19 February, 2011


I have, unfortunately, in my pursuit of finding more information and ideas for how to cope/treat my BPD. Found fare more negativity than positivity.
More hate, than compassion.
More hopelessness than hope.

On BPD.About.com there is an article about compassion.
About how much hate and anger there is towards people suffering this horrible mental illness.

I, after reading it and a fair few comments out of the 124 comments... was compelled to add in one of my own.

This is my reaction, to the need for more compassion and understanding for those suffering what I, and many many others, have to suffer with on a daily basis.

I have been living with BPD for many years now. I had no idea what was wrong with me as originally they told me I was Bi-polar. My ex husband told me that depression was fake, and flushed my medication down the toilet. Before we married.
He did not want me to get medication, he refused to allow me to make any doctors appointments that he could not go to. To make sure that I wasn't trying to get medication 'behind his back.'
He got angry when I tried to have friends, and seemed happiest when I was stuck at home not talking to anyone in the world but maybe my family.

Yet I continued to have issues. I had severe postpartum depression which he told me, again, was fake and that I just needed to 'suck it up' and things 'aren't that bad'. It was nothing. I was just overreacting. Nothing was ever wrong or bad in the world and it was all just my stupid fault.

He didn't care about anything I told him, or tried to relate to him, and I suffered in silence until I finally got out of there. Of course, everything is still, to him all <b>MY</b> fault, because he goes to church now and is this wonderful perfect person who could never have done anything wrong.

Not the screaming at me, not the ignoring me, not at the not allowing me to go for treatment because he'd yell and get physical at the suggestion. I was forced to be isolated yet expected to be just fine even though I so desperately needed help.

Now that I know what I have, I can reflect on everything that's happened, and what results have been from my actions, even if I didn't intend harm or heartbreak. I also am trying to understand what things aren't just because I am the most disgusting, useless, unloveable, unwanted person on the entire face of the planet. That I didn't have to take that kind of abuse that lead up to how I was back then getting worse to the point where I am NOW. The ending of my marriage (I left it, because I finally managed enough of a spine to realize that I could not live that way with him anymore.) was his fault, as much as it was mine. If not more his fault than mine, but I know that I am to blame for some things.

Like marrying him in the first place after he hit me one arm after he started a fight because I wanted to take a walk. Yes, a walk, yes, alone. Yes. I wanted some fresh air and time alone. Heaven forbid.

Perhaps, people need to realize that those with BPD who suffered past abuse, need to have the validation that those who abused them were wrong. Then, perhaps they could move forward just a tiny bit easier.

We, those who suffer from BPD, are not trying to make your lives miserable as we suffer in misery daily. We're just, trying, somehow, often in the wrong ways to desperately find the help we need even though we often can't but it into words and rationalities. We're stuck in our heads, we're unable to get out without some measure of help.

I'm in Therapy now, once a week for an hour, I have a blog in which I do my best to let out all my feelings so that I do not outwardly get into massive problems. So that I don't rage, which happens to me maybe 2-5 times a year currently. I'm working at it, it's not a fast process, but I'd like some compassion in the mean time. Because I AM trying. I'm on medication to help with the depression, medication to help with my anxiety, medication to help me sleep because everyone functions a touch better when they can actually sleep proper, and going through the DBT on my own and with my therapist and actively trying to change.

I have four children, while I do have my problems with how I get at times. I have let them know that I am struggling with a couple of mental illnesses, that if I get angry or upset about something I still DO love them, and I make sure to apologize when I am clear headed enough again. I talk to them about it, I talk to them about how they feel, and I let them know that I understand it's painful, because I feel so absolutely disgusting and stupid after these episodes... I just do love them, and so we talk about what I may have said or done, even things I don't realize I may have done. You know? I acknowledge my mistakes. My fallbacks. I tell them that what I did was not okay, and that I am going to do my best not to let it happen again, but if it does that I hope they don't take it personally, because I just have trouble trying to control things at times.

I'm not sure really what else I can do but do my absolute best to get myself out of all of this, while at the same time making sure my children do understand that NONE of this is their fault AT ALL, and that I DO love them, and I AM sorry for things that happen as a result of my actions and extreme emotions at times.

Hopefully, that is a good place to start. So that they don't become the hate filled people I've seen at forums that make me just believe I should kill myself so the world is better off without another disgustingly flawed, unworthy, unwanted, uncaring, piece of sh*t BPD sufferer.

I'm not sure if anyone will comment on it over there. I am sure some will respond with negativity, and I am not sure how I will feel about it. Though I think if I just do not go look, at any replies. That would be the best course of action for me. I am not sure yet. I think I will just not go look again. So good or bad, I do not have to see what may happen with just the simple words of part of my story.

At the same time, I wish I could delete the message, and have just forced those feelings pulled up from me, back down to where they were before.

Though, that's not a good thing.. Is it?


  1. I think the comment you posted was great, articulating many things that people with BPD suffer from every day. I wouldn't even worry what other people say about it. Everybody has their "side" of the story, the important part is that you let yours be known!
    I know there are so many negative comments about BPD floating around but there are also some really good resources. There is a website on You Tube, a girl called Dani Z. vlog. She is really good. I suggest you watch some of her videos if you get a chance.
    On another note, thanks for your comments. I also really appreciate them and it does help to feel not so alone even if it is scary. But in a world that seems out to get us, the best thing to do is have other people on your side to help each other through this struggle.

  2. I'll be sure to look her up later when the kids aren't up to want to see what I'm watching. Thank you for the suggestion.

    You're most welcome for the comments. It feels good, well, what little good I can manage to feel before everything else drowns it away. To not be alone. Though at the same time, it feels awful to know that people suffer this way too. It's so double sided, I am not sure what to feel on it most of the time.

    Still, I know at least I can appreciate the fact that I have been able to find others who's words echo my thoughts and feelings a lot of the time. It makes me feel slightly less alone in the world.