I am flopping back and forth. I am either in so much internal pain that I am just screaming for some way to release it. Or I am completely devoid of feeling anything inside and out other than boredom and a sense of wondering why I bother to live day to day life?
Why do I do anything?
Why bother waking up?
At those points I don't even know if I love anyone, if I am capable of feeling. If I want to feel anymore. Or if the numbness is somehow better. Whoever that person is, I hate her when she is here. I know who she is, I don't want to mention her name. I want her gone.
Then again, maybe she is better than that little girl being out, and suffering, and crying..
I hate it either way.
When I had told Dr. J I looked in the mirror and wasn't sure who I saw. It wasn't a case of not knowing who that grown up person is.
It's looking at all of it and not even recognize it. At all. As anyone I should know. Every last bit of the entire body, everything. I don't know who she is. I hate that.
It's the most common thing, I look at the mirror and then.. who is what?
Who is she? What is she? Where is she from?
I have no damn idea anymore.