEN I will be getting these darn teeth taken care of! >.>


16 June, 2011

Nerves and stresses.

Tomorrow I am getting my teeth pulled. The EX was being a jerk earlier..  so much for being nicer now that we don't talk much. He was giving me hell for my financial situation and I told him it's none of his business really if I needed help paying a bill and I am closed to max on one of my credit cards. Kids are fed, clothes are clean, rent is paid, lights are on, and they're OKAY. So what if BF had to help me pay for internet (because without it I couldn't do school??) *sigh* whatever.

Then he gave me this huge attitude on if I would have enough money to pay him for gas to take me to my appointment and back tomorrow (because even if I drove myself, how would I get back while needing massive pain killers for having two wisdom teeth pulled? Yeah.. not worth the risk of driving home from the next state over like that!). I told him I WOULD have the money and even though it took me 6 hours to earn the damn $15 bucks I DID indeed earn it so he can just chill out. He was all "are you REALLY going to earn it or are you just going to get it from J?" J = BF. I said "I'm actually working on earning it RIGHT now"

Then he was all on me about how do I know I'll even earn it on time and if he should even bother not sleeping in tomorrow because it's a day off for him and if there is no gas money there is no point and bla bla bla and I started crying then I stopped myself and just got really quiet because it really hurt that he was like that. OMG. I NEED these damn things out that is why I said I would pay for gas money and he's not even paying for me to get them taken out so it's none of his business aside from yes, taking the time to take me on his day off (I took him because he 'needed' two of his out but then didn't.. so.. okay.. favor repaid?? but nooo..).
Being out of pain in my mouth and head and shoulder because the pain radiates and hurts like a giant ass bitch because they're in so much pain would be a REALLY good thing don't you know it?

I mean, if I had an option of asking someone else and having it be easy.. that's be a different thing all together. *sigh* Anyway, I got the money, and told him but he hasn't responded. Gah. I just want this done and over with.

It's so late, and my final is due Saturday but I am going to be drugged up on pain meds and just in a massive world of wonkiness. Which means right now I need to get my start and then PRAY on whatever there is to pray on in the universe that I can get this thing done and WELL by the end of Saturday and get this class done and happily enjoy my 8 1/2 week break..

So... I'm nervous about getting two wisdom teeth out, insanely so. @_@ Last time my mouth was in so much pain and I could hardly open my jaw for a couple of weeks! That was the left hand side and that was ONLY one tooth, not too. Yikes! I also need to have them look at two of my front teeth and see if they are even worth saving or if I will need another visit and a set of partial dentures because they're in absolute horrid condition! Purely horrid condition. I was not raised with very good hygiene practices. Dental or otherwise! On top of that I am absolutely cursed with weak teeth by genetics (ugh thank you sperm donor 'dad'!).

Blessedly all of the kids have had it better than me teeth wise! I tell them to brush, floss, and do it because if they don't they could very well suffer as much as me and they don't want that and nor do I. For the most part.. they appear to be listening. Aside from a couple of minor cavities in my oldest from her teeth being really close together (like mine) and from not flossing (my bad.. when she was younger I didn't really think of it.. since it was never pushed in my family... actually not much was....), she had a couple of tiny ones. But nothing near as horrific as what I've had since I was little by a long shot! I pray to keep it that way!


On an entirely different topic.

I worry that my 'being okay' with BF's working hours means that I don't love him as much anymore as I did before? Does that make sense? His schedule is crazy as! It's never the same because he works 'Casual' at a grocery. Casual isn't part time though, I'm not even sure what it would be considered here in the states. Maybe it's just an Australian thing? No idea, I could just be completely clueless on the thing! Anyway. Like I said, schedule never the same. Sometimes he'll have LOTS of shifts and then on his first day off they call him in and I will admit I am a bit like "agh but I need you too!" but at the same time I am getting to the point where I can say "I wish you could say no, but.. I know that it's good that they want to give you hours. Anything to get you here by December."

Is this good? Or is this bad?? I have no idea. It's scary. I don't know how normal of a thing it is, but I am scared that it means I don't love him and I have no idea.

Shit.. that sounds silly doesn't it?

I miss him, he's at work right now. He gets off in an hour and 11 minutes unless they keep him extra time. Which I suppose they could... I hope not! I'll be up at least a couple of hours while I get to work on my final! @_@;

I think, during my 8 1/2 week break. I really ought to look further into planning our wedding!!

1/2/12! I can't wait!


Lots of thinking

The difference between BPD and Stockholm Syndrome

for a moment, I forgot how I even came across this. Then I remembered, after getting bored trying to find a different blog that is entirely not BPD related, I went to search for BPD blogs just to see....
Okay okay, that and I wanted to see where in search results I landed because curiosity got the better of me..

I figure, from reading this, and it is an interesting read considering that the title of the post alone got my interest! That I would fall under this:

The Waif lives in intense emotional chaos, forming deeply enmeshed relationships with others who (they hope) can manage their emotions for them, turning to addictions to self-soothe, living in a permanent pattern of suicidal crashes and panic attacks as both an expression of their pain and a way to attract soothing attention – “Life is too hard.”

Reading things further, I began to wonder.. is my older sister suffering from BPD?

Because if so, I think she really switches in between these two!
  • The Queen acts like super-entitled and possibly insane royalty, demanding and intimidating, refusing any kind of responsibility or consequences, alternately charming and vindictive – “It’s all about me!”
  • The Witch can be equally intimidating, using rage and emotional or physical violence instead of charm, thinking that everyone is out to get them on one level or another, motivated by fear and suspicion and seeking out self-esteem and the illusion of power by harming others – “I’ll get you, my pretty!”
These two fit my oldest sister FAR FAR too well for their own good. Then again, I suppose it could also be that she is indeed just a sociopath..

That REALLY does fit her as well. Which is scary.
Sometimes I think a little too heavily don't I? IT would be nice to stop that, then again I do enjoy being able to think on things and research and make some kind of connection within... well the thoughts in my head.

Still, despite a lot of what I am reading. I am realizing that more and more, I am lucky to have realized my issues when I did. Though I struggle a lot, I have been trying hard to work through many of the issues within my BPD.

It used to be, when BF got offered an extra shift at work (extra shift = more money for him to get here and all that) I would be sad and upset and hurt if he accepted it. Sometimes I'd even beg him to just say no. Every now and again he'd just say no because he knew I'd be upset. Yet this past weekend over there, he got offered a long shift on Sunday. Where he's at, any hours on Sunday gets paid as "over time" aka time and a half. Good money. I think roughly $250 just for a day of work alone. I wasn't even upset at the idea, he was worried I would be though but I was able to say without much more than a slight bit of disappointment at not getting to see him much that day "Go ahead and do it, I'll be able to talk to you at least a little before hand, and maybe even text you during your break"

And I did.
I made it through that entire shift while.. bored not having him online to speak to.. and I didn't feel awful. I didn't feel abandoned and upset that he didn't want to be on his computer talking to me for hours on end..


Is that strange? I don't know, it could be a little, but it is a small victory for me.
I've also moved past feeling upset or bothering with the issues from what happened with the EX in regards to the youngest ones birthday party. It's been awhile since that party, and we don't talk as much anymore.. but.. it is what it is. Or "What is.. is". I can't change how he feels on the subject, I walked away from the argument, and though I felt hurt at first on the reaction and how things wet... You know what? It's okay. I'm okay.

Despite that too, he got over the issue as well. Upon learning of the death of 'my Krabby one' .. yes.. that is/was my term of affection for that cute little fiddler crab. He talked me through the worst of the feelings at first, and said if indeed Krabby was dead (there were doubts, as they can appear dead whilst molting...) that he would be sure to buy me a tank that the cat couldn't get into (his cat that is still in my care, because his place requires a $250 pet deposit and he doesn't want her to be lonely all day while he's at work..), and a couple of crabs to replace it. Today he came over after work and looked over Krabby with me. I gently took him/her (never did find out it's gender.. but I've always just referred to Krabby as 'him'.. for some reason..) out of the tank and put him on my hand. Gave it a gentle petting and showed him (EX).. tears in my eyes. He gave me hugs and stood around and talked a little. Telling me that I still did a good job taking care of my Krabby one.. because he'd witnessed it more than a few times. I cried up against him about how I probably killed him on accident somehow and I don't know how! I'd cleaned his tank like usual, and tried to be careful and put things in just right.. De-chlorinated the water, put in just enough of the 'instant ocean' salt to make the water brackish, and made sure he had one dried shrimp and a food pellet!

He is probably right, though, on the fact that I could have indeed gotten Krabby at the end of his life. He was not in good health when I 'rescued' him from the incorrect living conditions of Wal-mart. Which claim that the fiddler crabs are fresh water and just need to be in a tank full of water. When really what they need is a smallish amount of Brackish water, and dry areas to get on so they are not always under the water. They didn't even know what food to feed the poor thing, I found that out at an actual petshop... Still, fiddlers tend to live 1-2 years, and I had Krabby for 1/3 of a year in total. Perhaps just a little over that actually, since I got him when BF was still here for his visit around my birthday..

He said that, if Krabby was more 'sentient' he would have been happy and thankful of how well I took care of him after he was saved from Wal-mart and how they kept him. How he loved me too and it was probably just his time. We even made plans on how I will put Krabby into his final resting place.

Krabby will be buried in the earth, in the tiny little garden area on the ground just after our front porch/decky thing..
Once the weather clears up.. or perhaps.. even before it. He deserves peace, and he will not get that if I merely flush him down the toilet as though I did not care for him at all...

I felt somewhat better after that, even if... still... losing that little guy is still painful to think of.

The last time I lost a pet to death, was when I was pregnant with my oldest. It was right around my birthday, and my chat P-chan had been suffering from distemper. He could hardly walk that day.. and I had him curled up in a blanket on my chest. Gently petting him.. he was so weak, and so tired. The last thing he did was gently lick me.. before he shuddered his last breath.. and died there in my arms. At least I know.. he died with his mommy, still I was torn up about it for awhile. P-chan had been rescued off the street. A sweet long haired tortoise-shell runt of a cat who was smart and sweet. He'd come to me at my computer chair, I would dangle my arm down and say "up-up!" and he'd wrap his paws/arms and legs around me and hold on while I lifted him up into my lap where he'd curl up and nuzzle me, eventually falling asleep.

EX's cat is fairly sweet, she's been sweeter lately and hasn't been too mean to the kids..
She's been giving me lots of loves and nuzzles, and seems to know when I am feeling down and offers more of them. I appreciate it, it is comforting at times, and she seems pretty smart in her own way. "Us nom?" Is what we ask around meal times. Which is first thing in the morning, and then at our dinner time. She will perk up, and follow you to get the food, follow you to her bowl, and wait while you serve her up all while purring and sometimes even nuzzling you in thanks.

It would still be nice if she'd stay off the counter, and if she'd stop wanting to play with the water in Krabby's tank.

Goodness, it's later than I intended to go to bed. All over again. It's 12:56AM... It'd be good if I got some rest now.



15 June, 2011

Doctors appointments and things.

The kids are health wise 'perfect'. My youngest is taller than my son. She's 43.75 inches tall and weighs 40lbs 3.2oz. She's doing fine aside from that and she had to get four shots and she screamed bloody murder and stressed herself so hard that she has these little red spots around her eyes from the pressure.. and I was all "now people are going to think I hit her!" it really did look like someone could have hit her or something.. but she did just get it from crying too hard.

My son is 42.75 inches, and 38lbs 9.6oz. The doctor noticed that he really WAS all of the place and really just did not hold still and listen and she was getting a bit stressed just trying to do a basic yearly checkup on him! So we'll be discussing further what we can do for him on the 29th..

As for the crab, it IS sad.. I loved that little crab so much.. :(
I know, it's just a little fiddler crab, but I tried so hard to do right by him and keep him healthy and safe after how poorly they're treated at walmart and.. I don't know. It was thriving and things and I .. didn't expect it to happen. I cleaned his tank and the next day he's dead.. :(


I feel like a zombie..

Sometimes, I hate being in school for art because I have to try and critique art that I have seen done better by 2nd graders. Yes, I realize that is mean to say, but at the same time.. I don't express those opinions in class. Then again, I truly HAVE seen second graders do better than some of the stuff I see in classes. How do people make it that far into art school with that kind of skill? Then again.. *sigh* I don't know. I have high standards and I will work on a piece for 8+ hours if I feel that it needs 8+ hours while others post theirs all at the first day of the week and the lack of effort shows..

On top of that, i feel like I need to fall over and die. I've let the oldest sleep in my bed the past two nights and so I've been on the couch and have not rested well at all..
I will not be going to therapy this week (didn't last week either) because only two of the kids got their approval appointments for Therapy and I have no one to watch them.

I'm tired, I feel hot, I am sweaty, I hurt, I have a headache, and on Friday I am FINALLY getting those two broken wisdom teeth gone!

On top of it all, I want to run away and hide from everyone because... my poor fiddler crab died yesterday! I was hoping he was just molting. but no... he still has not moved and it has been over 24 hrs.. I am devastated.. yes.. over a little silly crab..

but I tried so hard to take care of him so well I read up all sorts of things and was so so so careful with feeding, cleaning, brackish water, keeping the cat away from him and.. and... now he's gone.. Only four months with him. :( I am just... heart broken..


13 June, 2011


That is what I feel like doing.
I forgot my son had an appt this morning to get approved for Therapy. So far, two of the kids have gotten a doctors referral to be able to go... *sigh*

Which is good, they'll get 6 months each, and hopefully it'll help them some while I deal with all my stuff. It may not be the best idea ever. I don't know, hopefully it helps them in SOME way .. you know??

No word again from my mom on the dramatic stuff. I wonder if she cut it out because I asked her if I needed to talk to dad about it? She said she was just venting, and then changed the subject.. hmmmm.. Okies. Works for me!

The oldest woke up with her temp at only 99.4* F this AM... sadly, it is up to 101.1* F again.. :( Darn it. I was hopeful she'd be lucky and it'd stay away! So she's lounging on the other couch watching Inuyasha while I sit here on my laptop writing this up and generally being.. err.. boring? I dunno. Naw, I am not relaxing.

I implemented family rules today! We have 7 of them for now, but we'll likely make it up to 11 once we get used to these ones.
The rules are...

  1. Always tell the truth
  2. Treat each other nicely.
  3. No arguing with parents.
  4. Respect each other's property.
  5. Do what you are told the 1st time.
  6. Put away anything you take out.
  7. Look for ways to be kind and helpful.
Of course there are some things under certain rules. Treating each other nicely has added things. No yelling or screaming. No hitting, kicking, hurting. No mocking. Things like that.
Putting things away says under it that messes aren't fun for anyone. :(

Heh, hopefully it works.
I think I will need to implement rewards for my son, because he's the biggest part of the problem actually. I really think there is something underlying all of this. But so far, every year, the doctors are all 'he's just a boy, he's fine' blablabla..  I think there is something there to all the bratiness, the loudness, the fits, the defiance, there is just SOMETHING under him that is.. I just don't get it at all. The whining.. the.. everything.. The lack of making eye contact, always gogogogo, talks all the time, has his vocal volume WAY up. I dunno.. *sigh*

Tomorrow he has a general appointment. Yearly 'well child' type thing, so I am going to bring this up. See if there are dietary suggestions, supplement suggestions, anything I can get.. Even if that means it may resort to some kind of low dose medication for some kind of balance. Even if I hate that idea.. He and the oldest are who I am most concerned about when it comes to therapy though..


I had something entirely else in mind when it came to writing this.. but I don't remember it anymore. 
I guess this was important enough that it needed poured out instead of whatever else that was.. hmmm


12 June, 2011

I want to *plugs ears* LALALALALA!!!

Damn it. Of course my mom is dragging me into her stuff again. She texts, asks if I'm awake, I say yes, she tells me to comment on her Facebook status.. and.. low-and-behold dad is trying to do stuff again. She caught him. She's pissed, and now.. well.. of course I was dumb enough to ask what her somewhat vaguebooking status was about.. :(

Fucking.. hate this..
Right close to their anniversary.

Right when BF is working a lot and is gone so I am all.. AHHH

When the kids are sick.
When I am not feeling well..

Just in general... LALALALALA I want to ignore it. Why not talk to one of the other siblings about it? Because I'm the only one working to do anything to get better?

I have no idea, but I did not want to go there right now. I'm tempted to go throw my phone in my room or say I am going to bed.. or.. fuck who knows.. *sigh*

Go away damnit family drama. I don't want you anymore. I was starting to feel a bit better emotionally..

I am not.. going.. to..l let this.... do more than just frustrate me. For a little bit. I am going to have my frustration, and then get over it. I am not going to hurt, I am not going to cry. If .. things go bad between them.. There is nothing I can do, or say to fix it. This is not my business, this is not my problems, this is out of my control.. and it is, what it is.


11 June, 2011

Sick right after school is out

The Ex-H decided it was more important that he go down to California with his GF to get her kids than it was to has his weekend with his own kids. Hmmm... she can't fly with two kids on her own??

Oh well..

Two of the four kiddos are sick, one show signs that she may be getting there. So my week with them will end up being tending to them while sick instead of going on walks and doing things like that. Which sucks. I had challenged them. If they could walk the 3 miles to McDonalds with me, I would get them Happy Meals, let them play, and get them ice cream for when they were finished (we'd ride the free city bus back, but not there..)

Of course, that can't even happen with a Flu going on. I can't expose them to people like that, nor do I believe in forcing ill children to walk 3 miles just for a lunch. *sigh*

*sigh* If they are still sick over the next week, I don't even know what he is going to do considering he'll be having them in daycare 2-3 days of the week. o.O Daycare doesn't really take TOO kindly to sick children, he may have to end up handing over any sickies to me. Then again, does he want to expose his GF's kids to the flu? I have no idea..

BF's work keeps giving him extra hours. Okay okay okay.. no it's not 'keeps' it is... Well they gave him a long shift today. Which is great, because when he works on a Sunday he makes overtime. Which is great, because... we could use that towards getting him here in early/mid-dec for the wedding and for moving and all that jazz..

Umm... not much else to say. I am still trying to muck through this last week and a half of school. Gods I hope I can. I did better on my assignments this last week than I thought I would. That or the teacher has lower standards. Then again, and this may sound bitchy, considering what I've seen my classmates do sometimes.. it's a wonder how any of them are passing sometimes.. >.> I guess I have high standards, because I know my oldest can do better work than some of these people..

Speaking of her..

My goodness, why did she get so big?!
Seriously... her toes, her feet.. I was rubbing them today so she could fall asleep on the other couch (she's one of my sickies..) and... they're just.. SO big. Where did my little baby girl go? >.> I am not good with this kids aging stuff...

They're aging faster than I can..

It's.. intimidating and a bit scary.


10 June, 2011


Being sick really sucks. I got this cold/flu thing that my son gave to my oldest daughter and now on to me.

So, I feel like it is a lie to say "I am a healthy and loving individual" to be honest. My health is actually pretty sucktastic. But I suppose I need to lie and fake it until I make it even still?

Let's see.. I got 6 inches of my hair hacked off earlier this week. Those 6 inches were extremely dry and in poor shape. I also had the lady layer my hair. I am working out my previous color, and will soon have white hair. I will do the very bottom layer dark blue though. So that will all be interesting. I am going to do my last bleaching tomorrow before I put in the white from Punky Colour. I hope it goes well. It seems one part of my hair in particular is still.. an odd color, just one strand...? It makes no sense at all.

I am really being driven crazy by my son today. He seems to just want to act like the EX and be a total jerk and never listen to me. I hate to say it, because I do love him dearly, but my gods he treats me like shit and I absolutely hate it. :( I hope Therapy works for him... because it's not going to get better on it's own and I have tried countless things and with little results... *sigh*

Okay, I guess I will end it here for today.

  1. I am a healthy and loving individual
  2. I am worthy of happiness and love
  3. I am intelligent and kind.

07 June, 2011


My sleep is all over the place. I can't tell if I am tired. So I end up being up so late that I end up with maybe two to five hours of sleep. I have no idea why is wrong with me.. Who knows...
So I have been working myself hard, but at the same time not hard enough. I have no idea what to say about that really. I got through two birthdays, thankfully I am done with birthdays aside from my son's party in a week and a half or so.. hmmm...

Oh, speaking of. Today my son is 6. I made cake balls for his class. I was crazy to try and make 50 cakeballs. I barely got them done in time to get there for their snack time. Still, most of the kids enjoyed them. But I have to say I wanted to die a little each time someone threw one they'd just bitten into away! They were... actually very good! I will likely make them again, but with less time crunch and I will most likely actually have the kids to help me. I think they'll like that.

It is a messy task.. but oh they were good.

They were Triple Chocolate Orange cake.. A Triple Chocolate cake mix, with a bit of Pure Orange Extract... then Chocolate frosting mixed in, which also had Orange Extract.  Then they were rolled into balls, chilled, and then coated with either  Orange flavored (with the extract..) vanilla Orange colored Wilton's Candy Melts.. Dark Chocolate Mint ones... or Milk Chocolate Orange (with extract..) ones.. >.> Obviously.. I needed more of the candy melts than I thought I did.. Or actually I think my problem was is that I did not actually melt the orange ones enough so they were thick thick... so their coating was worse..

They were better than my usual cookie balls. Which is an entire package of Oreo's, crushed to a fine powder, mixed with soft cream cheese.. and coated in.. all sorts of things. A mix of cocoa and powdered sugar is good, sprinkles are good, Andies mint chips melted are good, or various candy melts..

This after the 57 cupcakes I had to do last week. I have hardly had much to write about. I am just trying to get by day to day. After tomorrow. I will only have one and a half weeks left of school. Then my blessed vacation. Sadly, my grades for last week put me at a 95.5% A.. Yeah yeah.. complain why don't I...

*sigh* I have been trying to remember to say the words Dr. L told me to say..
My teeth are giving me lots of pain.
I've been having coffee basically ever day just to make it through. But I make sure it's not so late in the day. Usually well before dinner time. So it can't be what is keeping me up.

Anyway... I guess I really just have to take care of homework more. I've drawn it.. but I still... actually I am not even done drawing the darn thing. o.O;; I have been a bit slowed with mental fatigue and the kids seem relentless in their need of me lately.

Yes, stuff to do.

I hope everyone is doing well.
I need to catch up on my reading!


04 June, 2011

I like it..

Yesterday, Friday, was the kids' school end of the year 'carnival'.

Mostly, we went, ate some pizza, drank a drink, ate some ice cream.. and then 3 outta the 4 kids got little squirt guns (there were two bins, you got one prize out of each.. just because.. o.O). So, we went outside and the three with water guns were off. The youngest went and chased around boys and really got them good!
The oldest two went around with their friends and played squirt guns. So that left me and my son, I just walked around while he did some things. Played a lassoing game, got his face painted, got some temporary tattoo's, tried to hula hoop, played with his giant balloon yo-yo thingy.. I am not sure what it's called really but yeah.. got his hair spray-colored pink, green, and orange. Stuff like that.

Somehow I managed just fine with two of my anxiety meds. It was just me, the kids and all those people. I didn't get freaked out or anything. It was... absolutely amazing I have to say.
I even didn't mind going to the bathroom while they all did their things. Which meant they were out there in the school playground and field area while I went inside the building. It was...
Well I am proud of myself for being able to relax in the situation.

The kids' school is actually really great. I managed the cupcakes, but the frosting that was actually colored ended up melting no matter what I did. :( Still, they're 2nd graders, and didn't care and thought they were good anyway! Thank goodness I am doing cakepop's for my son's class! Those will e easier to handle and I wont actually need 57 of them! @_@

Lets see, took it more or less easy today. Yesterday I was exhausted and slept off and on and didn't do my homework until late. Still, I got it done and that is what counts, and on time too!

We went and saw Kung-Fu Panda 2 today. I really did like this one better than the original, very nice. I smell a 3rd one coming on after the end of the movie, but we shall see.

Not feeling all in all so well today, mouth is bothering me a lot and really I hope that next week I can get these dang teeth taken care of

I can't believe summer break will be here soon. I am looking forward to 8 weeks with no homework at all. Absolutely fully looking forward to it!

At the same time not though.

Anyway, all in all... doing better than I was the last few weeks. It really is a nice change.

  1. I am a healthy and loving individual.
  2. I am worthy of happiness and love.
  3. I am intelligent and kind.
Those are three things that Dr. L wants me to repeat when I am feeling crummy, but I have been doing it even when not. So that I can get them into my mind and 'fake it until I make it.'

It will work, because, I am saying it is going to work. I will not let it NOT work.

I will get past this. I will beat this.
I will make it safely off this "Borderline" and I will be okay.


02 June, 2011

"So why tell someone?"

Dr. L asked about my burns.
I had told her about them.

She seemed not to really care too much that I did them. O.o