05 May, 2011

Thank you!

For everyone who comments. It feels good not to be alone in all of this!
It's hard, most days I feel cut off from the world despite having the internet right here and so easy to reach to. I feel so little connection with people at times, as if I am watching everything from behind a screen. Like I don't really exist in this world, it's all just a dream that I am watching everyone and everything.

Then reality crashes in on me with a weight that is oppressive and cold. Making it hard to breathe, making my insides tense, my stomach turn, my throat clench and my heart race.The moments where I sit here, or lay in bed, just laying there. Struggling from the weight of everything that feels as though it's sole purpose is to crush me under it's unbearable pressure. The times where I need some sort of physical pain to release all the inner things that make me want to break that pledge I made yesterday.

Dr. L, and my ex have suggested that I attempt to take a quarter off of school. Unwind. I've been pretty much GO GO GO with school since I started last April. Aside from the very short breaks we get (a week or two here and there.. is not really too much in the grand scheme of things I would have to say!) I've been pretty much wearing myself thin. The kids will be starting summer break by the time I am done with this quarter, and it would be 13 weeks or so to focus on myself, therapy and working on things without having the additional stress of homework piled on it.

Well, I don't know. I am afraid that if I stop "for a quarter" I will never want to go back." I've come this far, but stopping seems wrong. Then again, I am sure it's normal for some people to take a quarter off or just not even think about going during one quarter or another for some reason. I'm sure it's ... normal.

But.. I don't know. I am terrified of the idea. I am terrified of what will happen. What harm can come of it? I have no idea. I'm too afraid to call my adviser and ask.. I'm a wuss.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. I wish I did know. I wish I had more of an idea of what to do with myself. Blah...


1 comment:

  1. Making decisions this big I imagine would be very difficult. I recently decided that I would go back to work and that was a really big decision for me. I hope your decision comes soon and you can put it to rest. Be gentle with yourself.