Seems like no matter how much weight I lose I'm still disgustingly fat?
Today at Wal-Mart they had all their Valentines Day stuff on clearance. Rather deeply on clearance for certain things. Like the pretty Valentines Day Chemise's that I was eying a couple weeks ago? $1.75, EACH. Oh yeah, I don't feel AS guilty when I buy myself something on clearance.
I mean, I still feel some measure of guilt, some measure of sick to my stomach that I 'wasted' money on my (worthless) self. But.. Yeah. They also, and I'm facepalming myself here, had the kids pajama pants on sale for $1.25 a pair. I paid $9 each yesterday. Awww fsk me backwards. I know they wont change it, I won't go and ask them to change it. Though really, $5 for four pairs as compared to $36 for four pairs, would have been MUCH nicer on my poor bank account.
Anyway.
So, I got the Chemise's in Medium (8/10) and the pants in L (12/14) (because the only Medium pants for adults weren't ones I thought were cute, and they're draw string and I like my jammy pants loose..), and I tried on one of the Chemise's. It fits, it fits WELL. Oh wow does it fit well. It doesn't dig into anything, and aside from my chest (which is too large) looking a little strange in something obviously made for someone with an average C cup .. It was lovely, absolutely lovely.
ME on the other hand, I looked disgusting, bloated, ugly, fat, huge, like a cow.
*sigh* I go on this insane little edge of wanting to just give up and be anorexic because at least then I can finally be thin and beautiful.
What the fuck?
I mean, I used to be a size 22.
That's a 2XL.
I'm a 10 now! A 10! A 12 when I'm at my absolute WORST bloating on my stupid womanly monthly curse.
So when will I be happy?
How will I look when I finally lose those last 22.8lbs?
That's all I have to go.. That's all I have to go.
50.2lbs lost..
I'll get there. I'll get there.
Will I finally be happy when I'm there?
Sorry I'm writing so much today.
My emotions are getting away with me and I'm just attempting to let it all out and process.
Wow I can't believe you lost over 50 lbs! Congratulations, thats incredible! I struggle with weight too. I go up and down. I have gone on Weight Watchers program a few times and that has really helped but lately my medication has caused me to pack it on. I understand the hatred of looking for new clothes and how if you are heavy chested you can't expect anything to fit you perfectly. Did you know the average size woman, what they consider to be "healthy" is actually a 9/10? Don't put too much pressure on yourself, congratulate yourself for all the hard work and acheivement you have made so far. About becoming anorexic, be careful with those lines of thought, it seems kind of distorted. How many people with anorexia do you see that look thin and beautiful? Generally they look sick, because they are dying. It's scary and it's far more to deal with than just dieting. Please take care, People will like you for who you are, not what you look like. I like you already and I have no clue what you look like, because it doesn't matter. At all.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Kelli
P.S. I hope you don't think I sound liek I am trying to be a know-it-all when I post comments to you, because I don't. These are just some suggestions and revelations I have had over time. I just like to try and help. Half the time I wish I could take my own advice.