22 February, 2011

A downward spiral

That's what yesterday was.
I helped the EX move some of the last of his stuff, I drew him for class.
Ended up getting nothing but negative remarks from an already pretty mean teacher by the way, and today was lucky enough to change to a different teacher.. Now, I just can't get into class.



Yesterday was hellish. I didn't sleep well despite the Trazadone. EX called me as I lay in bed and our conversation went from one thing to another and it started rounding back into how terrible I am and how I did this and that wrong and everything seemed twisted back into something it wasn't. Nothing I did for him was good, because it was all bad. He had right to trash me to some chick me met on a video game, and it was all my fault and I am trashy.

He somewhat apologized for his behavior but then continued to lay the blame on me. For two hours, the conversation went more and more downhill and the worse it got the more I just wanted to die already.

It ended with him saying he was just not going to talk to me anymore unless it was about the kids. He hung up on me right there, as I was at my lowest point. As I was contemplating what I could kill myself with. Where could I do it so the kids would not have to see it?

I researched it, opening my laptop and researched it as I went silent in texts to BF.. who usually texts me while I am waiting to fall asleep, at least when he's not working that late.

So I tried, and I failed.While I was trying EX texted and apologized. Says he loves me, and the only thing he hates me for is that I didn't want him anymore.

I did want him. I wanted him a lot, at times I still want him, because at times he knows absolutely what I need in the world to not feel as though I am drowning. In those moments I want to cling to him like a toddler who is scared and never ever let go.

But, he had so many problems and was so distant despite everything I tried to do.. That I had to find an escape from my misery. Back then. Because I'd tried to kill myself many times that he had no idea about. I just used the excuse that I was sick, or something else.. So that he had no idea what I'd done to myself.

So, I found a hobby doing something that I had done before. He was spending hours and hours on video games. Unable to be available because he couldn't do anything right then. So I found a group to role play/write with. In there, I made a couple of friends. One of them being BF, but it was all harmless at the time.

BF was just friend then. Just someone who could take my mind off of the real world. I didn't have to live in my world when I roleplayed with him and our other friends. It was nothing, it was happy, it was carefree. We'd talk about the weather, the news, random crap. Not about life, not about my struggles, not bills, not rent, not cooking, cleaning, my struggles to get up in the morning, nor how badly I just wanted to die.

Of course, while EX could do that with friends on his games, and be up late late playing his games with all sorts of random people. I was wrong for needing friends and some support for everything going on.

One night, he got annoyed and went to bed way earlier than usual. More so way earlier than usual for us. I was in the middle of writing a post and still upset from a fight we'd had earlier in that evening. So I said, I'll be up in a bit. When I'm ready. I let myself escape the feelings and it was 30 minutes later when he came back down. Funny, he didn't mind when I went to bed early without him because he wanted to play video games until 2:30AM+ but heaven forbid I need that kind of thing once in awhile as well?

He comes down, and I finally realize it's been awhile. I'd been so lost in my fantasy world that what had felt like a few minutes was half an hour. I closed out everything in a rush after saying "oh no! I lost track of the time!" and then turned off my computer. EX (my then Fiancee) went into a fit! I was hiding something! I didn't want to come to bed because I was cybering (cyber sex??) and I was cheating on him! I even turned my computer back on and showed him the posts in game. Innocent enough, we were in the middle of a battle and my character had gotten hurt. Nothing at all as bad as he twisted it to be. Still, despite that, it was all on me. He stormed upstairs and said "You know what, I don't want to marry you anymore,"

That was it. That was the end of it. We didn't talk for a couple of days and the tension was so thick you couldn't even cut it unless you had a sharp sword really!

He tried to apologize, but it was an apology in which it was all my fault. All mine. That sucked, you know? I mean sure, I should have just sat there and let him see what I was doing. But I did show him, and it wasn't anything worse than what he did in video games. Aside from the fact that I wrote out my characters actions, words, and thoughts.. He just clicked buttons, killed stuff, and talked with guys and girls alike in the game about... well I don't even know. But my conversations with BF (then friend) were all saved on my computer. He read through them, I know this, because even innocent conversations that I quickly changed the topic off of how I was feeling after fights, or when I wasn't just doing well emotional.. became another tool of why I suck so much, why it was all my fault.

No friends for me, no hobbies that don't include him, even though he didn't want me included too much. Not caring that video games make my head thrown off and I have photosensitive issues and absence seizures at times and that makes most modern video games very difficult. I just had to suck it up and live in the cage that was our rental and be okay.

Anyway... All this time, I was trying. I had something tied around my neck, looped around part of my headboard, and I was pulling it tight. My text answers became slower and slower. But it wasn't working, I was just trying to suffocate/choke myself to oblivion and it wasn't working.

Eventually BF called, yes, he called from his country. Worried. I still did it, he had no idea that I was doing it while talking to him. Until I started whimper-crying that it's not working, it's not working and I just need it to work already.

Then EX calls because I was slow answering his texts between what I was doing and the fact that I was on a call on the very phone I text from. Then he calls, and calls, and finally I have to tell BF I had to let him go because... well.. if I didn't, EX would come over here and it'd start even more issues.

I don't get it, "I'm not going to talk to you anymore" turns into text confessions of loving me and wanting me and all this..

I beseech you from within the bowels of christ think that you might be wrong. Life away from you is hard, life without you would be impossible. If you ever thought I was telling the truth, then believe that at the least.

a few more simple word texts between the two of us, while I'm trying to do this to myself and manage a conversation with BF... Who I think didn't hear the struggling in my voice...

and then him calling.


he texted after I didn't answer his call three times.

Of course by then I gave up, I removed the damn thing from around my neck and tossed it aside. It wasn't going to work. I had to find a better way, a quicker way, but I was so tired from the trazadone that I'd taken hours earlier.. I didn't even have the energy to go all the way through it.

Eventually, EX and I get off the phone, and I'm just too tired to do another phone conversation and my head is hurting beyond belief. I text BF a couple of times, and fall asleep pretty fast.
Waking enough to reply to a text of his about an hour later, but by then he's in bed too.


Woke up this morning too tired and too hung over from trazadone and my body not getting enough sleep, to the big girls getting their clothes on. "It's okay, just go back to bed. I didn't sleep enough to drive well enough this morning in the snow... and it's easier to do this than just to pick you up later for the doctors appt.. go back to bed.." Girls went back to bed and then I think everyone else was up about 1.33 hours later. I don't really know because aside from stumbling out of my room a little bit, and approving breakfast requests... I was useless.. Just useless. Obviously useless this time.

I woke up to a call from the dentists. Dentist fell ill, so appointments are cancelled.  Good, I don't want to drive clear to the office in the snow anyway. I was supposed to be getting my car taken care of this week, but now I don't know how that'll work what with the snow and all. Snow I hate you, so much, just you coming down and mucking up everything around makes me want to just curl over and die. I want to be done when you are here. I can't stand you anymore

I need to move away from places that snow. It's no good for me, I can't handle it enough. I just... cannot... handle it anymore. We had two winters in a row that the snow was so bad that it compounded into massive piles all over the place. The snow in the front yard of our old place was TALLER than me. Yes, taller than 5'4.5" ... Of snow. All winter. From early November until mid-late April.. So.. much snow.
So many advisories that say "don't leave your house unless you HAVE to"

My sister getting hit on the freeway by some guy from the opposite heading lane. He lost control and smashed his SUV into her tiny little sedan. She ended up touch and go, she ended up with rods in her right leg from the hip down. One of her eyes doesn't focus right, though its getting better. Her ankle had to be permanently fused. It was horrific. It was December 26th and the day that I was getting to have Christmas since that year my ex-husband had the oldest three, until Mid Christmas day. So we did ours a day early.

I got a call that she was in the hospital. She'd been in a bad accident. My nephew was in there. I didn't even think about it as I tossed on clothes and called a taxi. Back then I didn't drive, it was early early ass morning, I didn't want EX ( then fiancee... this was before it all ended...) to have to wake up all the kids. So I flew down there, as fast as I could. She wasn't awake, no one had any idea how she was doing. But I sat in the emergency room with my nephew, who was bruised, and shaken up. Tired, scared, worried about his mommy. I just held him in my lap to protect him, I offered to take him home and make sure he was okay. But his dad came to get him eventually..

She was in the hospital for weeks, we visited a few times but she didn't remember some of those. The ended up in inpatient physical therapy..

I hate the snow...

Every time there is a threat of snow that I have to drive in. I feel like I'm going to get hit. I don't even have to be in the car and my entire body feels this tension and worry and agonizing unending fear that I am going to get hit. With the kids in the car. We're going to suffer.

I don't want to suffer anymore. I just want to be done. You know?

I hate it and I hate that I feel so strongly when it happens.

It's an unending cycle of suck.

I've been useless again today. I did make the kids lunch and all that, but I haven't done much else other than be here in bed on my laptop trying to keep myself from gong back to sleep.

I see R tomorrow to look at changing my medication, or upping the dose. I also have another session with Dr. J...

Right now. All this feels hopeless and pointless.

Why am I bothering with this again?


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