Troubles.

So, blogger abandoned me when I needed it. Really badly needed it just to be up.
I'm angry that it was gone for as long as it was. Every time I checked it, crying, hurting, panicked, alone, left with the agony of what was going on around me. Damnit! It was gone!

Here's the thing. My dad was cheating on my mom. With more than one woman. Lied about it too. Flat out lied about it. Until she had proof. Two years of emails of proof! Emails she wanted me to help her print out and forward to her own email. Emails that my eyes could not help but graze over little parts. Meaning, I found out way way way way more about my dad's sexual likes and flings than I EVER EVER wanted to know. (note, my dad is not my biological father, still, he's been there for me more than he has.. and has accepted me as his daughter despite this. So, he is my dad. Simple as that.)



It was, heart breaking. I have heard or seen my mother cry only two times that I can remember before this. ONLY two times! Yes, my mom does not display the emotion of sadness very often at all. Annoyance, anger, and all that... that's what I remember mostly. Just either neutral or something not happy. Anyway, so I heard her cry one time after she asked me to call her. Of COURSE I get the news of her proof as I'm in a grocery store, nothing to drink my meds with (no water fountain I could find), and dry mouthed so unable to dry swallow the pill to calm myself.  

So she's crying, on the phone, doesn't know what to do. Hurts so bad. All this stuff, what would I do.

Why me?? why me why me why me?
Of all her children, why not the ones that seem the least hurt by her? The ones that will go around her more, the ones that obviously always had a better connection? Why the one who struggles daily not to want to end her life??
Of course, I was the ONLY one she told. Yes, she had no one else to share this with. No one. Just me. Just me..

Oh man, it was the weight of the world and then some on my shoulders. So we talked, I get home, I help her with emails despite not really wanting to. Still, how can I just leave her? crying? How can I not help her?? Even with how many times she turned her back on me when I was a child.. .how could I?



It came to a point sometime later, that she questioned if he really was where he said he was. So, despite not wanting to leave the house. Full of pain, hurting, tears, sadness, worry, you name it.. if it was unhappy.. I was it. I loaded the kids up in the van without explanation, and drove by where he was supposed to be. His car was there, and that was that, I drove home. Talking to her on the phone, we talked for awhile. Again she was crying. That marks the 4th time I've witnessed/heard it.

Eventually, the EX comes over and I am not talking with her as much because she's doing some more things.

I lose it. Completely lose it into tears. My head in his lap as I cry, clinging onto his shirt in a mess of tears, sorrow and snot. I am going to lose another dad, I am going to be without a Daddy again. Just like when I was little. All over again I was going to be without a Daddy!

See, I was a Daddy's girl to my Biological father, and then was Daddy-less for a very long time. Well it felt longer than it was. It was only actually 7 1/2 years or so really. But it felt, and still feels, like a life time. Anyway. Dad and I had a connection pretty instantly, he was fun, I met him when I was pregnant when my oldest.. and mom wasn't happy about it in the slightest.. but he didn't seem to condemn me in the slightest like she did. We played 'phone tag' where we'd leave each other voice mails, or even just a 'tag you're it!' call during the days when I was home not feeling well while pregnant (I had HORRIBLE morning sickness with my oldest). Just because..

He lived out of town during this time, actually he lived in the city I live in now, and we lived 40 minutes away when he and mom reconnected (they are old high school loves actually). Anyway, he would stop by a store and bring me my pregnancy cravings when he could (graham crackers and frosting was one), or buy chocolates for my (then boyfriend..) to give me when we'd get into a fight as a way to smooth things over with the poor hormonal pregnant me.

He.. was awesome..
He bought me art supplies for my birthday.
Mom gave me cake I hate, she knows I hated it, I even asked her for a chocolate cake with no fruity stuff.. I got vanilla cake with raspberry filling.  *shudder*

I had a dad again! Even before they got married I had a dad again! I had something I'd been missing and needing badly for so many years, that it was the first time in awhile I felt good and the world seemed okay. I was okay. Things were going to be better. I had a dad!

So.. here I was.. scared that I was going to lose.. My dad!

Granted, we don't do phone tag anymore, but I know if I really REALLY need him.. He'll be there, and I enjoy bringing him baked goods, and lasagna, and other things.. just because you know? Sit and have Chinese with him stuff like that... You know?

Anyway..
Eventually, dad went home... so mom stopped talking for a couple of hours. EX was at home, offline because he needed to hardcore focus on homework. Kids were asleep. I was alone. On the couch, trying to distract myself with random internet crap. BF at work. TV on.. NOTHING helping.
I spent half an hour curled up crying my eyes out on the couch.


Eventually... mom tells me that he admitted it, apologized, and they are going to work on the relationship. She's chalking this up to 'midlife crisis' because he's 48... and just general.. stupidity.. But he's not allowed to talk to these women anymore, and has to be open with things, and.. has to work on the lying.

*sigh*

There... that was what I needed to get off..
*sigh* I'm still hurting over the entire thing. Over what I read. That giant stack of emails I had hiding in a dresser drawer.
I haven't slept in my room since that night..

-Shattered