12 February, 2011

I feel like I

Should apologize for my post last night.
Like I shouldn't have written it. Shouldn't have shared it.
I've set my blog to have the 'adult' warning, just in case anything I write is too much for anyone to take.

I'm sorry about that.

I feel safe to write here now, and often the words just flow and escape me and get out when they really need to. Finally, after so many years.
Not even BF knew everything that I shared last night. I've known him so many years and he had no idea. Not even EX knew, not even my ex-husband! Knew what I just shared last night on here.


I'm being my typical afraid of the world self right now. Like I shouldn't do it. Shouldn't share it, shouldn't get it off my chest finally after so many damn years in an attempt to let the feelings out.

J says "once you let the painful feelings out, they're not there to hurt you anymore. You might have more painful feelings on the same subject that you need to get out again, but they wont be as strong every time they're let out."

So there, I've let them out once, and I hurt over it still. I feel sick to my stomach. I had to stop myself from reading them back. From deleting my blog and just trying to plow on. Yet right now this is the best way for me to vent out at the moment. No one knows me, they may judge me but hell if I know. As long as they don't bother to comment if they can't keep their judgmental BS to themselves.. Wow.. It's not like anyone has been negative yet. Then again, not many people really read this anyway.

Which is good.... but also not? I don't know. I feel like this way, I am slightly less invisible than I have been all these years. Invisible, unwanted, mistaken, misunderstood... Never good enough dammit.

Agh, I should be happier than this. I'm on anti-depressants so where is my happy?! >.<


1 comment:

  1. Hey Shattered,
    Firstly I just wanted to say I appreciate your last post, I was gone for a few days and catching up today and I thought it was incredibly brave of you. I can relate with VERY much of what you wrote about. Of course it's still going to hurt but you have to be able to acknowledge it first before you can heal. I have had times where I felt the same way, nobody reads it, I should delete it....and I had someone convince me to keep going, and I'm glad I did. You have safety here in that you can freely express yourself, even the bad stuff you don't necessarily want to share with anyone. And most people who will be reading are most likely in the same or similar situation. Keep going, you're doing great! And I would miss you if you were gone. Hang in there, I'm so proud of you!
    Take care of yourself.