29 June, 2011

In moments where you are lost...

... where do you find yourself?

I'm struggling again. That feeling that I have no idea who I am. I feel that way usually, but some days, it hits me in the face like a backpack full of high school text books! Painfully kicking me back down to reality as everything happy shatters.

BF has another fucking infection.
Two of the kids have strep throat yet have NO throat pain.
That flu? Fever, cough, belly ache? THAT is from the strep throat, yet neither of them admit to pain. One of them is 5, she'd admit to pain right?? I don't get it!

Oldest was said to have depression according to a doctor visit first thing in the morning. 3 month okay for therapy/counseling, and then back to the doctors to see if it's helping or if she needs more than weekly counseling and possibly.. antidepressants.

Fuck me, are you serious??

I teared up.

I am a wreck today.

BF went to the hospital again, but they didn't keep him. Just more antibiotics.
I demanded that he wash his fucking bedding already and all of it! Washer and dryer it! Get it all clean and take care of shit.. Fuck.

I went to bed gods.. I don't even know what time. But I know that I was fully up come 7..
and from there I stressed the crushing reality of money and how little I have in comparison to how much life costs.

I hate life, so much, I am so stressed out that I just .. I broke down crying. I tried to keep working my poorly paying job that I can do with the children there that doesn't matter if there is noise. One that I can do and still be here, so that I am not dropping them at some Daycare, so that I am here and can see them and tend to them.

Not like if I had an outside job I'd still have it! I've had sick children for damn near a month now! Here no matter what that is grounds for 'fuck you you don't have a job anymore'. That and the price of gas, daycare, and clothing appropriate for work, I'd never afford an outside job.. I've checked.

Fuck it all.

What do I do with myself??

Who the fuck AM I?!

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