03 May, 2011

Hard to be positive

When feeling so awful.
I am just, awful feeling.
I don't know of it's the meds not working right.
Or if I'm just going to be miserable even ON medication, but what gives?
I figure I will give it a full month on the 60MG before I tell the doctor, hey look.. this shit doesn't seem to be working.

But I can't help just feeling overwhelmed and done again. Nothing particularly awful has happened, I just feel done over. Buried! Stick a fork  in me and allow me to be done because I just cannot deal with the pressures of life right this second.

I am stressed, I feel sick, I don't want to wake up, maybe Cymbalta isn't for me.
I have no idea, I am just in a horrid place.

I want to do impatient. Give me a 60 inpatient at that one place, help me move past this crap. Help me do better than I am doing with once a week therapy and the medicine dance while mostly on my own because I am seriously drowning here and if I research how to get my hands on things that could kill me again I am going to  have to disconnect my internet!

What do I do at this point? I hurt inside and I want to get it out and the only way I've ever done that well is self harm and the hot shower just wasn't hot enough this morning to truly help  with how much.. I... am.. hurting inside right now and I don't even know why but I can't get it to stop!!


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