04 February, 2011

Let it out...

After taking my son to school, the youngest and I went to pick up some things for BF for Valentines day. There is no way they'll make it to him in time, not considering that the postal service is slow unless you pay an obscene amount for shipping. Which, at this moment I cannot afford to do. :(

Still, I got him things that the youngest helped me to pick out. She still wants to get him something more too, so I'll have to get out of the house with her tomorrow and get him what she wants to do. Then we'll have to send him a lovely package with stuff and love! <3

I wish I could send him chocolates. I wish I had the warm weather he's having down where he is!
It sucks that he's half a world away. Though I say more like a world away. His world is so much different than mine..

One thing about our long distance relationship is, that it makes me focus and really try hard to get over my separation issues. The issues with feeling abandoned when I'm away from someone too long. Though I still feel it when I don't hear from him for some reason. When he forgets to send a 'good morning' email, because he wakes in the middle of the day for me. I fight of feelings of 'he just doesn't love me' or 'why did he forget about me?' which is stupid. I know it's stupid, because I know he loves me and I know he didn't mean to forget just that sometimes things happen.

Tonight, literally not even that long ago. Twenty three minutes to be exact, when I was brushing my hair and actually feeling good about myself in a rare burst of ego. His work called him in for a shift and he was gone before I even got back to my computer! Of course he let me know, but I had this feeling of frustration, sadness and anger all mixed into it. They called him yesterday, oh work tomorrow, then called and said oh nevermind. So to call when I was busy with him doing something to feel good because I've felt crummy, and need him just.. NOW?! Well. Yeah. Fsk it.

I'm not really so much hurt by him having to do it, but... okay.. yes yes I am. He doesn't HAVE to go in when they call but he decides to a lot of the time. Granted he has told them no a couple of times when they call last minute when I've really emotionally needed him too.... Ugh.. I don't know. I know right now he's taking any and all extra shifts they'll throw his way because he works casual at the place he works so any more hours are great for making sure he can afford to visit for my birthday and all that...

But damnit, I wanted our evening together... :(

See how lame that is?

Ahhh! I'm driving myself crazy with it.

Still, no, I will admit other things do that too. Like when he'll tell me 20 minutes before the fact that oh so and so is coming over so I'm going to have to disappear. I hate that, I need better warning, right now I need better warning because otherwise I get upset and hurt and I feel crummy thinking we had all this time together only to not have that time together.

I'm selfish.

It makes me want to hate him at times, it makes me just want to say fsk it just go away. But I know he needs to spend time with other people and working and it can't just be all about me even though at times I really want it to be all about me and helping me cope with things right now.

I will admit that I AM better about it now than I was, oh say last year. Before I even realized that my feeling such things so strongly and so uncontrollably had this name. This diagnosis, this reason, all the reasons behind it that I haven't even gotten to really get out and share with anyone at all. Not even my therapist.

I mean.
I've shared them in a small extent with BF. But not in great detail. Not in long drawn out story.
Not in ways that would.
Hell I don't know!

JW doesn't even 'buy into' BPD anyway. But she'll agree to do the behavior therapy. Should I change who I see? To someone who actually agrees with this? To someone who thinks it's actually this thing that it is?
To see what all lead up to it?

To why I feel like I've been abandoned and have been over and over and over and over again?
Left far too much to fend for myself?
Left without reason? Without knowing what until so many years later? Left having to do things that a 10 year old should not have to do? Hated? Mistreated? Misunderstood? Pushed aside? Made fun of? Chased with pins and needles and poked at by my own family??

I can see every thing that has probably lead up to my being like this, on top of the stupid biological depression from my sperm donor of a 'real father'. Whom was loving and great when I was a kid but completely abandoned me time and time and time again after he was finally out of prison? Who cut me out of his life for the stupidest reason possible? Because I was leaving my husband 'with the cute brother'. Yes, that is seriously why he cut me from his life.

But it was for the better in the long run, because his lies over and over and over hurt so much. Because he promised so much only to disappear time and time and time again.

I hate that I'm biologically related to him. I hate it, it disgusts me, it just makes me feel so useless and hopeless and unfixable. All of it. Everything I've suffered through and have had to deal with, but have not known any good way to cope with.. I hate it all.. I hate everything that has lead up to this situation. All the years of pain and agony and no way to deal with it right. No one to cared enough. Just people saying that depression isn't real and you don't need medication and oh just suck it up and deal with it.

Like I WANTED to be miserable?! Like I want to be scared of people? Scared of leaving the house? Hiding myself in long sleeved shirts and hoodies in even the summer time? Even in 100 degree weather? Like I like it all? No I hate it, I hate going out, I hate people looking at me, I hate knowing they all probably hate me too. I don't hate people. I want people to love me, I want people to like me, I want people to accept me, I want friends, I want family, I want... to feel like I belong.

I don't feel that. I feel like I am outside of all of it. Even still, yes even on these depression meds I feel like I am just completely separate and like I will never really belong anywhere with anyone.

I am being completely irrational right now but I cannot stop myself from feeling this way right this moment. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I don't even know how to get a hold of my therapist after hours. I just have to suffer my feelings and see if I can actually get any conversation worth trying to help me with out next week. Otherwise, I am just wasting time and money not getting anything out. Maybe a little, scratching the surface.

I still don't feel safe talking to her just yet. I still feel like she's judging me. I still don't know if we'll get anyplace.

I hate it, I hate that my head is like this.

Ugh, and here I was feeling 'okay' until I was  honest with myself and then it all came pouring out.

I need to go find a distraction that isn't food. Because I'm going to get fat again. I will die if I get fat again. I don't want to get fat. I want to get skinnier. I'm barely at the healthy BMI level now and I want to be skinny and not be afraid to be seen in public in pretty clothes. I enjoy that I can fit in a size 10 right now, though I'm so bloated from eating so much the past couple of days that I feel sick I've even touched the 1500 calorie mark more than once this week. I feel just so disgusting.


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