21 February, 2011


He's still not moved out.
Even with all the help I gave him yesterday. Helping him find a new mattress and foundation set to buy (he was going to buy it the day before a big sale, and would have spent a good $250 more on the set he got!), helping him move said mattress and foundation. Helping him buy himself new clothes. Helping him shop for groceries.

All in all, we left the house here at 10:50 AM yesterday, and weren't finished with errands he needed done until about 4:45 when we had to head straight out of town to go get the oldest three from my ex-husband.

yes, I do have my own car.
Yes, I could take the trip solo.
But in doing so would end up with more drama and emotionally abusive (seeming) words and actions thrown at me.

Seriously, he treated me like absolute shit Friday. Lots of hateful words thrown my way as he acted like a damn toddler about not getting his way. Throwing a fit that I pay him back a nice big payment of what I owe him for needing medical attention on my toe RIGHT THAT SECOND when it was severely infected and ingrown after it had broke and the nail died off and the new one got stuck and my attempts to treat it over about 2 1/2 months did not help.

Yes I do realize I DO indeed owe him money. Yes, I DO intend to make payments. So you know what I said? "Stop at the bank, I can pay you $100 right now, but I am not sure when I can pay you another payment."

See, this guy got $4500+ from federal tax refund for living here for the year and getting tax breaks on our youngest. Plus he's getting another $800+ state refund.

So OBVIOUSLY he's so butthurting for money right? I mean he knows I know that I owe him money, and he knows that I intend to pay him back as much as I can when it's not something that causes me issues.

I mean, his laptop and and pocketknife alone cost him my monthly rent. Yet he was acting like that. Even though I'd asked him just a few days before how much I owed him, and he said "280 or so" it magically became "320!!!" Friday night. Um... how'd this happen? But okay, whatever, I know I owe it, and I know a small payment isn't good enough.

Yet, guess what? He DID NOT stop by any of the THREE branches of the bank on the way back home that night. Uhhh.. for being a demanding jerk, I don't get it. I WOULD have paid it, seriously I would have. So what the flying freaking hell?

Took me out to dinner with just him and I Saturday, and for once didn't stress the cost. Then we watched a movie together. Was all sweet and bought me clearance Valentines Day chocolate (candy like ice cream, always tastes better when gotten onsale!).. So. I don't get him or his signals at all. He drives me absolutely nuts just trying to figure out what he wants and doesn't wants and needs me to do so he'll stop being a jerk.

Of course, perhaps he was just buttering me up Saturday so I'd be willing to help him Sunday? I have absolutely no idea. But I did, and bought him, youngest and I all lunch. Not a big deal. He's fine as long as he doesn't have "douchebag jerkass" mode turned on. Then, well then I just want to slap him or something!

Of course he's WAY stronger than I am and built large with muscles and all that. So it'd be a very bad idea.

Then he gets on my case again about how it's oh so rude when I just go along with what other people want to make them happy and not have to deal with drama by expressing my desire for something else. Uhhh... what? How's it rude to let you have what you want so I don't have to deal with a fight, sighs, drama, and the nasty words? Seriously? It's emotionally easier for me to not get what I want, and to just let others have what they want.. than it is to deal with the backlash.

*sigh* I'm exhausted.
Now that I think on it, I don't think the Wellbutrin is helping much at all. I'm back where I started with the lethargy, lack of will to do anything, not wanting to get out of bed, and having the house get completely overwhelming which of course is counter productive. I have FIVE loads of laundry that need folded, actually it's probably more like 6 now! It's taking up a large portion of my bedroom.

I want it to just go away.
Do itself.

Hells despite my money worries at the moment I'd be willing to PAY someone to come and fold it! Just fold it, or hang it up. I just can't get the will power to do it.
It's killed my want and desire to draw. I have a personal project that I am behind on and I feel awful. Like a failure, because I thought I could meet that one way a week deadline for what I was wanting to do. I'm scared I'm going to fail my class because I cannot get the will power to draw and I NEED to have TEN gesture sketches of human figures out by the end of today. It's almost noon.

I SHOULD  It WOULD BE NICE if I could get off my rear and do what I need to do. Would be nice if I had the ability to get it done, would be nice if I didn't feel so absolutely shitty that I cannot stand it. I think I need to call R! Because this is where I really don't need to be. I need to be doing better Depression wise. If I don't get a handle on the depression it makes it next to impossible for me to function. If I can't function I can't do my school work, housework, work work, pleasure work, kids, cooking, or anything other than what I've been doing today. Hiding IN my bed.

I don't even HAVE the will to get out of bed right now. Not even though my desktop is SERIOUSLY right next to me.

This is bad bad bad.

This is exactly where I was before the Wellbutrin. So why am I at the same place?

Is it not strong enough? I'm only on the 150 dose. Perhaps I DO need the higher?


So, now that Ex has a new bed he said he'd just leave his old one in his room here "So (BF) can sleep on it when he's here). Nope, I want him to help me get it out to the garage because his room is going to become an office, sewing room, and computer room for the kids. So there is no fights over computer sounds and TV/wii sounds anymore. You know? Though perhaps I will just allow the kids to take the gaming things downstairs. So that I can watch TV or anyone else can watch all the TV channels upstairs, and it wont be a big deal? If I can trust them with the Wii Upstairs. Why not downstairs? The minor locational difference will not change much you know?

So anyway! EX goes "Oh, you just want to sleep with (BF) in your bed THAT much huh?" with an attitude that implies I'm such a raging whore or something. "What? No, I just want the room to become an office, it can't do that with the bed in there. I want my computer and sewing desk out of my room and to move the kids computer in there. Since none of the girls wanted a solo room anyway."

Later in the car on the drive to get the kids from ex-husband the conversation somehow turned on to ME again, "I can't believe he's going to lose his virginity when he's here."  (Can't lose what's already lost, sorry EX. But it's none of your business anyway!)

Say what?? Why the hell is MY BF's sex life any of your concern anyway? I brush off the statement that again implies I'm such a raging whore and how dare I even consider sleeping with my BF. Though honestly? I'm not even sure I want sex anymore at the moment. I'm just not in a place where the idea sounds good. Doesn't mean it wont ever sound good while BF is here. Just right now it does not.

"Do you find it weird that you are so concerned with another guys virginity?" I asked, that was the only thing I could calmly counter with. Oh god was it hard to stay calm! I was >thisclose< to being flooded with tears that yet again he was getting into this about me. I'm so disgustingly bad that how dare I be involved with someone else. You know, while EX has himself listed on dating sites, contacts girls from CL, and trashes me and anything I do via email to some woman he meant on EQ (everquest.) Riiiiiiiiiiiight, if you hate me THAT much, then why the flying freak do you care??

"Well, I'm not really concerned about his virginity, more about who he'd lose it with." Ah ha, See. There you go. I'm not allowed to ever ever sleep with anyone again in my entire life unless it's my EX. At least, as far as he's concerned. Seriously? How much ass do I need to kiss for you to stop being such a jerk to me?

"Ah, I see. Why? Considering you're on dating sites?" More of a 'Why not look at yourself and wonder why you're so concerned about my dating life when you have your own out there?'

"Well, because I'll never actually meet anyone." Then he went into how he doesn't even have any pictures up, and no one would ever ever possibly want him because he's ugly and .. you know what? the same stuff he does so that I'll give him attention and reassurance that he's not that bad looking and someone will like him and. .. The stuff he doesn't really give me when I am feeling all that low? I get met with eyerolls, sighs, and "geez lady!" When I look at myself in the mirror and am not happy with what I see. At least most of the time. Other times he's too busy trying to grope me as if THAT really drives home that I'm attractive?

You know what that really drives home? That I'm just an object to be fondled like that. That my feelings don't matter.

Later that evening, yesterday night, after the kids were home and the youngest two were in bed since I bribed the oldest two with extra time awake if they did the dishes. (Chill. It's unloading, and then loading the dishwasher and setting it to run...) He and I are talking about something related to video games after a conversation about some of the programming stuff he was doing (c++). We're chatting in the bathroom (gross maybe?) and somehow, the conversation turns on to ME again. "I can't believe you're going to have sex with him." He says, with that same look on his face and tone of voice from earlier.

Holy shit. Why be so preoccupied on me?!

"Why do you keep assuming what I am going to do?" Is pretty much all I can manage to come up with, though I keep myself calm despite it. My heart is racing, my stomach is in knots, and I feel myself being shoved further down into the darkness. The darkness in which is mending itself once again and threatening to swallow me whole. Perhaps I cannot escape it. Perhaps I should just embrace it, and give up already?

That pretty much turned the conversation around.

BF isn't even here yet, but already his visit has been made miserable by EX. I'm not excited anymore.
I'm scared. No, I'm more than scared, I'm terrified!  I'm nervous, not excited, not happy, not looking forward to it. I'm dreading it.

I already had talked with the EX about it, earlier yesterday on the way to Walmart, since he can't stop bringing up MY personal life. That if this trip ends up as badly as the last one was, because of stress and drama and how it was just so painful. There's no real hope for BF and all. I can't live through it so many more times. I just can't.

He actually APOLOGIZED. For it, though of course blamed me for his behavior, and said that he'd 'basically disappear' for the time that BF was here. Hmmm, why do I doubt that? Why do I expect him to be calling every hour at least once? Even at night. Being jealous and hateful and all that 'fun' stuff.

*sigh* I just want the chance to be happy, with someone who makes me happy. Someone who doesn't mind the fact that it will take years of therapy and medications to help me with my mental illnesses. Someone who doesn't use words the way EX does to make sure I feel so low that I end up completely needing them as I have no self worth anymore?

That's what EX seems to thrive on, making me miserable so he can 'make it all better'... Over, and over, and over again.

I also know that, when BF had to go back to his country last time? It was so painful I was in tears for over a week more often than not. I tried my best to be okay over it. Yet it felt like he was going to never come back. Like it was all over. That there was no point, that this was abandonment even though I KNEW it had to happen. Even though I was pulling away emotionally because of all the pain EX was causing me, as well as all the pain knowing that this was only temporary was going to do.

Still, when I am not so low that I cannot feel much. Where I am numb, with a bit of raw pain rubbing against me. Empty... but feeling something inside that I just cannot express well.

I know I love BF. I know that I wish he could be here and never ever have to go back to where he is stuck living for now. I know, that out of anybody I've ever met... That he handles me better than any of them. Because HE will and has taken the time to read up on my illnesses. He's trying to help me through this and trying not to take my idiocy at times personally. He's TRYING to make this process not such hell, and I'm so thankful that he is so willing.

Even though I 'know' I am not worth the time and effort.

He still wants to.

I'm still unworthy of it.

I still see ways to just die and end everyones suffering of having me in their lives. Daily. Many times.

Maybe, the hospital would be a good idea.
But, I know my ex-husband will try to put me through another custody battle. Likely win, and I'll just want to die even more.

So, I can't do that. Despite knowing it'd likely be extremely helpful to get some constant treatment, in a safe setting, with people who care.. Or at least are paid to care.

Oh god, there's the tears. The ones I've held in all weekend.

It hurts, it hurts so much.. I .. don't... want it to hurt so much anymore.



  1. I've said it before and I will say it again, your EX sounds like a dick. Your personal life is none of his business. And BF sounds like a really nice guy, who wants to try and understand and help you. My fiance is of this nature too, he has always supported me and helped me and tried to understand my condition and without that I don't know where I would be right now. The love of a good man can be very healing. Don't let your EX scare you out of this possibility with BF. He clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I think anyone in your situation with EX would be extremely stressed out, let alone all the other things you have to deal with. Don't give his feelings that much importance in your life, he obviously doesn't take your feelings into consideration most of the time. Hang in there, it will get better!
    (hugs) Kelli

  2. Kelli,

    He can be very bad at times, other times he's all supportive and helpful. Then if I do one tiny thing 'wrong', like try and talk about how I feel even though they may not be based on what someone else wanted me to feel. It all seems to turn around on a dime into how awful I am, about how stupid it is to care about me, or do anything nice for me. As if even though I appreciate the help, or kindness, it's supposed to make up for all the overwhelming negative. It's that stupid thing of.. you expect the person to love you, and give a crap. But then they flip flop, so you can't tell if they love you, can't tell what they're feeling. So it's hard to even understand what a loving relationship it supposed to be like anymore.

    He has, indeed helped me through some very trying times. Though at the same time, he has, indeed, created some extremely soul shattering, heart crushing times himself.

    Still, I like him enough to be friends with him. Even if I wanted to be with him I couldn't because we just don't do good with each other. He can't understand my illnesses (he admits to not really reading much up on them...), and tends to blow up at the slightest things which tends to make matters worse on how I view myself.

    Thank you for the hugs! I appreciate them.

    As for BF, he tries, so hard, and he's so patient. Though I don't get why. I've never met with something like it. I've never met with a person who is like that. So it's scary, it's foreign, it's confusing, actually. It's more than scary.

    It's downright terrifying at times.

    I know, that after his three week visit, I am going to be crushed that he'll be gone until... Who knows how long ago. Immigration to the US is insanely difficult, and has this financial thing that I cannot afford to do. :( I can't sign that I can support him financially.

    So the person I need most in the world, has to be kept away from me. :(