17 February, 2011

Another Medication....

I saw R today. She's the one who over looks my medication.
I dunno how I feel about another medication. She's not sure if I'm okay on the Wellbutrin? I mean. I don't feel the same as I did before I was on it, but I still feel all empty, lonely, useless, tired of everything. Not like.. tired tired.. no energy tired. Just a general "I can't do this anymore" type feeling.

As insanely obvious that was from my last entry right?

Anyway. I told her that my sleep is worse now. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, unless I take Tylenol PM or something meant to help me sleep, and even then sometimes.

So, now I am going to be on Trazadone too... She says it may help with the Wellbutrin for my overall mood as well. I'm not, really sure about that. I'm still unclear on the line between the Major Depression and the Borderline Personality Disorder even IS you know? How much of what I AM feeling right now IS the BPD, and not just further depression? I can't even tell. I don't even know. I'm just so... ugh.. agitated about it.

I'm exhausted.

The EX says he'll be out by Saturday night. Okay. Well, I'm not holding my breath on that one. He flip and flops this entire thing so much and is CONSTANTLY trying to get me to have sex with him lately and back off buddy! I know sex is one of those RARE feel good things for me, but seriously? Not doing it. No matter how good you are at it and how many of my buttons (next to all) you know just how to push to get me almost so dumb that I'll do it?

Probably because I've built up that idea in his head somehow. I'm admittedly easy to get in bed sometimes. When I just need that, need something that actually feels good. Oh so good, the feeling afterward is amazing, the way my body feels and the lack of the usual empty, useless, worthless, hopeless, lost feeling.... Is just so... insane. I guess. Or, really annoying. I'm trying, so hard at all this.

So. It's a four day weekend.
The kids minus the youngest will be gone from Friday evening (like 7:15PM ish?) until I pick them up on Sunday at 5. Then there is no school Monday.

Crap crap crap.
I need time to myself. I don't even really get that in the evening technically. Last night, after putting the kids to bed, after they'd not even given me time to write an entry or just breathe for more than a couple of minutes.
I tried to go bathroom, closed my bathroom door, lowered my head into my hands, breathed that I'd have SOME measure of peace for a moment and.....

*knock knock* and he opens the door.

"What?" Is what I manage with a sigh and a bit of edge to my voice. Dude, I'm 26 going far far towards 27, do you REALLY need to walk in on me when I am trying to pee? Can it REALLY not wait a couple of minutes? You know, just a couple. Just some peace.

Some say that the bathroom is the only place that one's soul is alone.
Mine isn't even really allowed that pretty often. Even my kids try and bug me in there, so I tend to get irritable and snap "Please! I am just trying to pee for a few minutes, can you just ask me this when I am DONE peeing??" I mean, come on! I need to pee, I need some peace, I want to focus on peeing/#2ing and not having someone NEED me right that second...

*head desk*


I saw Dr. J after my appointment with R, and she asked me a couple of times if I was sure I was okay and how my appointment with R went. I gave her the chocolates I'd wanted to give her yesterday, but forgotten in the upset of the damn key fiasco... She seemed rather shocked. Heheh, well at least they'll go to good use right? I'm sure she'll enjoy them, or maybe share them with other patients. Yesterday she gave me a little candy, from a little goodie baggie someone had given her. It was sweet.

Anyway. After that, went and sat outside of the kids school in the van for the next 17 minutes. I didn't want to drive all the way home just to get here, be here for maybe 7 minutes, and have to run back out over there you know? Just, wasn't worth it.

I'm wasted. So extremely just tired and sore. My god I just need to curl up and take a nap and wake up to the house being clean and dinner being served. You know? Like a guy likes to try and expect?


Okay, I hate more to say but I've forgotten. Heh.

Write more when I remember it I suppose.


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