27 May, 2011

I went off the deep end last night

and I felt like no one at all gives a fuck.
I've been just about abandoned by anyone.

Mom seems to want to act like nothing ever happened and the effects of dealing with the whole dad thing and all the emails and that giant stack of them could not have possibly had any effect on me.

The EX is still not talking to me and even though it's good in it's own ways Wednesday I was supposed to go get my wisdom teeth pulled (they're literally falling apart) in the next state over (cheapest place to have them done) and yet it didn't happen because he pulled his little YAGE and all that jazz. Ugh.

It's nice in it's own way. I don't have to deal with him treating my son like crap and causing drama. But of course it's that old abandoned feeling and it really stinks. Hard.

Then of course I went without Therapy when last week she told me she'd see me this week and then didn't even say anything about it at all and how likely would it have been that she'd not been there and not said a fucking thing if I hadn't emailed her? I'm pissed and hurt about it. I really am. Ugh.

Then of course I just felt like BF's insistence that I go to bed was pushing me away like he didn't want to spend any time with me so I got really mad at him too and yelled. Then I just had the urge to burn myself, I told him I was trying to resist and then we got into another little tiff again and I basically botched my will power and self control and did it anyway. So I now have 17 burns from a lighter. Most are in the left side of me.
Some on my ankle, some on my wrist, five of those though are on my right wrist. I rarely do the right side, because it's my dominate side so I like to not bother it. But after admitting (dumbly, next time I shouldn't say anything) that I did some on the left side BF got angry and we had a fight and I got even more upset and then he was all "I'm just going to go to bed" and that made me even more mad like he was really just going to fucking do that and just end up leaving me like everyone else and that's why he kept pushing me away to go to bed and shit like that and I was.. just.. there has been so much I have not been handling well and it was this just fucking clusterfuck

and he kept saying he was going to call the hospital or 911 or my therapist or even the EX and I went further off the deep end. That's when I did the ones on the right because I just .. needing something to distract me from how much I was hurting inside and the only way to really feel anything externally is to just bring out the pain otherwise how the hell. I don't even know! Eventually he told me that if I just told him if I did anything he wouldn't called I admitted to doing more and then I didn't do anymore after that because my right arm was all "You're a stupid bitch!!" So.... I.. actually ended up.. putting burn ointment/cream on that arm but not the rest of them because I am used to it on the left side. Even though that initial shock makes me tremble and makes my muscles twitch and my head roll back a little as I let out a breath and enjoy the fact that I can feel something other than the usual pains I feel. My shoulder pain I am used to. Maybe I should have done it on my shoulder. It would have been something different than the typical.

No. Instead now I'll just have scars added to my previous ones. Though the left arm had more than the right, and my ankle had none before. I should have done my right ankle. Burn scars could cover the wonky scar that I'd cut in there when I'd carved the name of a boy I'd loved once upon a time into it.

See... he was... stunning. Taller, older, into fantasy, long hair, blue eyes, thin. Just the ... he was dreamy.. he paid attention to me. It was lovely. One day after a huge fight with my sister he followed me down, let me put my head in his lap and he stroked my hair as I cried.

Then of course, he just wanted sex I think. Still I'd been lusting after him but too shy to admit it for a long time. He was in High School and ... *sigh*

He ended up sleeping with a friend of mine/my older sisters. Then one day, he was staying with us. He was down in my sisters bed. Yes, we had a bunk bed. Twin/Full. She had the full on the bottom. They were making out, they probably had sex too. With me.. SLEEPING there.

It was awful, but I stayed with him anyway because he 'loved me'. It was stupid.. I ran away from home a couple of times at his urging. I never did have sex with him though. I chickened out because the idea scared me.

Eventually, despite still liking him he'd hurt me far too much and I couldn't do it anymore. I broke down and just could not handle it.


damnit... this entry wasn't supposed to be about him.. yet there I go.. digging up pains I rarely... talk about. So few people know about him... far less know the pain I went through with him. There was lots of it.. and drama.. and .. I'll have to elaborate on another entry at a later date..

I don't want to talk or think about him right now..


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