for a moment, I forgot how I even came across this. Then I remembered, after getting bored trying to find a different blog that is entirely not BPD related, I went to search for BPD blogs just to see....
Okay okay, that and I wanted to see where in search results I landed because curiosity got the better of me..
I figure, from reading this, and it is an interesting read considering that the title of the post alone got my interest! That I would fall under this:
The Waif lives in intense emotional chaos, forming deeply enmeshed relationships with others who (they hope) can manage their emotions for them, turning to addictions to self-soothe, living in a permanent pattern of suicidal crashes and panic attacks as both an expression of their pain and a way to attract soothing attention – “Life is too hard.”
Reading things further, I began to wonder.. is my older sister suffering from BPD?
Because if so, I think she really switches in between these two!
- The Queen acts like super-entitled and possibly insane royalty, demanding and intimidating, refusing any kind of responsibility or consequences, alternately charming and vindictive – “It’s all about me!”
- The Witch can be equally intimidating, using rage and emotional or physical violence instead of charm, thinking that everyone is out to get them on one level or another, motivated by fear and suspicion and seeking out self-esteem and the illusion of power by harming others – “I’ll get you, my pretty!”
That REALLY does fit her as well. Which is scary.
Sometimes I think a little too heavily don't I? IT would be nice to stop that, then again I do enjoy being able to think on things and research and make some kind of connection within... well the thoughts in my head.
Still, despite a lot of what I am reading. I am realizing that more and more, I am lucky to have realized my issues when I did. Though I struggle a lot, I have been trying hard to work through many of the issues within my BPD.
It used to be, when BF got offered an extra shift at work (extra shift = more money for him to get here and all that) I would be sad and upset and hurt if he accepted it. Sometimes I'd even beg him to just say no. Every now and again he'd just say no because he knew I'd be upset. Yet this past weekend over there, he got offered a long shift on Sunday. Where he's at, any hours on Sunday gets paid as "over time" aka time and a half. Good money. I think roughly $250 just for a day of work alone. I wasn't even upset at the idea, he was worried I would be though but I was able to say without much more than a slight bit of disappointment at not getting to see him much that day "Go ahead and do it, I'll be able to talk to you at least a little before hand, and maybe even text you during your break"
And I did.
I made it through that entire shift while.. bored not having him online to speak to.. and I didn't feel awful. I didn't feel abandoned and upset that he didn't want to be on his computer talking to me for hours on end..
I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF for it!
Is that strange? I don't know, it could be a little, but it is a small victory for me.
I've also moved past feeling upset or bothering with the issues from what happened with the EX in regards to the youngest ones birthday party. It's been awhile since that party, and we don't talk as much anymore.. but.. it is what it is. Or "What is.. is". I can't change how he feels on the subject, I walked away from the argument, and though I felt hurt at first on the reaction and how things wet... You know what? It's okay. I'm okay.
Despite that too, he got over the issue as well. Upon learning of the death of 'my Krabby one' .. yes.. that is/was my term of affection for that cute little fiddler crab. He talked me through the worst of the feelings at first, and said if indeed Krabby was dead (there were doubts, as they can appear dead whilst molting...) that he would be sure to buy me a tank that the cat couldn't get into (his cat that is still in my care, because his place requires a $250 pet deposit and he doesn't want her to be lonely all day while he's at work..), and a couple of crabs to replace it. Today he came over after work and looked over Krabby with me. I gently took him/her (never did find out it's gender.. but I've always just referred to Krabby as 'him'.. for some reason..) out of the tank and put him on my hand. Gave it a gentle petting and showed him (EX).. tears in my eyes. He gave me hugs and stood around and talked a little. Telling me that I still did a good job taking care of my Krabby one.. because he'd witnessed it more than a few times. I cried up against him about how I probably killed him on accident somehow and I don't know how! I'd cleaned his tank like usual, and tried to be careful and put things in just right.. De-chlorinated the water, put in just enough of the 'instant ocean' salt to make the water brackish, and made sure he had one dried shrimp and a food pellet!
He is probably right, though, on the fact that I could have indeed gotten Krabby at the end of his life. He was not in good health when I 'rescued' him from the incorrect living conditions of Wal-mart. Which claim that the fiddler crabs are fresh water and just need to be in a tank full of water. When really what they need is a smallish amount of Brackish water, and dry areas to get on so they are not always under the water. They didn't even know what food to feed the poor thing, I found that out at an actual petshop... Still, fiddlers tend to live 1-2 years, and I had Krabby for 1/3 of a year in total. Perhaps just a little over that actually, since I got him when BF was still here for his visit around my birthday..
He said that, if Krabby was more 'sentient' he would have been happy and thankful of how well I took care of him after he was saved from Wal-mart and how they kept him. How he loved me too and it was probably just his time. We even made plans on how I will put Krabby into his final resting place.
Krabby will be buried in the earth, in the tiny little garden area on the ground just after our front porch/decky thing..
Once the weather clears up.. or perhaps.. even before it. He deserves peace, and he will not get that if I merely flush him down the toilet as though I did not care for him at all...
I felt somewhat better after that, even if... still... losing that little guy is still painful to think of.
The last time I lost a pet to death, was when I was pregnant with my oldest. It was right around my birthday, and my chat P-chan had been suffering from distemper. He could hardly walk that day.. and I had him curled up in a blanket on my chest. Gently petting him.. he was so weak, and so tired. The last thing he did was gently lick me.. before he shuddered his last breath.. and died there in my arms. At least I know.. he died with his mommy, still I was torn up about it for awhile. P-chan had been rescued off the street. A sweet long haired tortoise-shell runt of a cat who was smart and sweet. He'd come to me at my computer chair, I would dangle my arm down and say "up-up!" and he'd wrap his paws/arms and legs around me and hold on while I lifted him up into my lap where he'd curl up and nuzzle me, eventually falling asleep.
EX's cat is fairly sweet, she's been sweeter lately and hasn't been too mean to the kids..
She's been giving me lots of loves and nuzzles, and seems to know when I am feeling down and offers more of them. I appreciate it, it is comforting at times, and she seems pretty smart in her own way. "Us nom?" Is what we ask around meal times. Which is first thing in the morning, and then at our dinner time. She will perk up, and follow you to get the food, follow you to her bowl, and wait while you serve her up all while purring and sometimes even nuzzling you in thanks.
It would still be nice if she'd stay off the counter, and if she'd stop wanting to play with the water in Krabby's tank.
Goodness, it's later than I intended to go to bed. All over again. It's 12:56AM... It'd be good if I got some rest now.