12 February, 2011

I'm not going

and you can't very well make me!

I was going to just give in and go to the crummy day before Valentines 'family' lunch BS mom was trying to put together. Do I particularly want to be put in a family situation with them all again? Hmmmm, nope, nope not really at all. Still, I haven't seen dad (technically 'step' but he and my grandma *his mom* are the best family I've got.. Well aside from my sisters from him. They're good too.) , Since November. So.. I wanted to just try and be there to at least see him. *sigh*

Then started the drama. First Burger King, Ew, but whatever my brother was crushing on some 'cute girl' there so. Fine. Whatever. Then oh no, now you have to decide! Umm... okay, pizza. Okay, So pizza at brother's place. Okay, good I settle with that, as long as his ex wife isn't going to be there! She's  not, good, I can deal with that.

Next thing I know it's Arby's. Ummm, no. I didn't agree to the plan changing THAT many times in the span of 30 minutes?! Fuck it. I'm done, I backed out and said I can't take the constant plan changing and I'm out.

Then dad posts on Facebook, 'To all my kids out there, if you want to see mom in this lifetime Lunch tomorrow at 1 at Pizza hut". Oh my god. I just can't do it. I can't take the back and fourth! It's hard enough to force myself out the door and face people as it is, let alone with all this back and fourth bullshit over some stupid lunch out.

All I responded with was "You make it sound like she's dying or something."

I seriously am REALLY leaning towards turning off my Facebook for good. Geez.

The back and fourth sent me into a panic attack, I can't calm down from it so I popped one of my anxiety pills.

God I hope I can sleep tonight.

Maybe I should go take another hot shower, I'm just... Really not doing good these past few days.

Thank god this class is almost done. I've been sucking at it. Yes, sucking is a low A and not a 100%.
I'm still not there with the letting "good enough" be "good enough" and not just meaning "I give up."
To me, when I say something I've done is "good enough," that's me saying "I can't take it anymore so I'm giving up on it!"

I need chocolate. I want alcohol, or cigarettes and I haven't smoked in years. I don't like how I am feeling right now. At least when I was depressed it just made it a bit... less, feeling. I don't like feeling all this.

I remain,

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