10 February, 2011

I'm scared...

EX's moving date keeps changing so drastically.
As much as I do want him gone, I'm afraid of having him gone.

He was originally going to move out at the end of the month, then it was the beginning, then it was the middle, then not until mid March, then the end of Feb again, then the beginning, then the 15/16, and now it may be "this weekend."

I know it's a good thing he'll be going. For him, for me, for the kids, but at the same time.
It's not a good thing for me..

I'm scared, I'm panicking, as much as I want it.. I absolutely positively don't want it. It's crazy, and it makes no sense. It's the "I hate you, DON'T LEAVE ME!" fear of abandonment and I freaking.. hate it so much. He just told me today that oh he's going to try and get out of here this weekend and can I help him. I  had to keep myself from crying and just nodded and said, yeah okay I can do that. It's not like he has much stuff.. but.. ugh...

I... I.. :sob: ... don't wanna do this alone! I don't want to live alone again! I did it for a year and I don't want to do that again. It's bad enough sleeping alone and I'm so... terrified, and sad.. and hurting and.. just... awful... I'm in full ass tears and I have to pull myself together before he gets off of school because I don't want to try and explain this to him.

He's been mostly nice since I told him my stupid diagnosis and has tried really hard but sometimes he's just a total douche and calls me a bitch and.. ugh...

It's a good thing.. but dear gods the entire thing grips at my heart and my throat and my entire ability to be emotionally okay right now and I don't know what to do!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hey doll, it's ok. It's tough, but you have people to be there for you. You have your children, friends, your blog and I'm sure many other things. Try to remind yourself just because you are alone in your bed you are not alone in life! I understand the abandonment thing, it is hard. But you can get through it. I'm sure you've already made it through many worse things in your life. Be strong. If you need someone to talk to you can email me...
    Take care. (Hugs)