10 May, 2011

I appreciate it

Again, I want to say how I appreciate the comments I do get on my blog. I really feel less out of touch with the world when I am faced with comments from those suffering the same/similar as I am. It really does mean a ton to me to have that kind of support even if it is just a few people out there in the world who I may never meet. Though, I have to admit I would love to meet each and every one of you who reads this, or comments on all this. Just because I would feel great meeting face to face people who struggle the same.

I will look into cutting down the dose of my anxiety meds. I only take one when it's a simple trip, but I have to take two just to manage driving the freeway. I will cut it down to half for a simple trip, (I can actually manage shopping walmart on it though! or a walk outside!) though maybe it's that once it wears off if I am still in the place that would cause me anxiety is just creeps back up on me. I don't know. I will do the half and see how that helps.

I wish, medication just worked better.
I want that happy I love life and I love my kids and I love all this stuff feeling again.
I WANT the happy feelings I felt when I was a parent the first time around. I was great for a time, I really did pretty damn good aside from my depression but things started going down hill friend wise, relationship wise and I fell apart at the seams.

I want that happy feeling I felt. I really do. I want to have that hormonally blissful feeling that you get. The first year of my oldests life was the best time I've had being a parent. I mean, I was at my best. I had my shit together, I did fine. I really was an entirely different person all those years ago. Yet shit started to creep up about then. All the scars from my past. Even though I'd 'escaped' my past..

I had a break down today, after being stuck outside for over an hour and unwillingly forced to watch after the neighbor boy who thought it was OKAY to just walk into my house to look for more toys to take outside. Ummm.... NO?! My safety zone was thereby violated. Then he hit the youngest in the face (granted on accident) with a light saber and she bit her top lip somehow or he busted it a little but not enough to actually do much more than make it bleed a little and not to the point where it needs stitches but she started screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs and I was already on edge anyway because it's just been one of those years and so much is just.. Okay it's been one of those lives and I feel like I'm constantly being stabbed inside and always bleeding. Yes. Bleeding. In my chest, this cold feeling, constantly. I hate it. Okay maybe not constantly, it just feels like constantly!

Anyway. The oldest was going at it pretty hard core with her light saber and I asked her nicely to try and pull back a little because she was using it against the neighbor boy who is only 5 and she is twice his age and height and I didn't want him to get overwhelmed so she got all upset and did the "I hate myself I do so many bad things in my life" and we had to have a talk about that as she's crying and I'm >thisfuckingclose< to going outside and getting in the van and driving as far as my gas tank will take me after calling the EX and being like "watch them i can't do this omg!!!!!" so we got a talk about that about how it's not that bad and I wasn't angry about it at all I just gave her a gentle warning and that was the end of it and she was still upset about the whole bike incident from weeks ago that I had pretty much totally forgot about and I told her she needs to just let it go because yes I was upset at the time but it was talked about and I apologized and it really just was so over with. There was no lasting damaging, it was over, done talked about the end but I am sorry she's feeling that shitty but I told her how awful her saying those things made me feel because I felt like a total failure of a parent in that case so then i DID have a freaking mental break down and was crying and the ex called and I bawled my eyes out sitting here on the couch because I just couldn't take it anymore

maybe I just need to drink and not have coffee even though it tastes good and it makes me feel better. I have no idea but I really wish I knew a secret to feeling better! Eventually she calmed down and she was concerned because I wasn't able to calm down because I seriously do not calm down near as easily as even my four year old but the outside time wasn't all that bad even though the neighbor boy is a bit of a jerk!
Gods he complained constantly and is bossy and was trying to make up all these random rules in his head and then would yell "CHEATER!!" when someone did something that they didn't even KNOW was a damn rule and I was all thinking 'can you just shut up, why aren't your parents out here?! why do I have to do this?!' but of course his parents had the door open so I am sure they heard it all but yeah.... NOT a good time for me at all.

I TRIED to be nice when I redirected anyone who was being a total jerk and I will not say that my kids are perfect angels and to be honest my son was being a giant freaking PITA today too so I was trying to gently correct him as well and the entire thing was this giant clusterfuck with me against five kids, outside, and I hate going outside. Hate hate hate hate hate it. If I had it my way I just would not do it. Ever. I'd never leave the house. Someone else can come and do groceries, and everything else. I would never freaking leave if I had a choice in the matter!

I have therapy tomorrow and I at least kept my pledge not to try and find anything to kill myself with but I don't remember if the pledge had part not to want to run away and just give up and I do. I want to run away. Screw everything in life I just want to move to another country and start over. Curl up in bed. I don't know.

I freaking need BF to move here. Immigration just needs to be an easier process already!

I am falling apart and cannot do this crap.


1 comment:

  1. I totally understand the running away. I do it regularly. Unfortunately now that I have done it the first time, it's easier to run again and again. I am now having to learn to not run and to sit in the emotion or be somewhere I don't want to be. It totally sucks and I hate it but I know that if I keep running, I'll never get where I want to be. It's so hard isn't it and I don't even have kids . I don't know how you do it. I think for what it's worth, you are doing agood job. It's just thta it feels so huge right now. I hope one day it does settle for you and that you can go outside and not feel like running. Until then let's both of us try and be gentle with ourselves. I know it's hard but it sounds like you are doing the best you can. You can ask for more than that.
    *gentle hugs*