01 May, 2011

Want to be done.

Last night it seemed to be a sign.
TV was playing with my mind and beating me in the face! It was all going well enough, just minding my own business and there it was. What was might you ask? I was doing good watching random TV mostly. Untold Stories of the ER and stuff like that. Fascinating stuff that fuels those worst case scenarios and helps me cope somehow by focusing my inner pain towards myself into feeling pain and feelings for the stories I am watching. You know?

That stuff is eventually done and some crap show is on so I change the channel. Hmm okay, House is on. Bitchin!
Guess what episode of house? The one where the lady freaking dies from.. A STAPH INFECTION! The same thing BF was just in the hospital for for.. how many days?! Exactly the episode that had been in my head while he was in there. The what if that haunted me. What if something else happened? What if they mess up? What if they kill him by mistake like this lady?!

So it was somewhat better feeling when it was over and I realized that BF is out of the hospital and he's actually okay and took his last antibiotic so he's not really going to die even though really he could die so easily and there are so many terrible dangerous things in the world that for all I know someone can shoot up someone outside in the street and it can accidentally go into his window because he lives above a shop in a downtown area and what if?!

Next was Law and Order: CI (Criminal Intent)... Next thing you know, one of the criminals is... "A borderline". Great, so this lady is absolutely FUCKING PSYCHO! I am thinking more Sociopath than anything else. Who knows, but one of the cops described a Borderline and even said the words and the lady was psycho. Helped her boyfriend prey on girls, boyfriend raped em, killed em, and then she prettied them up and dressed them like whores before dumping them. The lady was a nurse who worked in a hospital (how many borderlines could actually handle this???) and the dude was an EMT or fireman for all I know but I know he was something like that..

Seriously, I watched only because I wanted to see how the hell the media was going to pull off the Borderline chick and I was agitated. We're not all psycho like that! Yes I realize we have our problems, but um.. we're not all going to kill people and blame them for our abandonment issues and dress up our boyfriends victims as whores and beg them to tell us we are bonded and shit like that.

Blah. I didn't like the feeling.

On top of the crushing disappointment that BF did not get selected for the DV. Okay, extremely panic inducing frustration that I am going to be alone because of it for who knows how long and there is no end in sight and I am surely going to die or I just need to give up and I cannot do anything anymore and I want to be done. I need to be... just.. I don't even know what to do anymore. With him so far away my support system is very small and my heart and soul was praying on him getting selected for this thing and it would have made at least ONE thing in our lives easy and the fact that it did not has made me very.,... sad and hurting. Like there is this never ending cold that is gripping at my insides and I just want to cry and die at the same time and I just want to say. Hey guys, please take the kids, i can't do anything anymore. I want to go be inpatient someplace and get better.

I saw this 60 day inpatient thing for Borderlines but fuck would you know it that it's like $950 a DAY! A DAY! It's a $57,000 thing. Holy crap. How would I ever get that kind of money? I know something like this would be insanely impossibly beneficial for me... but no.. I'm poor and therefore I just cannot do it.

I need to win the lottery and then get myself really taken care of badly. I want to finish school. I need to get BF here so that he can... help me... So that he can help with taking care of everything that I am do fucked up to handle right now before I surely do something absolutely stupid.

"Hold me now, I'm 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinkin.... Maybe 6 feet, aint so far down.."



  1. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but all I can say is my thoughts are with you. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Days like these suck and they happen to all of us unfortunately. Be kind to yourself.

  2. I know what you mean about TV/media hitting really close to home - just the other night I was watching something on Netflix about conspiracy theories and started completely freaking out. House is an *amazing* show, btw. Glad that your BF is getting better.

    As for that portray of borderlines - based on the way you've described it, it was completely inaccurate. As you mentioned, "sociopath" (aka Antisocial Personality Disorder) is a *MUCH* better fit. I *HATE* how the media misrepresents BPD (and other mental illnesses too). Totally not fair.

    I wish you all the best and really hope you can somehow get the help you so desperately want and need soon. I know it's a struggle and it sucks. Hang it there - it does get better. One day at a time... *hugs* Be well! :)