29 March, 2011


My underarms smell like a mix between BF and I...
I  used his razor, and his shaving cream to shave..
and then my deodorant...

I smell like him..

His Pajama shirt is all that I can use to fall asleep at night, so I'm not resorting to medication every night. I hate the weird hangover I get from it. Yet sometimes I have to use them both.

I lay there, my nose pressed into that pajama shirt. Or I have it draped over my face, as I curl up.. Wishing it was his arm around my neck and not just my hoodie stuffed there to try and mimic the feeling.

I don't sleep well. All over again. I'm getting to sleep come 4am... waking up when the kids finally decide to wake me. Which is close to 11am the past few days.

It's spring break, they play downstairs, they know that I don't sleep well. :( It's not fair to them, but I appreciate the sweet thought.

Yesterday, we spent an hour outside playing and trying to learn how to ride bikes. I even talked with the neighbors a little.

Then, I let the oldest try her hand at cupcake making from a box mix. She ended up burning a couple of finger tips.. but the cupcakes (or muffins? Since they have no frosting? We're not sure the difference) came out well..

Today was rainy, not good weather and colder, I didn't want to stand around in rain that also had a little snow mixed in and try the bike riding..

But the ex came over and let me get candy from his work truck (he stocks vending machines). I got some for the neighbor kids too, because they're sweet and play with my kiddos.

I got my grade for my class that I finished. Saturday was the last class. I got 100% on my last two assignments, and passed the class with a 94.14%. That's an A, not a overly strong one really, but I'll take it. It keeps my 4.0 intact and proves that really I can draw a lot of things I never though I could actually do. I'm proud of myself.

BF bought us pizza to celebrate. Well us being the kids and I. It was good, got that meat stuffed crust pizza and a regular stuffed crust pizza, and used a little coupon for a free dessert from Pizza Hut. Yummy...

Other than that, I haven't done much.. I've been sort of useless.

Had a minor pregnancy scare, my period was late, and I had spotting for a few days. I used two pregnancy tests and got two negatives. Before it came on hard and practically kicked me in the face. As glad I was not to be pregnant, I really hate how much cramps can just hurt like there is no tomorrow.

Right now? I'm watching news things on the computer. I have dateline open on IE on my secondary monitor, MSN off so I don't have to converse with anyone, and I'm actually taking a break because I feel like I need to write here. Write here people ... I don't know. Where I can connect somewhat with people who  understand me in some way.

I feel like I'm dying inside.
I felt it from the moment I had to drive BF to the airport. That 30ish minute drive was torture. Driving away from the airport was torture. Sitting through the conferences was heartbreaking. The EX was there, not the Ex-husband. He doesn't care about those things at all. Not class parties, not field trips, not report cards, anything. That all falls on me. Then again, he didn't care when we were married either. Those were all my things to worry about. Meh.

I still feel it.
That abandoned feeling. I know he'll come back. I know we're going to do whatever it takes. I know we're looking into our options. I know he's at work right now because he needs the money to get over here, and to make ends meet for himself (and me when I get in a bad situation at times...) in the mean time. I'm glad work needs him again, I'm glad for his sake.. and admittedly... glad that he's willing to help me when I do something stupid and am in a bind.

Still.. I was hurt...
So hurt that he had to leave.

That morning? When we woke up..

That last morning, we lay there quietly. Then he said he was sorry... then started singing "I would stay awake... just to hear you breathing...."

and I started in "watch you smile while you are sleeping... while you're far away and dreaming... I would spend my life. In this sweet surrender, I would stay here in this moment. Forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure. I don't want to close my eyes! I don't want to fall asleep 'cause I'll miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing. And even when I dream of you, the sweetest dreams will never do 'cause I'll miss you babe and I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want to miss one smile... I don't want to miss one kiss. I just want to be with you, right here with you... just like this. I just want to hold you cloooose. Feel your heart so close to mine! and we'll stay here in this moment. For all the rest of time! " I giggled.. and did " yeah.. yeah... yeahhh... oh however he does it"
then we sang a tearful "I don't want to close my eyes! I don't want to fall asleep 'cause I'll miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing. And even when I dream of you, the sweetest dreams will never do 'cause I'll miss you babe and I don't want to miss a thing."


I hated it.
The entire time he was gone.
I didn't  hear from him again until he'd landed in Sydney. I was worried sick, I was just dead..
I've hardly left my bed at all since I got there Wednesday Afternoon...

Yes.. I am serious. The kids have been off school and I have been withdrawn.

The door is open.
They come in and they snuggle and talk, and play, and watch shows with me on my laptop...
but I just... I made a shopping trip.. Eventually..

okay.. only because I went with the EX... because I needed him to, and he eventually agreed to it. I just... couldn't get out there. I wasn't even checking the mail by that point. I had the kids do it. Yes.. I did.. indeed...

I... want him back home... BF... here.
This is home.
He doesn't need to be so far away.

He belongs here. Even the kids feel it.
Even they ask when he'll be back. Even they miss him.

I hate this.. I hate this I hate this..

how am I supposed to face JW on Wednesday?
What will I say? Will she pull the "will you be safe? Do you need to go into the hospital" thing again?

UGh! what if she does?! I don't want to go.
I'm safe. I know I'm safe. I don't feel like killing myself. I just feel like I'm dying on the inside.
That's what the pain is like..
It's like dying. In my heart..

I just want him back! I just want him here!

All the little annoyances between us that we worked out. All the things we talked about. I told him things we talked about. I read him things from my DBT, shared the articles from JW...
He's so...

He's so... positive..
He's .. trying so hard to help, to listen, and I'm trying to change myself for myself, for the kids, for him.


Because I don't want to lose him.
Ever ever ever...
Even if at times I try and push him away because I am sometimes the biggest idiot in the entire universe.


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