All too much

June has been one hell of a month!

Let's see..
I went twice to get my wisdom teeth out just to have the office closed, finally got them out though! Oy.. Third time ended up the charm I get!

Oldest was sick and I thought just a flu, coughing still a bit, turns out.. Oh.. somehow she has strep but no throat pain??
Youngest has strep too, Ugh ugh ugh.
Oldest has been diagnosed with Depression and some Self Esteem problems, so counseling will focus on that for her. She gets 3 months of counseling, and then another doctors visit to see how it's going and discussing possible medication. Damn depression for being genetic!
Middle girl has been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Emotions, and got a 6 month okay for counseling which they hope will help. She's sensitive, not near as much as me but overly at times. Gods I hope this helps!
Only son today had an appointment after his doctor noticed as his yearly check-up that he's really all over the place and doesn't listen well and just is hyper and inattentive. So he had an evaluation today, and it lasted an hour instead of only half an hour. Basically, He's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. The ODD he gets a month of counseling for before coming back to see how THAT is going, and a form I had to fill out and one to give his previous K teacher because he did cause a bit of a disturbance with not sitting still, not being able to get on track, not following directions, not taking turns well, things like that for a good part of the year and had problems with classmates because of his behavior.
Youngest so far.. is the only one who didn't get diagnosed with anything but got okay'd for counseling to help with the difficulties of what's going on with me and from her dad having moved in and out and the general stress in the home..



So anyway, I was sitting there at Sons appt and I just wanted to cry. I've been seeing these behaviors and I just knew that this is not 'normal' you know?? Actually, I DID end up crying a little. *sigh* It just seems like, I've seen this all along! But everyone brushed me off about it. So I'm looking at this little booklet the doctor gives me with the symptoms and so so many of them fit him. It's not a shock, but he's (imo) combined inattentive/hyperactive/impulsive type.
6 years old and I can't get him to STOP running out into the middle of the parking lot away from him if someone is not holding his hand or sometimes even part of his shirt as he'll just go! Sometimes I feel like I am going to die of a panic attack with how absolutely reckless he can be. I'm terrified of taking him out often because in a crowd, he's wandered off in the blink of an eye! Crowds are rough on me as is but it's a good 50x harder when I've got four to look after and one can just poof be gone the way he can.

Wake up this morning and was getting a dose of  Youngest's antibiotics and dropped the bottle!! I had freaking amoxicillin ALL over me, some got on the ceiling, it was just.. nasty and sticky. It just went in this explosion out of the top of the bottle and I nearly cried but I was too tired, so I cleaned up, got her a dose (because I managed to pick up the bottle with some being still in!) and went to bed again. Ugh ugh ugh. Well okay I called the doctors before I went to sleep, a nurse called back eventually and was all "well what happened?" with that tone of voice.. ugghh..... So I explained it! Then I did Sons appt and had to get him meds because he woke up, and actually just went right back to bed! So when I finally woke up today he was asleep again! Any morning that I'm not woken up by him early and with loudness or by him causing some sort of loud drama over something or other as he screams having a fit over not being able to wait for something or for one of his sisters trying to get him NOT to walk in on them in the bathroom or do something they've asked him over and over not to do... is.. RARE here, and rather concerning. Turns out he was not feeling well, low-grade fever and ta-da a freaking ear infection!

So yay, meds for him too. Now 3 of the kids are on the same freaking antibiotic and the only one to not get sick so far from it kid wise is Middle daughter, how?? I have no idea, but I hope it stays this way!~! So I got to the pharmacy and ask for both prescriptions and I get attitude "but you just got it YESTERDAY" So I said I dropped it and they give me this look and then are all "well the insurance wont cover it" yeah duh, I know I figured as much because I just had the insurance cover it yesterday. So I had to pay outta pocket but thankfully actually EX covered it bless him for that because ugh.. money is killing me right now. No matter what I do I just seem to be drowning in it. *sigh*

So.. a month of Counseling for his ODD, and as soon as I can get his former teacher to fill out this paper we go in for another eval/talk with his pediatrician to see about the possibility of medication of some type or whatever else we can do.

I feel.. so.. heart broken over so much of this. It's been one heck of a month and I just.. am not emotionally doing very well with it but I am doing my best to struggle through it all. I feel bad that the 'just a flu' turned out to be even worse, I thought 'just rest, tylenol for any discomfort, fluids, and try and stay comfortable' was the right way to go. Neither of the girls have had pain and I just.... feel like I should have known something more was up magically somehow. The depression for the Oldest hurts my heart, I hate suffering from it and I hate to think ... well I hate to know that.. it's genetic, so.. in a way it's 'my fault'. I know that ADHD is genetic, I know my mom has it to an extent, I may have it to an extent, some of my siblings may have it to an extent.. but not to the extent that I see it in my son. For the Middle daughter, I feel so heart broken how much of my own sadness and easy to tears I see in her. I ... feel absolutely horrible that most of these problems are linked to their genetics because of all the people in the world to be their mother.. it's me..

Of course, I know that ex-h is going to look at me as the cause of so much of this. Each time my Son has been a handful he gives me a look, the finding out the kids started counseling he gave me that look again, it's all this 'it's because yer fucked up' look from him. The one I got so many times when we were married. I'm still the eternal fuck up..

-Shattered