15 February, 2011

Too much thinking, Holidays are painful.

This is actually stuff I'd written in the last entry, which was going far too insanely long. I figured it'd be just easier to make two entries.
(I don't need to write a blog, I need to write a novel with how much I write sometimes. Yikes!)
On a completely unrelated topic.

Yesterday sucked, I had to struggle with the telling BF that no, no I didn't like what he got me. Which was two boxes of chocolates from a brand that I don't particularly like, and have chocolates with a gooey fruity filling which I absolutely cannot stand.
It's not as though he does not know what I do not like when it comes to chocolates. I mean I've made enough shopping lists, and we've had enough conversations about likes and dislikes that. Once I told him, he realized, and actually admitted to not fully reading the product description.

You know? I tried, and am still trying, not to take that personally.

But it was a low Valentines day yesterday.

Then again, if there was one thing that the EX did well, year after year, no matter how much or little he/we could spend on Valentines Day...? Was to make even the smallest/simplest of things into something spectacular just on surprise and execution alone.

I know that from half a world away, BF can't do that, still I expected... expected.... at least... *sigh* That whatever it was, no matter how little/much he spent (it could have been $2.50 for all I care really..) that whatever was in the box I opened, reflected 1.) I love you 2.) I was thinking about you and 3.) I knew you'd like these because I know you enough.

After so many years, I feel that's... not too much to ask. Right?

I guess maybe it's just because I agonized over what I could get him and not have it be a melted puddle since he lives in a place where it is right now currently hot and summer (almost fall? maybe?), as opposed to my way too cold and winter. So it took a lot of planning just to do well. Even if shipping is slow since trying to buy anything from here, to him, was about 5x more than it was just to buy it from HERE and send it TO there. Isn't that nuts? What's with that?

That and, I guess in that way, the EX did spoil me. Even last year he did to an extent.

Is it wrong to admit that, really, I'd like to be spoiled to a certain extent on holidays? I'm not saying buy me 5 dozen long stemmed red roses, diamond earrings with a matching necklace. I'm just saying, just know me. How did he do so well at Christmas? Then again, he knew 100% for sure that I wanted what he got, he knew I'd be drooling over it for years. Plus he didn't go the candy route, had he, it probably would have been a disaster there too?

Still, he's sweet and apologetic and I feel awful for not just sucking it up and lying to him. But Dr. JW says that really, I need to learn to just suck it up and tell people what I am feeling (as nicely as possible!) and remembering that how they take it and how they feel, is them, and I have to let them be them and me be me and just because they take something a certain way doesn't mean that for me it was that way.

(runs  out at 12:33, almost late getting son to school!)
(only to come back at 12:46 and have had him be late, as he decided not to get dressed like I'd been asking him to for 15 minutes...)

I'm a wreck, just in general, not just because of Valentines Day. EX is trying to get in my pants every day the past three days it seems. I wouldn't mind if I was single, because I could use the sex (yes, I could, it feels good and the feelings afterward aren't ones I get much at all without it.), but he knows that I am indeed not single. So, what's up with that? Of course, he doesn't get how I'll feel alone with all the kids here, when "I'm the one that'll be living alone." He says, to which I said, yes, that is true, you'll be living alone. No one to wake you in the middle of the night, no one to care if you want to walk around naked, no one to clean up after, no one to disturb you during homework for. You have class 4 days a week with adults. I'll live alone and in near isolation with four kids.

Who, don't get me wrong I love, but kids do not make up for the company that an adult can give. Even an adult who you don't always get along with. They're kids, it's not their job to provide the type of company an adult can give, and no I don't mean sexual. I mean emotionally, intellectually, just things like that you know? My kids don't get references to shows and games and situations from when I was a kid. So there is this disconnect. That and, I am their mother. Not their best friend, so while I love them, care for them, take care of them.. I need more than just to be 'mom' 'mommy' 'momma'.

I just told him, "I know, but then again that's coming from me who feels alone even in a crowded room."

He admitted recently, he hasn't actually looked up anything on BPD since oh, about 8 years ago. When it was brought up in class back when he was in high school. Huh, well, a lot happens in 8 years and even then he only had a very vague idea. So as much as I wish he could understand, he just can't get it.

I'm trying to be strong, I'm tying to be brave, I'm trying not to feel like I'm being abandoned again. More so because this is a good thing, technically, somehow, for both of us. Emotionally, it's harder than hell and I'm scared and unhappy the closer we get to it.
He'll be gone by the end of the weekend.

I can only pray that the coping skills from Chapter one of the DBT book help, in some way... I guess we'll see. I'm going to have to take every day minute by minute just to try and cope. Holy crap, this is scary and I'm crying just thinking about it....

Yesterday, he asked me, while I was trying not to cry after just a long difficult Valentines day with stems from other things and not just the whole chocolates thing...
"Did you hope I would have done something for you today?"

"Well, I didn't really expect you to, I mean you don't have to after all. You're not obligated to really do it."

"Well, I know that, but did you hope I would have?"

I had to think on it a little, my eyes closed as I attempted just to force the idea that yesterday was supposed to be a holiday completely out of my mind. "Yeah, I guess I did, just a tiny bit wish for something like that..."

"I had considered doing it..."

He said, and I wanted to cry so much. I think I may have a little, I know it wasn't his intention to make me cry, and that is all on me. But what girl wouldn't feel a little upset at that? Actually, okay, perhaps some, but not me.. not yet.

Then we talked about all the Valentines passed. Our first year together, we were extremely poor. I was going through my divorce, and my huge nasty custody battle.. was pregnant, stressed, puking daily, tired, just inching ever closer towards my wits end and.... He asked me to go get him a soda (we only had soda because it was on sale, yay). Huh? He had just been in the kitchen, "yeah but I forgot."

"Well just get up and get it then," Hey, okay, I was  a little grumpy.. but I was extremely bad off physically and mentally.

Eventually, I did complied and got it. A "Chibi Pepsi," by the way, was the soda. Which is what we call those little 8oz cans of Pepsi, which are so cute and little and adorable that when I first saw them I had a geek out moment and completely squeed over! I wish they made those of Pepsi Throwback. You hear me Pepsi? Make Chibi Pepsi Throwback! (Chibi is the Japanese word for little/small.)

Anyway, I didn't actually notice it at first, I got the soda's (him and mine, because I wanted one at the power of suggestion or something heh) and turned to go out of the kitchen (tiny kitchen), there I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it. Something move on the wall that was such a bright color in contrast to everything else that I could not help but look.

Then do a double take.

Taped to the wall, was a box of chocolates with a little card.

"THIS is NOT a Valentines Day Present" the note said, and I laughed.. and cried... and laugh... while crying.
"Also, I don't really want the soda"

He had a total of $15 dollars (his words) to spend that Valentines day. Our first one together ever, and he knew that no one had ever done anything for me for Valentines Day before (well none of my ex's.. obviously I did Valentines day at school parties... in Elementary School..). Still, the price of the things didn't matter. Just the presentation, just the shock, the surprise. The blown away feeling and rush of that feeling good that is so rare that I feel.... Was stunningly amazing despite the simplicity.

My real present had a mishap later that evening. See, he'd accidentally dropped it in a laundry basket, and I'd found it while he actually searched outside in the snow, on his hands and knees for it. Poor thing right? I felt so bad. Still, I teased him later that evening after putting the girls to bed. "So, what's this?" Thinking that'd he'd actually MEANT to leave it in the laundry basket for me to find you know?

The look on his face, oh goodness. I ended up giving it back to him, so he could do what he intended with it.
The next morning, I woke up after he'd already gone to work (he worked early, had to wake up at 530am and all that... I've never been good at mornings... so...).

Our first apartment together, by the way? Was the very same one that had so many awful memories of my childhood. I lived there from 9 - 15 years old. Anyway...

So across from the bed, was the TV. On the TV was a card, something along the lines of "Good Morning, I bet you need to use the bathroom huh?" pretty close, and yes of course I did, I was pregnant!
In the bathroom, on the mirror, was the necklace hanging with another card. "I thought you'd look beautiful in this" or something like that. It was hanging in a way that it was right at my neck level, so it looked like I was wearing it with my reflection. *sigh..*

I, at times, just wished we could have been better people together and to each other. I'm glad we're at least on friendly terms... Most of the time.. you know?


Oh.. and.. before anyone thinks it. I'm not completely and totally being a bitch about the whole Valentines Day thing with the BF. Though I WILL admit I am struggling with my emotions in regards to the situation. I know that, at least in my head I know.. that usually I do love him and miss him and want to be around with him. There are times like this though, where I do that stupid thing that happens where you aren't sure and it's the complete opposite. Though he knows I am just working through my shit.

I had to tell him, "I'm sorry, but right now I'm really disenchanted and just trying to get over it." More or less, but I think I worded it slightly differently. Soon enough I'll be back to my 'usual self' again, and I'll be over this moment and go back to loving him, needing him, and wanting his attention.

There's just too much pain and drama in my head and around right now (yesterday WAS hard for reasons more than just chocolates after all!) to try and do it. So, I'm a little moody. Thankfully I've told him, if this happens, don't take it too personally. Most of it REALLY REALLY IS ME, and I'll get over myself soon enough and it's best to just let me pull back a little so I don't say or do anything too stupid and hurtful.

That's a good thing that I can admit to right? It's a good thing I can pull back enough to sort my head enough to go back on to my normal? I never did do it before, I'd just let these overwhelming emotions take control and then I suffered from the consequences of my actions and words, which often I could not even remember, after everything was calmed back down to normal.

It's different than I was just a few months ago. I mean, even before I got my diagnoses. I've been trying to work on how I react. Granted it's a slow process when you have no idea what happens and why, I realize that it's not the right way to go, and I'm really doing the best that I can do at this moment.

Hopefully, I don't make everyone hate me on the way through to the end of this journey.

I can't help but wonder, daily, how long will this take?

Where does the BPD end, and where do I begin? Or where do I end and the BPD begins?

On my medication here, I see kind of where the line between the depression and the bpd is. It's a very blurry line, at best, but it IS there.

I just don't know where, exactly, I lost myself to all of this madness that has consumed me for so long I don't even know where the 'breaking' point was.

Am I that 8 year old girl I feel like?
Is that where I end?

Right now, that's what I see. I end there, the depression starts there, the bpd starts someplace... but the time line is a jumbled mess like board game pieces thrown all over the floor by energetic preschoolers.

The people who read my blog, know more about me now than my therapist.
More than my ex-husband.
More than my EX probably too..
Often, even more than BF.

Yet, still, no one knows me fully.
As I don't even know myself fully yet.


1 comment:

  1. I just want to say I think you are doing alot better than you give yourself credit for. Firstly, guys are dumb. They forget things and do the wrong things all the time, try not to take it personal. Relationships are hard, especially when you deal with complex emotions as it is.Secondly, I think it's amazing that you can recognize when you are not doing well and be able to admit that. I have been in therapy for over a year now for BPD and I still often have trouble even recognizing my emotions or that I'm "not right" until after the fact. Continue with your DBT, it sounds liek it's been somewhat beneficial at least. You're doing great. Try not to feel alone, you have adult company here so keep writing,
    (hugs) Kelli