15 February, 2011

Hold me.

"and I'll be out by Wednesday night,"

"What, you mean tomorrow night?" I tried to keep my voice even, my outer appearance neutral. Inside the adrenaline rushed, the tears were being choked back, my heart started alternating between rushing and freezing up entirely.

"Yeah, I'll be sleeping at my new place."

"Ah, well, let's go get the kids to bed," I couldn't face it right then. Tomorrow night. TOMORROW NIGHT.
This is it, this is absolutely it.

I'm hardly holding back the tears right this very second. Right this very second I'm forcing them back and writing here, before I go and try and do something on my distraction plan in an attempt to feel better about this.
How do you use the damn distraction plan when you haven't even touched the deep abandonment issues thing??

I am not even sure what I am doing. I read the chapter, but I am not even sure what I am doing. It's like I am stabbing wildly in the dark while wearing a blindfold. (As I can actually see somewhat decently in the dark to be honest.)

After the kids are in bed, he messages me on MSN messenger (fine, it's Windows Live now, but I'm stuck in my ways and it'll always be MSN to me!).


"Hi" We're maybe 10 feet from each other. Both our bedroom doors are open, yet we turn to the damn computers to communicate through. Even when we sat next to each other before, when we were together. We did the same. Text on a computer screen substituting for real spoken words.

"How's you?" Ahh, he's probing? Wondering how I am taking that he's moving out tomorrow? I am not sure I want to give him that. I know I don't want to, because he'll make me feel guilty. How would I be alone? When he's the one going to live alone. Why am I sad. Why can't I handle this well?

"Tired, you?" That's all I manage, I can't really elaborate again. I've done it a couple of times, it does nothing. There's no point. It's happening and it's done and I've got to try and come to terms with this. Holy crap this is hard.

Seems he was indeed expecting something more than just an answer.
I've become very one worded in my replies to people on MSN the past couple of days. Even BF, even the oldest when she's clear across the house and wants to ask me a quick question about the reports she has to work on for school.

I'm hurting so much inside right now. So much that I want to just take it out. Find my lighter and make some burns to the collection, but I wont. Take apart a razor and make some little cuts. To see if I can feel anything physical outside, instead of just inside. It's hard to remember if I can sometimes.Again, I wont.

Acting out will not help me at all, acting out is not the way to do this. I am going to do my best to use my distraction plan, and just do my best to make it through this thing tomorrow. Somehow, somehow I have to make it through tonight. Somehow... somehow, I have to make it through helping him move tomorrow.
Somehow... somehow....

I have to make it through tomorrow night, without the sounds of him playing guitar when he feels like it. The sound of him typing. The sound of him talking (all too loudly for 10pm +...) to people on the video games he's playing online.


Just me.
The kids downstairs.
Just me.

Against the world.

BF got called to work again today. I'm not doing so good. Just say no, please? Why couldn't he just say no, right now I really needed the emotional support today. That's selfish, I know this, I am doing my absolute best to be strong all on my own. Without needing to lean on him, but I am aching on the inside. I feel like I'm dying in there.

I will finally have a key to this place.
EX has had the only one the entire year + 1 1/2 months we've been here. I've not been given one, as he kept saying he'd make me one. Yet never did.
I haven't  had a key to my own house.
So, every time I've had to leave during the day. I must leave everything unprotected. The door unlocked. Everything could be gone in a heartbeat, as I couldn't protect it.

It made leaving harder. Just a little harder, just so much...

I'll have a key, I'll have a key and I'll have "power" over locking the door. I ca be secure that leaving the house doesn't mean our things will get stolen. Our things that I couldn't possibly replace. We've been severely lucky that, nothing has been stolen over his desire to  have control and now allow me a key.
I pay rent, and half the bills. I should be allowed a key to the place the children I call home.

God, I'm getting too upset.
God I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm so conflicted and hurting, but I think my anxiety med is kicking in, my heart is hurting slightly less now. Though it still feels odd, painful, really tight, stabbed, I hate it.

I need to go distract myself.
So off I go to clean off the top of my dresser, organize my art supplies for the art of my next class that starts Thursday, and perhaps work on the project I've been delaying severely.

I didn't do my homework.
That collage, I didn't even try.
I am not sure what she'll think of me when I don't have it tomorrow. I am not sure what to say.
I'm no better than my 10 year old putting things off to the last minute. I got too caught up in my final for class, and too caught up in trying to keep myself okay despite everything.

I guess the collage will come after the cleaning off the dresser and organizing the art supplies.

I'm damn useless and stupid. Holy shit, why can't I get my shit together easily on my own? It's ridiculous!


1 comment:

  1. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS! One chore at a time, one step at a time. Don't worry about what's next. You are not useless and stupid. You have an illness, that is what prevents you from getting your shit together on your own. I know. I struggle with feeling useless everyday. But take your time, and you can do it.