I guess I forgot

That I actually can drive rather well in the snow.
I woke up this morning at 8:09 and gasped! "Kids! we're gonna be!!..... Oh.. wait.. It's Monday.. Nevermind!" Then I went back to sleep. None of them were awake yet.
Monday, the girls don't start until 10:00, which means we still had time.
9:00 AM rolled around and I prepped myself to face the snowy wasteland that is my driveway, -_-;

Myaahh..

Edited up my drawings for class, took a bit but I think the edits do make them look better overall.
I still have that assignment due tomorrow that I haven't touched. But it's technically only 50min worth of work.

EX is going to be my model again, so I get to do them after he's off work. I may practice some random ones of the kids. Just so I can get better at drawing in under a minute. I actually need to draw 9 drawings in under a minute.

Slowly yet surely...

BF has left his down on a Train for Sydney. As of a few hours ago actually. We're texting a little on hit journey, but a few spots along the way he has no signal on his mobile.
I'm nervous with him gone like this, sure I can still contact him, but I am nervous with him being away.

Trying not to stress it

My grades for last week came in slowly last night. The first assignment was only worth 10pts, I got all 10. That was easy enough, if I'd not done well at an Autobiography post then I'd be worried for myself.
Assignment two wasn't graded right off the bat, it's worth 100 pts..
Assignment three, was also worth 100 points. I got a 90/100. Yikes, I cringed at the grade. I'd never done gesture drawings (all under 4 minutes) of people before! Let alone with live models (for five of them) or pictures of nude models (for the first five). So, I guess maybe it wasn't too bad. Yet the overall score was what hit me hardest. 90.91%... A-.. A-... I tried not to hyperventilate. I have the rest of the class to pick that up right? Right?! I had to sit here and breathe, slowly, for a good 15-20 minutes not to break down, start crying, and declare I was just going to quit.

I made it through alright.
I got the grade for assignment 2 this morning. 95/100. Not too bad at all, considering I rarely draw people from life and it's usually just from my head (thank goodness I want to draw cartoon characters, they don't need perfection like this. @_@;; ). The best part is that it brought my grade up to a 92.86%. That's an A! Sure a low one, but it's an A! Enough to keep my 4.0 if I can keep getting decent grades on at least half of my assignments. *shudder*

An A for my school is 92%-100%. My usual, goal is 100%.. no matter what. But I knew there was no way that I would manage it in this class. Oh man... An A- is 90%-91.9% *sigh*

I don't want to go down there. My goal is to graduate, despite everything else, with that 4.0. It's my goal as part of my... well trying not to give up and suck at things like I do with most other things. You know? I know that when I only go 1/2 to 3/4 time (in the winter, when my depression is even worse, I go to 1/2 time for my sanity. Spring and Summer I manage 3/4 time..) that I don't get on honor roll with that 4.0. It's for me, really.. and what little ego I have.

Blech!

My assignment that was due today was hellishly difficult. More so considering I've never attempt to draw this before.
I had to draw two skeleton drawings. One front, one back, using proper proportion and detailing. @_@;
Then I had to draw two human  muscular system drawings, one front and one back, proper proportion and detailing. I hope I get at least a 93% on the assignment.. more would be nice, but I am questionable on if I'll even manage that. *sigh*

You want to see?

No?
Well, sorry I'm showing anyway. >.>

These took, a fair few hours. Though the back muscular drawing probably only took 1 1/2  hours actually. The front took awhile, and the skeletons took about 3 1/2 - 4 hours each? o.o

I'm also absolutely awful at photographing my artwork. >.> I don't have the proper sized scanner for 11 x 14 inch drawing paper. I also haven't made it out of the house since Wednesday. Otherwise, I'd have gone to Kinko's or something so they could scan it and charge me like $1 a pic.. >.> *ahem*

I still don't know. I thought I'd do better on the gestural drawings last week. So I'm just nervous all around on what is going to happen to me grade wise despite my best efforts you know?

Due Monday, some more gestural sketches. Though two with 1 minute time limits, two with 3 minute time limits, and two with 15 minute time limits which means I get more detail  in. o.O okie dokie.

*sigh*
Super duper stressed. I've posted the drawings. I suppose I could have worked on them up until the last minute, but sometimes I overwork things (drawings) and then I completely ruin them entirely. Which would mean I'd just have to redo one of them. I don't have the time for that. I've been drawing so much and hunched over my drawing pad that my back and shoulders are absolutely killing me. Once the kids are in bed, I am going to go take a nice long hot shower and set my shower head to the massage setting and let it attempt to pound away some of this stress.

Tomorrow, BF leaves for Sydney. After an overnight there, he'll be leaving there for here come the 1st. He'll arrive here on my 1st. Even though he'll have been flying for a long time. Poor guy. All this effort for me and I don't even think I'm worth it.

My birthday is in a week. That's why he's coming.
I don't want to get another year older. I'm not ready for that yet. >.> Can time stop while I fix my issues please? Everything else just freeze while everyone suffering BPD gets as long as they need to fix their issues? Okay okay, that's selfish. I can admit that it's completely selfish.

Right now, the poor dear is at work, working his last shift before his vacation to come here.

He'll be faced with tons of snow. It still wont go away. My poor poor Aussie..

*sigh*

I want coffee. :P

-Shattered

Oh man...

Yesterday was indeed a snow day. My van is still buried as is my half of the shared driveway with the neighbors duplex. *sigh*

I was too nauseated and dizzy yesterday from starting Cymbalta to want to deal with the continuing snow and wind to go out there and shovel. I promised myself I'd do it after the kids went to bed, but the temperatures dropped quickly and the wind was faster. It was a "feels like -15*F" this morning, and though it'd have been nice if I cold have made it out there to brave getting myself unstuck.. I just couldn't. I'm suffering from the side effects of just starting the Cymbalta, the oldest woke up with stomach pains, and I just could not face going outside. I guess the school was freezing inside too. That's what the office lady said when I called the kids in. Yes, they've only gone one day this week.

A Blizzard Warning!? and.. the Turkey Gang.

Oh man oh man is it official that myself nor my kids are leaving this house tomorrow! There is a blizzard warning until noon with less than a quarter mile visibility at times expected.
Ummm... Nope. Not doing that jazz. -_-;;

If they don't close the schools on their own for this, I officially have to wonder about the people who makes the decisions on these things. You know?

---

Feh~!

The medicine dance

I'm caught up within it.

Now I am to go off Wellbutrin and get to start on Cymbalta, 30mg. Blah.
I guess it's an SNRI? Which is different than an SSRI? She's guessing because other SSRI's haven't really done the best with me, that I need something different. Ugh...

A downward spiral

That's what yesterday was.
I helped the EX move some of the last of his stuff, I drew him for class.
Ended up getting nothing but negative remarks from an already pretty mean teacher by the way, and today was lucky enough to change to a different teacher.. Now, I just can't get into class.


Fun?

Misunderstood.

He's still not moved out.
Even with all the help I gave him yesterday. Helping him find a new mattress and foundation set to buy (he was going to buy it the day before a big sale, and would have spent a good $250 more on the set he got!), helping him move said mattress and foundation. Helping him buy himself new clothes. Helping him shop for groceries.

All in all, we left the house here at 10:50 AM yesterday, and weren't finished with errands he needed done until about 4:45 when we had to head straight out of town to go get the oldest three from my ex-husband.

"Compassion"

I have, unfortunately, in my pursuit of finding more information and ideas for how to cope/treat my BPD. Found fare more negativity than positivity.
More hate, than compassion.
More hopelessness than hope.

On BPD.About.com there is an article about compassion.
About how much hate and anger there is towards people suffering this horrible mental illness.

I, after reading it and a fair few comments out of the 124 comments... was compelled to add in one of my own.

Just incapable.

Okay, perhaps I am not doing well on the Wellbutrin?
Is it supposed to make it so I desire to do things??
As I don't desire to do much more than lounge in my bed today, here on my laptop.
I don't want to clean house. The dishes should do themselves, laundry should fold itself, the vacuum should run itself when I am not here because the noise already hurts my constantly ringing ears.

I'm bored, I'm boring, I'm lazy. I have no idea what I am anymore. I'm struggling just to draw, or do anything pleasurable.

Reasons why I should(n't) leave school..

I shouldn't because of things like this:

Will the drama ever stop?

I swear, at times the EX is more of a childish brat than I can be!
On Thursdays, he goes to school until after 9. Sometimes 9:30. Since he currently lives here I let the kids stay up, yes, on a school night until he's home. Even though their bedtime is 8:30 since we have to wake up at 7:25 just to get out the door on time to get the oldest two to school.

So he asks "So when I move out, can I still come over after school on Thursday nights to give them love for bed?"

"No, because I'd like to finally get them back on their schedule."

"What schedule?! They've been going to bed late the past few nights anyway!"
(Speaking of the devil, he just called as I was mid-writing that^.)

"Yeah, I've had a rough week, but it drives me crazy when I can't get them to bed when they should be."


"So? When did they get to bed last night? 9?!"

"Yeah, about there, but yesterday was one of those days that was really off. Still, you KNOW that I try and keep their bedtime 8:30. I've just been letting them wait up for you as you've lived here and it's just easier not to deal with the problems that would come with me putting them to bed before you got home."

"So, you've only been keeping them up when I'm at school because of me?"

"Yeah?"

"But I've told you you could put them to bed!"

"Yeah, You have, but I also know what would happen if I did."

"Whatever lady, just, wow, they don't even HAVE a schedule because you don't always get them to bed at 8:30!"

"Yeah, I know, it doesn't always happen the way I want. I try, but that doesn't mean it's going to. But I don't need your shit about this."

"Wow lady, just, I'll talk to you when I get home."

"Yeah, okay, whatever." and I hung up.

Geez, why do I bother trying to do 'nice' things?! Fsk you! Okay guy? Just FSK you! Only one of them is biologically your kid. You don't treat any of them all that way in the first place, you treat my son like crap, and don't even want visitation of our daughter ALONE. You say yeah I DO need a break since I get none, but don't want visitation? Okay. Not my fault you don't want anything to do with her unless I'm there. Not MY fault that she isn't used to time with just the two of you. You know WHO'S fault that is? Yeah, yours! You have days off. You have times when the oldest kids are gone and it's just been you, her, and I. Yet you don't even run an errand with her solo.

I'm with her solo 5 (now technically four since he only works four days a week..), er 4 days a week from 12:30 - 3:30 aside from Friday where it's 12:30 - 2. Even then. On the weekends when you are off work you don't even want to go out and run errands. You know, the ones you want done for yourself that you ask me to go and do? So you can sit around and play video games and yell at people in your headset?

Our daughter can't handle being alone with you because you haven't done it. You haven't. I'm not allowed to run solo errands when it's just been us three unless I do it late at night. You harassed me like crazy when I'd go to Karaoke ONCE a week when BF was in town, even though I waited UNTIL the kids were sleeping. Fed, showered, homework done, just so that YOU didn't have to do anything more than eat the dinner I prepared, and come downstairs and give the kids good night love.

Oh, well of course you also liked to yell, and complain, and act like they were totally just the worst kids ever when they don't want to listen to your BS.

Of course I couldn't even go shopping at Wal*Mart at 9:30 at night after all of that when BF was here without you calling me every 10-15 minutes. Holy shit dude, Wal*mart is roughly a 15 minute drive from here, IF traffic lights are agreeable. You know?
Wal*Mart is a HUGE store. It takes awhile to get through there, to compare prices, to shop, to use the bathroom. To stop to have to listen to your venom filled dramatic bullshit about how if you EVER saw BF you'd STAB HIM IN THE FACE.

So, fsk you, so hard, with something spiked and metal with hot sauce on it or something. You made my life so miserable when he was here before, and you never had to deal with him! You made very well sure that I couldn't enjoy any time alone with him without you acting like a total dickwad.

So no, you cannot come over to MY house at 9:15-9:40 at night on a Thursday. Which are typically SCHOOL NIGHTS ASIDE from this week! Just to say goodnight to all the kids. You can call before you go, and tell them whatever. But I am so tired of my peace and attempted schedule being tossed out of the window to meet YOUR whims.

The waiting for you to be done with some level, or some fight, or something just to get the kids actually loved and in bed. Because heaven forbid I go down there and do it first, because even if I tell them you'll be down there in the second. Leave the lights on, leave the doors open, you'll REFUSE them seeing you before bed just because HOW DARE I go down there and get my portion done with without waiting for you to be right there?

Suck it, I don't know what you should suck, but it should be something disgusting. Something that seeps out all the hate, anger, heart break, drama, and disgusting feelings you've shoved at me just trying to deal with you.

Also, stop the dramatic BS. You make well over our states minimum wage. Your apartment is $400 a month with ALL utilities (other than your internet) paid. You just bought a $740 laptop, a $110ish pocketknife, are considering buying yourself an iTouch. If you end up living in your van it's because you are a selfish douchebag and have spent too much on crap you don't need. So get over yourself already. You got your massive $5300ish tax refund because you lived here with our daughter and got EIC for her. Okay? Shut up.

Don't even GET STARTED at me on how much YOU are going to suffer when I am the one with the $850 rent, with the added electricity bill as well. Okay? With my crummy old car that needs repaired badly that I'm afraid to fix because heaven forbid I actually need every last inch of my $2000 to make sure I can afford rent and bills for a few months. Suck it. Okay? Just suck it already.  What you've spent on a laptop and pocketknife alone would pay the rent here for a month, yet you just toss it away like it's nothing. How wonderful for you that you get all that extra money for being here with our daughter the past year. Now shut up.

Also, returning the candy I got you because I saw it and knew you'd like it? What the flying shit? You ate half and then tossed the bag on my desk. "I can't accept it, I'll have you find a way to pay you back." Holy fsking shit. Really? I mean REALLY really? I bought you that as a thank you for trying to be nice and helpful with how hard things have been for me mentally. But you're going to throw it back at me like this? Kiss my ass, get some counseling, because you've got massive issues too and you aren't trying to do anything about it other than continue on this way.

I'm so over it. If I could afford it I'd get a restraining order on you aside from when it comes to seeing her. Because I can't take it anymore. I can't take you being a dick one moment, and then trying to fondle me, and have sex with me the next. I can't do it. I can't rightly fix myself while you're fsking with my head like this!

Also, no, I don't want to do dinner and a movie with you just to come back home and "have a good evening". Because I know you're wanting to have sex, and you know that I am going to find a way around it. Even if I have to fake stomach cramps again, and go hide in the bathroom and make noises to fake you out again. I'd rather just not do it at all. As nice as the dinner sounds, that's the only part I'd really WANT to do.

Also, I doubt you'd actually 'just take youngest' to a movie instead. Okay? You can't even take her solo to pick up things from any grocery store. So, don't start that with me anymore. Because I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and having you heap guilt at me for not wanting to be your little sex fling because no one else in town wants to deal with your unshowered, unshaven, miserable self. I can't deal with your misery, when I am trying to fix all of the misery I have inside right now.Find another victim.

Also, offering to be my model for my drawing and then moving every 30 seconds when I am supposed to be doing a figure drawing? Lame and immature. So is getting mad at me when I say it's not going to work, thank you for trying anyway, and then look for a stock photo or figure drawing pose software to use. Because at least those hold still. Okay? That's just, I don't even want to feel bad about it yet the way you sigh and act like I just totally disregarded you, because you couldn't even hold still for my rough sketch before I tried the real one. It's, crazy, it's stupid, it's not helpful at all. Also, stop getting all depressed when you look at the drawings and give that 'gee thanks' to me. It's not MY fault that you ARE indeed overweight, have moobs, and what looks like a starting beer gut even though you don't drink beer.

If I can lose weight, and have that control, over the past year now? You can do it too. You just don't want to. You gave up again, even though I was helping you and everything. Not my fault, it's yours. Stop projecting your misery onto me.

Got it?

No, he'll never read this. Thank goodness, because there'd be no end to his pissy drama then.

I wonder what mental illness he has with all his BS? Or if he's just a miserable jerk in general and there's no hope for him anyway? How on earth do you cut someone like that mostly out of your live to avoid the dramatic crap?

*sigh*

-----------

On a happier note, Trazadone helped me sleep, I only took half of one but I woke up hung over. I still feel kind of crappy too. Tonight I will try the 1/4 like R suggested that perhaps I try. I didn't wake up through the night, once the stuff hit I was asleep in practically no time. It was glorious.

But the hangover sucks. Considering I've only been dumb enough to drink myself to having one, once, my entire life ever. And swore I never wanted to feel that feeling again. I can't very well live like this daily. I'd rather just get OTC sleep meds than deal with a daily hangover. Life requires me to function at least SOMEWHAT. You know?

Another Medication....

I saw R today. She's the one who over looks my medication.
I dunno how I feel about another medication. She's not sure if I'm okay on the Wellbutrin? I mean. I don't feel the same as I did before I was on it, but I still feel all empty, lonely, useless, tired of everything. Not like.. tired tired.. no energy tired. Just a general "I can't do this anymore" type feeling.

As insanely obvious that was from my last entry right?

Anyway. I told her that my sleep is worse now. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, unless I take Tylenol PM or something meant to help me sleep, and even then sometimes.

I fail at life.

Extremely. Disgustingly. Fail. At. Life.

I had to run out mid-writing the last entry and pick up the EX from school. I had his van because I was helping him move, and then we had to get the kids from my Grandma's.  I ran to the store and got lunch for them as it was so late, and got him a sandwich. Didn't have the time to run me and the kids back home and drive back to school himself and just park there. So he drove there, got out, and I drove the kids and I home so they could eat and then it was time to rush my son to school.

Helping him move.

He didn't pack.
At all.
He spent an HOUR building his desk this morning at his new place, and none on packing the past 15 days. None.
We got his dresser, sans drawers moved.
I know that's not easy to move. But we've you've been threatening to do it the majority of the past 13.5 months.

When you've paid the deposit, paid the first months rent, bought yourself furniture. A new gaming laptop. A leathermans, and keep talking about everything you're getting yourself with the MASSIVE TAX REFUND you got for getting to claim our daughter and get her EIC.. While... what? I sit here wondering how I am going to make ends meet...

Shut up. Just do it. Stop the treats. Stop the talk. Walk the walk and just do it. Because I have to process it and you going on so much about it for so long.

Stabs me so damn much inside.

I have to help him because of course if I don't 1.) he's here longer 2.) I'll never hear the end of it 3.) he'll become and general jerk to me and the kids, and 4.) No one else will....


----This entry ended when I had to run off to get EX from school. I'll write another entry on what happened AFTER all of that.----

Hold me.

"and I'll be out by Wednesday night,"

"What, you mean tomorrow night?" I tried to keep my voice even, my outer appearance neutral. Inside the adrenaline rushed, the tears were being choked back, my heart started alternating between rushing and freezing up entirely.

"Yeah, I'll be sleeping at my new place."

Why does it...

Seems like no matter how much weight I lose I'm still disgustingly fat?

Today at Wal-Mart they had all their Valentines Day stuff on clearance. Rather deeply on clearance for certain things. Like the pretty Valentines Day Chemise's that I was eying a couple weeks ago? $1.75, EACH. Oh yeah, I don't feel AS guilty when I buy myself something on clearance.

I mean, I still feel some measure of guilt, some measure of sick to my stomach that I 'wasted' money on my (worthless) self. But.. Yeah. They also, and I'm facepalming myself here, had the kids pajama pants on sale for $1.25 a pair. I paid $9 each yesterday. Awww fsk me backwards. I know they wont change it, I won't go and ask them to change it. Though really, $5 for four pairs as compared to $36 for four pairs, would have been MUCH nicer on my poor bank account.

Too much thinking, Holidays are painful.

This is actually stuff I'd written in the last entry, which was going far too insanely long. I figured it'd be just easier to make two entries.
(I don't need to write a blog, I need to write a novel with how much I write sometimes. Yikes!)
On a completely unrelated topic.

Yesterday sucked, I had to struggle with the telling BF that no, no I didn't like what he got me. Which was two boxes of chocolates from a brand that I don't particularly like, and have chocolates with a gooey fruity filling which I absolutely cannot stand.
It's not as though he does not know what I do not like when it comes to chocolates. I mean I've made enough shopping lists, and we've had enough conversations about likes and dislikes that. Once I told him, he realized, and actually admitted to not fully reading the product description.

Been quiet.

Because I'm struggling a lot lately.
When I'm not depressed my emotions are even worse! Just so much worse!
I finished one chapter in the DBT book and I used some of the distraction stuff to make it through a shopping trip yesterday and then one today. Without, you know, snapping and yelling and getting in faces and generally just being pissed off. I HATE THIS.

THIS is why I'd rather be Bi-polar! At least then I'd have times where I'm manic and happy and it wouldn't be this drop of the hat bullshit!

Today was supposed to be rain.
I was okay with that.
I woke up to snow and I cried, I cried and I cried and my sleep is terrible and I HATE It.
I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning!

AT ALL!

I hated that I had to, I looked out the window and cried, and just couldn't stop myself from saying, "I just can't do this anymore, I hate living so far North. I hate winter, I hate snow, I hate it, I feel terrible when the snow comes!"

It's true, I can handle the rain, the wind, the hail, the blazing hot sunshine... but I cannot stand the snow.

Why? I'm guessing it was the winters without a proper jacket, and gloves.
The winters with no snow boots, soaked wet and frozen feet through a school day, and torn shoes filled with dirty mud and the pain of cold feet. I was miserable, and no one noticed. No one cared at all.
Not at home, not at school, none of my friends knew the worst of it.

No one ever gave a damn.

------------
I suffered... managed... through the 'day before Valentines Day' lunch at PizzaHut. Far too many people and I had to bring my anxiety meds and take TWO of them just to manage. Still, I only managed a slice.

I left while everyone was still in mid conversation over my little brother's bitchy soon to be ex-wife.
The moment we drove away I got this feeling, "the topic of conversation probably turned to talking about how awful I am."

I admitted that to my mom later, and she said "naw, we just continued to talk about how bitchy S is." Okay, I'll take it for that.

During the lunch the conversation took to everyone talking about how 'bad' they were as kids. Or really, I didn't discuss myself, but yeah...

Mom said that her biggest failure was 'probably' my youngest sister, before saying sarcastically 'oh there's NO WAY it could be J' .. J being my oldest sister. Which of course is actually her biggest failure is what she meant.

My brother was stoned, yes stoned, at the lunch. *sigh*

Mom went on to talk about how I was 'always so whiny'. I wasn't actually too bad until my bio-dad was thrown in jail, I was forced to move from everything and everyone I ever cared about.. thrown into one shitty situation after another, and then basically abandoned by her too. Sure, I mean I was always the sensitive kid. Then again, I'm a Pisces (I do believe in astrology.) and we tend to be sensitive folk anyway.

I wasn't as bad THEN as I am now. Though the way I am now is different than who I was as a kid.

By 10 1/2 or 11 (someplace around this age...) I was making, and taking myself to, my own doctors appointments. I was making and taking my youngest two siblings to theirs at times too.

By 12, I was making and taking myself to dentist appointments, and doing the same for my brother. I don't recall my younger sister going to the dentist much at all.

Here is a giant problem with all of that?
I am TERRIFIED of needles, extremely terrified of needles. Stemming from a badly done blood draw when I was younger in which the person taking it slipped, and the needle tore some skin. My inner elbow (elbow pit?) bruised badly and was swollen to the unbendable point for over a week.

I was also afraid of the dentist. Needles in my mouth! Needles IN MY MOUTH.
Alone.
All alone.
We could afford a bus trip up there, but had to walk home, across town.. busy streets. Myself and my brother who is 3 years younger than me.

It was not the way to be you know?
At 10 I walked over a mile to school sometimes, alone, across busy streets and bad things. Or home, depending. It didn't matter anyway. No one was ever there when we woke up.
For a time my younger sister was in pre-school, a chance the rest of us actually never got.
So mom would be home from oh, what? 3 or 4 am? Then disappear without a trace in the morning with the youngest.

It'd be me, and my brother, left alone to get ready for school. Of course, despite being on food assistance from the state, we never had enough food. We had to be hungry and hope that the school bus got to school with enough time for us to chow down on breakfast which we were lucky to get free from the school.
Sometimes, all we managed was that free breakfast and lunch. Maybe some plain rice for dinner. One month, that was what we had. Plain rice, after we ran out of season salt. Maybe once or twice in there we had a can of vegetables though.
-------------

When I was in 5th grade, so 10 going on 11. No one cared about my birthday.
My mom wasn't home, my oldest sister was off sleeping with some guy for attention, my younger siblings were at friends houses. It was a weekend, and I had a friend over.
I had so few friends. No one wanted to come over to the poor girls house. It was downtown in a cramped little apartment and no like was allowed to go there for the most part.

So, my best friend in the entire world was over. At this point, I'd never tried to make a cake before, but no one bought me a cake and no one had even so much as called to say Happy Birthday, as far as family had gone.

Our apartment was cluttered, messy, despite my trying as hard as my young age with the number of kids and lack of space would allow. The place never felt good enough. There was wall to wall carpet in EVERY room aside from the kitchen. Yes, that includes the bathroom. What idiot decided that a bathroom needed full carpeting I'll never ever know, but I wish I could find him ask him what he was thinking?!
Anyway.. that wasn't the point I'm trying to get to.

So there we were, two 10 years olds, well okay I had just turned 11, but she was 10. Making our first cake, from scratch, without really understanding that if you don't have the right sized cake pan (it was an inch off I guess, but it had no noticeable numbers as it had been removed by age or something?) that you DO NOT put all of the batter you've made in it.

Can you see where this is going?

The batter had tasted good! We'd tasted it with our fingers after all, licking the bowl after we'd put the cake in the oven...

So we were excited to see how it was going to be, it smelled good too, until, somehow, suddenly there was smoke coming from the kitchen. Not steam, SMOKE! I went to check what was going on, only to open the door to a FIRE in the oven. Yes, there in the electric oven was a fire, burning over flooded cake batter. I had NO idea what to do! I turned off the oven, and was trying so hard not to cry! I couldn't get a hold of my mom, she was off someplace and would have been angry if I'd actually managed TO get a hold of her.

So my friend calls up her mom, and says. Can you imagine your 10 year old calling you to say this...?
"Mommy, how do you put out an oven fire?"

Her exact words, I remember them to this day! Her mom was, understandably, a bit freaked out and upset to realize this was happening. But told us to throw baking soda on it and not turn the oven back on until it could be cleaned out.

We managed to do that, got the fire under control (it wasn't a fire big enough to ruin the oven, but any oven fire at 10/just 11 is scary stuff!), and I cleaned out the oven, and finished cooking the cake. At that point, it hadn't really had anymore that could spill over the edges.

Before the cake finished my friend's mother arrived, a store bought cake in hand that she even had the bakery write on it Happy Birthday (my name). She even knew, what type of cake I did and didn't like. Chocolate cake with a cream/frosting filling. No fruity stuff inside please.

This is something my mom doesn't still know by the way.

How sad is it, that my own mother couldn't be bother to rescue us from the oven fire? That she didn't even care afterward? My friends mother was hurt for me and bought me a cake, because she had no idea that no one at all was at home with the two of us. That she couldn't even be bothered to by even a $5 bakery cake and have the staff at the store slap on a quick happy birthday message?

I didn't even care to want/expect presents at that point. Just wanted them to give a damn. Just wanted them there, even just that small cake, something, the birthday song. Some sort of love and care.

But I was yet again abandoned.

The original cake, by the way ended up delicious. Though I failed at making a successful chocolate powdered sugar frosting, and it turned out more of a thin glaze. Still, it was delicious and when I took some to school with me the next day to have with lunch. I shared some bites with some people and they were amazed that I'd made it myself. One of my rare ego boosts back in the day.

*sigh*

Oh well...

I remain...
-Shattered who... maybe someday should give some sort of normal name... if not my real one.

I'm not going

and you can't very well make me!

I was going to just give in and go to the crummy day before Valentines 'family' lunch BS mom was trying to put together. Do I particularly want to be put in a family situation with them all again? Hmmmm, nope, nope not really at all. Still, I haven't seen dad (technically 'step' but he and my grandma *his mom* are the best family I've got.. Well aside from my sisters from him. They're good too.) , Since November. So.. I wanted to just try and be there to at least see him. *sigh*

I feel like I

Should apologize for my post last night.
Like I shouldn't have written it. Shouldn't have shared it.
I've set my blog to have the 'adult' warning, just in case anything I write is too much for anyone to take.

I'm sorry about that.

I can (pretend that I can) take care of...

...practically everything/one else.
But who's going to take care of me?

That's what I want and need right now. Someone to love me, hold me, stroke my hair, wrap their arms around me and whisper that it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay...

Be there at my side when I get overwhelmed at the thought of having to go through a large grocery shopping trip. Urge me out of bed in the morning because getting out of bed is hard again. Sit with me during quiet times late at night so I'm not alone... Nudge me into doing the things I need to do because once I get overwhelmed like this, everything starts to fall apart at the seams!

I'm scared...

EX's moving date keeps changing so drastically.
As much as I do want him gone, I'm afraid of having him gone.

He was originally going to move out at the end of the month, then it was the beginning, then it was the middle, then not until mid March, then the end of Feb again, then the beginning, then the 15/16, and now it may be "this weekend."

Lazy Morning.

I didn't post yesterday because my sleep the night before was horrid. I was much too tired to get out decent thoughts and was actually not upset that BF got called into work because I went to bed at 9:20PM. Me?? The person who usually goes to sleep around/past midnight, went to bed at 9:20!

Of course, I took Tylenol PM to help me sleep. I slept until 2:15AM when I heard my son crying from a foot cramp. Which he gets when he's cold. Of course, at 5 1/2 he just wont come and get me so I can make it better. Nope, he has to cry and wake me up in the most unhappy way possible. *sigh* So I rubbed out his cramp, covered him back up (this wouldn't happen if he'd wear socks to bed. He knows this, I know this. He'll listen someday...) and laid back down. Took another 20 minutes to fall back asleep...

Huh...

I'm starting to get used to the medication more.
Though I'm also starting to go deaf I think? I'm having a harder time hearing the louder this ringing gets.

I got coffee earlier, and made sure it was Decaf... I noticed though, a direct link between extreme stress and the ringing in my head.

Stress #1, oldest comes home from school today after her choir practice. "My book report is due tomorrow."

"What do you mean, tomorrow? What one?" I say, not liking where this is going already.

Not sure if this is normal?

I'm having a really hard time getting out of bed again.
Then again it's taken me forever to fall asleep, and I've been waking up at night far too often.
This morning, I woke to my alarm after 4.5 hours of sleep, managed to get a pill out of my bottle, rolled over.. and really DID mean to get out of bed.... But I fell asleep with the pill in hand. Woke up with a start 10 minutes later and it wasn't there anymore!! Ah!

So in my panic I went bolt upright and had to hunt for it. Somehow it managed to be just under one of my pillows. I don't get it.

Let it out...

After taking my son to school, the youngest and I went to pick up some things for BF for Valentines day. There is no way they'll make it to him in time, not considering that the postal service is slow unless you pay an obscene amount for shipping. Which, at this moment I cannot afford to do. :(

Still, I got him things that the youngest helped me to pick out. She still wants to get him something more too, so I'll have to get out of the house with her tomorrow and get him what she wants to do. Then we'll have to send him a lovely package with stuff and love! <3

Oh make it stop already!!

I'm tired of the headaches right behind my eyes even if I wear my glasses which I don't like and which are old but I can't afford to get new ones!!

I'm tired of being so nauseated that I think oh maybe I'm hungry? When I can't even tell if I am or am not and even when I eat.. Ugh! I've had breakfast, I took all my meds/vitamins that I have. Wellbutrin, Zinc, Vitamin D, and Fish Oil.

I feel...

Sick. Blech.

My ears are all stuffy feeling and I am hating this ringing with a burning passion.
I've been a bit grumpy today because my sleep has sucked and my appetite really isn't there so I just eat because I forget that I've eaten and I am eating way more than I want to eat. I'm never going to lose this last 23 pounds if I keep this crap up! Geez!

Not a bad day.

I'm feeling a bit better, maybe a little out of sorts and tired, but better.
My sleep was pretty awful last night, I woke up a lot of times last night and it really pretty much sucked.

I got a car repair done today, which really improved my mood and was uplifting!
Had coffee! How could I resist a Frappucino? Yummy! <3

Got rent paid, got to go therapy today and JW gave me a pretty necklace!

Actually it was HER necklace, and she made it.
She brought up a story, about dealing with 'being in someone elses  business' about how she was sitting at her table making necklaces. Then said she made the one she was wearing and I had said "wow really?" she asked if I liked it and yeah I said I was going to ask if she'd made it because it was beautiful!

Now, before, in therapy she's mentioned that she likes to make necklaces but only as fun and she's not very good and sometimes she can spend hours working around with beads and still end up with nothing. I'd said to her, that, even just being able to spend hours before she came up with anything at all was still good. She was still talented and even just playing around to come up with something was indeed being crafty!

Anyway, after I said that, she reaches up and asked if I wanted it!?

So, I said "Oh no, I mean... wait... really? Thank you..wow"

Or really something very similar, because I was shocked. I didn't want her to think I wanted it or anything! "If you hadn't of made it... I was going to ask where you got it, because of how pretty it is" really.. I thought she either bought it or made it, just in case yanno? so I could look into getting one similar or something. >.>

Anyway, she says she really makes her necklaces and tends to only want to wear them once. Like how when you do artistic things somethings you just do it when you're really emotional and when it's all over with and done. It's done, you don't need it, it's all out. So you sell it, burn it, throw it away, store it someplace. Something like that, it's done, it's out, the emotions and whatever you needed to make it for.. are all done.

So, I'm wearing it now. I didn't wear it for the appointment, because I had my own on..and I wanted to touch at it, marvel at it.

She says she'll probably make a silver one next time and I said, yeah. That's a good idea, silver is pretty and I'm sure you could do something just as beautiful with it too.

In other news.. we'll be starting with Dialectical Behavior Therapy... I have to get a workbook though she did give me a print out of some stuff I can do as homework, plus another one about being only in my business and not being in anyone elses because if I was too busy in someone elses business who would take care of my own? Of course I have to be in my kids business to some extent.. So ... no absolute statement... yep..

Oh! Here's a picture of it! Sorry it's not the best, I took it with my cellphone.

Well, I'm going to go check in on school things, brush my teeth, maybe look into my homework that I need done for Friday... Not sure what else, I am kind of tired after all.

Have a good night!

~Shattered

Meds

I am not sure I like them. I had to go in today and get some meds to go on top of the Wellbutrin to help with the anxiety issues I was having.
Still, I have this ringing in my ears problem which is one of those 'rare' side affects and I HATE IT SO MUCH BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN LOUD!!

Yes, I DID mean to yell because I am that annoyed with it. :(