25 February, 2011

Oh man...

Yesterday was indeed a snow day. My van is still buried as is my half of the shared driveway with the neighbors duplex. *sigh*

I was too nauseated and dizzy yesterday from starting Cymbalta to want to deal with the continuing snow and wind to go out there and shovel. I promised myself I'd do it after the kids went to bed, but the temperatures dropped quickly and the wind was faster. It was a "feels like -15*F" this morning, and though it'd have been nice if I cold have made it out there to brave getting myself unstuck.. I just couldn't. I'm suffering from the side effects of just starting the Cymbalta, the oldest woke up with stomach pains, and I just could not face going outside. I guess the school was freezing inside too. That's what the office lady said when I called the kids in. Yes, they've only gone one day this week.

To be fair, Monday was a Holiday, Tuesday I was hung over from 2hrs of sleep despite trazadone and a huge fight plus it was snowing and we had dentist appts to go to so it'd have only been a half day anyway but then they cancelled, they went Wednesday despite the weather, then it dumped a shit ton of snow over Wednesday night and Thursday up until around noon so they closed school and today.. well I already said it. I've made it the rest of the winter without doing this, so.. I am trying not to feel like a complete and total failure. It's Friday. We're expected to get more snow Sunday and Monday. So If I can get my car cleared and the driveway cleared now, there will be less of it to contend with Monday and we can get back to our normal routine not counting the suffering with snow part.

I'm seriously bummed about the snow. Poor BF will have to be here and suffer it.
It's supposed to snow on my Birthday. :( I don't like that at all.

It's so cold outside the heater seems to have to turn on constantly just to warm up the house and I still feel freezing. I'm absolutely petrified of what my bill shall be when it comes for this past month! Oh man it's going to be just awful I am sure. :(

I am not sure how I am doing in class. I'm in one of those "Do I even want to do this career path anyway?" moods. Dammit, I knew I'd do this to myself. But I DO, generally, when I'm not so bad off emotionally and physically want to take the route I am taking. Otherwise, I wouldn't have worked so hard so far and pushed to get into the program I wanted to get into despite my lack of formal training before now.

I have to draw a front and back of a human skeleton, and  front and back of a human muscular system/build? They're due by the end of tomorrow. I'm not so sure about how that is going to go. I intend to work on the skeletons sometime after lunch. Since I need to get the will to get off my rear end and do dishes yet again, sweep the kitchen and dining room floors too. Or maybe just use my little stickvac on them.. I'm not feeling good enough to stand around and sweep the stuff.

I've got this raging headache that even tylenol wont touch, and I'm allergic to Aspirin.

I want a hug and to know a couple of guys that will come and take care of the snow for me.

I'm tempted to just look for someone who can do it for pay without charging me an arm and a leg, I'm really really trying not to do so. But, damn, It's just one of those things I want to have someone else take care of.

Dr. J said, when I told her I just want to throw all my dishes away on Wednesday. Since it's been getting difficult to have the will to do anything. "Well what's wrong with you throwing them away and using throw away things?"

"Well it's bad for the environment.. but then again you use all that water to wash dishes and that's bad too.. so I guess it's damned if you do and damned if you don't.. but what's the right thing to do?"

"What will be less stressful so you guys have things to eat off of?"

"I don't know? Maybe if I just wash them and hide them until I'm less overwhelmed it wont be too bad? I don't know.. I don't know.. but something's gotta give you know? There's just too much, too much that needs me to do it daily and I've at the same time got to work on fixing myself. It's just.. too much!"

"Exactly, so what's so bad about using paper plates? And that's a good compromise"

"What is?"

"What you just said, washing your dishes and putting them away until you feel like you can handle doing them again on top of everything else"

I'm considering it, heavily considering.

I'm not sure if that's awful or not. But seriously, with five of us here, something's got to give so I can work on me some more. I don't want it to be me that has to give, or schooling for myself that has to give. Something else has got to.. I'm just not sure where I can cut some stress off and not feel like the world will damn me for it.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't indeed.


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