06 February, 2011

Not sure if this is normal?

I'm having a really hard time getting out of bed again.
Then again it's taken me forever to fall asleep, and I've been waking up at night far too often.
This morning, I woke to my alarm after 4.5 hours of sleep, managed to get a pill out of my bottle, rolled over.. and really DID mean to get out of bed.... But I fell asleep with the pill in hand. Woke up with a start 10 minutes later and it wasn't there anymore!! Ah!

So in my panic I went bolt upright and had to hunt for it. Somehow it managed to be just under one of my pillows. I don't get it.

The ringing in my ears is driving me mad, last night it was so loud I just wanted to go to the hospital and say. LOOK!! It hasn't gone away! You said two weeks! Two weeks!! and it's getting worse and it's both ears now!! Do more than just look in my ears and dismiss me..?! PLEASE?!

But I didn't, oh did I want to do so.. So SO badly did I want to do it!

I'm not sure if I have energy to do anything or if I'm just so bloody tired from not getting sleep that isn't fsked up! I hate waking up in the middle of the night. I hate that it takes me forever to fall asleep just to wake up in the middle of the night!

I hate this ringing in my ears and this sort of disconnected feeling that rushes through me at times.
I was at Wal*Mart last night with the youngest and the ex (who is, I guess out of here in 10 days. Woah...) and I stood in an aisle and just looked around. I felt like I was playing one of those first person shooter games? Where you're supposed to feel like your there but you know you're not because you are staring at a TV screen or computer screen? Yeah... basically that was how I felt. It's complete and total ass. :(

I've noticed a direct relationship to feeling insanely tweaky and nervous and not eating enough. Yesterday, was a really awful day for me as far as how I was feeling went. I had breakfast (300 calories) when I woke up at, oh 11... and then we were out doing errands and come 4ish? PM I was just.. out of it, completely freaking out internally over nothing at all and I wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry hysterically. I felt better once we got me something to eat, but I still felt a little off..

I don't like how my chest has been feeling lately. I really don't. It's been more than a week and I feel somewhat better than I first did but I really don't even know how I am supposed to feel?!  When you've been depressed for so long how do you even know if you're feeling good or not??? Where does the depression end and I begin??

Blech. I'm feeling all jittery again..

on a totally unrelated topic..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!! The little neighbor boy just invited us over to watch the super bowl with them! Unfortunately we can't really do that, since we have to go get the oldest three from the ex-husband and all that... Still. It's completely aww worthy right there! I've never ever been invited to the super bowl! I'm so... socially... left behind?
Still, such a sweet thought! I feel better just having been invited. :)

Well, I better go stress over what I am going to do for my final project for class. It's due on Friday so.... I still have no idea what I should do at all! >.< Maybe I should ask my teacher for any idea's she may have. As I am drawing a complete and total disgusting blank. Shit..


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