02 August, 2011

On the outside

Still looking in.
I will always really be the outsider no matter what I do.

Even despite all the horrible things my oldest sister may do, I will be the outsider.
The one sitting there awkwardly as everyone talks about the illegal substances they use. The one shaking her head again and again when offered one drug after another.
I don't care if it's legal, I will not be smoking from your Hookah. I'm sorry, I just will not be doing it.
I will not smoke pot 'instead of taking your meds' because it 'makes you feel so good'. Ugh, I am not going to do something illegal just because it can 'make me feel good'. I've seen how much more drugged up YOU seem on that crap than I do on my 'mind altering' anti-depressants. Sorry, I'll go the route that's legal and not risk it. I also don't want to just look like some zombied out person.

Lah. @_@

I also tried hard not to judge my mom as I sat there.
Listening to her, watching her laugh, seeing her teeth rotting and knowing that there is some sort of option if she'd take it.
Will the kids look at me like that someday?

Will I be falling apart before I am 50 like she is?
Do they look at me and see me falling apart already?

I have to wonder, just how awful do I appear to them?


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