04 May, 2011

"I want you to pledge to me"

"That you'll be okay this next week, that you'll keep on the fight, and not look for anything on the internet at all that you can kill yourself with,"

I found out today, that my therapist, is a former sufferer from BPD as well. 25 years ago she was diagnosed with it, and fought the long fight to be the amazing woman doing so many things that she is doing today. She raised four kids, as a single mother, and made it through college and runs her practice/business with 30 employees and is doing all sorts of amazing things!!
She told me that it has been years since she told anyone that story, and I feel honored that she trusts me enough to tell me that.

SHE is my ray of hope right now, if she can do  it. If she can do it even when 25 years ago she was told that she'd be 'this way' FOR LIFE. That she is better, means that I can be better. That there is hope for me and that with years and trying and work and support.. I CAN get through all of this.

I cried, I told her what I did last Friday. I told her that I had searched for how to buy cyanide online. "How else do all these murderers get it?! How do they make it so easy?! I searched for over an hour and could not find a way to just buy it online! I just want to be done and give up!" I said, sitting on the couch, my arms curled around myself as I cried, yelling/crying out my words as I felt the awful pain inside flowing out through my mouth. I felt okay, I felt safe enough, to let her see this.

Not like with Dr. J, who eventually I was too guarded with, to the point where I had nothing much I wanted to get out. It was pain she didn't understand, it was things she couldn't understand, it was things that just weren't going to work.

I had to fill out paperwork today. It was scary, it was intimidating, I sat there listening to her speak. Nodding like a little girl listening to her parent, a mix between determination to try my best, and fear at this unknown playing out on my face as those feelings fought within me and behind my eyes. Before I filled it all out, and she told me that it was likely that my disability claim would be denied.

That she wants a copy of the report from the doctor I had to see, I guess I'll ask the Boise office for that. Since that is where it's at, and she wants me to keep one for myself too. Plus get ready for the chance that I may very well get denied by social security for any assistance. I'm not ready for it. I know it's extremely likely, but I am just not ready for it. The idea of a legal battle over this is extremely, heart stabbingly painful, and I just want to curl up and cry because of it.

I made it outside and let the kids play for an hour, which means our dinner was extremely late. But at least I actually cooked, which is something with how I've been lately...



  1. Good job on making dinner..! :)

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Small steps, sweetie. It's lovely to have someone inspiring in our lives like your doc - shows that recovery is possible YAY!!

  4. What an inspiration your therapist must be--she is inspirational to me just by hearing about her struggle and success. You're lucky to have her!