Tomorrow

I am going to get two wisdom teeth pulled. THANK GOODNESS because I need them out so badly.
I am not doing so great.
I'm sure everyone who has read lately can see that. Then again It's been coming. I think I need to actually change the title of my blog.
Actually, I believe I will..

From not on, from the shattered darkness is going to be called 'Walking on the Borderline' I think it works. It maybe has been used before? I have no idea, I don't really know too many bloggers. No one really knows me.

I think maybe I should change that.

I'll still be -Shattered though..

-Shattered

I'm 'okay'.

I got back my grades for last weeks assignments. All 100% thank goodness! Because I was stressing it! "Rough Drafts" of art projects drive me crazy to present. I want to get it done from start to finish and present it. I know showing a rough can be good, but it feels like basically I am taking a picture of myself first thing in the morning with boogers hanging out my nose or something when I have to present a 'rough draft' before I do a final draft and part of the grade is NOT 'over working' the draft so it still looks GOOD but is still a ROUGH drafts.. >.<

I went off the deep end last night

and I felt like no one at all gives a fuck.
I've been just about abandoned by anyone.

Mom seems to want to act like nothing ever happened and the effects of dealing with the whole dad thing and all the emails and that giant stack of them could not have possibly had any effect on me.

:(

Another week with no therapy. I am at my wits end with myself. I am just.. frustrated in general really. I would have to say that I .. I don't even know anymore I guess.

I did get to meet with three of the four counselors for the kids. One wasn't there but will be next week. So three of the kids got to meet their counselors. Hopefully, it goes well. I told them my fears that my kids would become my siblings and I.
From there.. I don't know what else to do/say about things.

Playing hookie

Last night as one of those nights.
Strong winds, lots of rain, issues with sleep that kept waking me up.
Kids woke up late, two slept in, wind was still going strong and so was the rain.

Stuck

I am flopping back and forth. I am either in so much internal pain that I am just screaming for some way to release it. Or I am completely devoid of feeling anything inside and out other than boredom and a sense of wondering why I bother to live day to day life?
Why do I do anything?

Why bother waking up?

Just of stuff

The party went surprisingly well. Though one of my sisters and her two kids did not show, the two neighbor children (and their parents) did show, and so did my sister, her husband and her son. So all in all it went well as far as the youngest was concerned. We had a total of 7 kids (four being mine), and one kid that showed up just with her dad that we didn't know.. but we gave her cake, ice cream, and a goody bag anyway. She seemed to enjoy that.

My brother showed up too, and actually took the youngest out to pick out her gift while I went to pick up the cake. She enjoyed that, and he was so thrilled and amazed at how polite she was. She said 'yes please' and 'thank you' without hesitation or prompting. I smiled and said, 'well at least I know I am doing something right!'

That was a BAD idea

So, my sleep has been SHIT since that whole blow up with my parents thing that ended up better for THEM than it did for ME as it fucked my life up for an entire week and I didn't even get to have a therapy session that week because Dr. L's son was getting married so she couldn't and I was busy that day any way because of a special big ass school show for the oldest and like all the 4 - 6th grade students and her special choir and all that jazz.

AHHH!!!!

Today

My youngest, and most likely last child. Is 5.
Not officially born into the world until 11:57PM, but 5 none the less. There she is, that big girl, across the room from me petting the cat who is rolling on the entry way rug.

I cannot believe she is 5, and on top of that, for 19 days I will have two 5 year olds in the house. As my son is 5 as well until June. Temporarily, people will be able to ask me their ages, and I can respond that they're both 5. They'll look at me confused, as they clearly look very different from each other. How could they possibly be twins?

Troubles.

So, blogger abandoned me when I needed it. Really badly needed it just to be up.
I'm angry that it was gone for as long as it was. Every time I checked it, crying, hurting, panicked, alone, left with the agony of what was going on around me. Damnit! It was gone!

Here's the thing. My dad was cheating on my mom. With more than one woman. Lied about it too. Flat out lied about it. Until she had proof. Two years of emails of proof! Emails she wanted me to help her print out and forward to her own email. Emails that my eyes could not help but graze over little parts. Meaning, I found out way way way way more about my dad's sexual likes and flings than I EVER EVER wanted to know. (note, my dad is not my biological father, still, he's been there for me more than he has.. and has accepted me as his daughter despite this. So, he is my dad. Simple as that.)

Not there when I needed it.

Blogger was down, when I REALLY needed it up. It was down for an entire day, and I needed it. I needed to write.
I had so much to get off my chest, and right now I am just frustrated and stuck inside my head. So, I'll be quiet until I can pull forth everything I needed to say when it was down.

-Shattered

What is wrong with me?

I went to bed early last night!
10PM early last night! Yet I'm STILL tired today. Why is that? I just want to curl up and nap and I feel absolutely horrid. Is something wrong with my thyroid I wonder? Maybe there is something else wrong with me and it's not just depression? What else could it be? If I slept better I would have energy to do stuff. I don't know. But I went to bed so early and I am still just dying feeling so tired. :(

Therapy.. yesterday..
Oh man.
Dr. L suggested therapy for the kids. So, we're going ahead and looking for a time during the week that she has four open therapists to see the kids while I am in session. It's strange, I don't know, I feel like more of a failure thinking that even my almost 5 year old may need therapy. Mostly because of me, because I am that horrid of a parent. Ugh.

I had to pledge again this week that I wouldn't search for ways to kill myself.
Fine, I wont, I wont harm myself, nor look for ways to.

Can I just run away yet?
Just put on my shoes and go? :( I need snuggles, comfort food, and to stop feeling so crummy all the time!

-Shattered

Uncomfortable anticipation.

I have therapy in 23 minutes. I am not looking forward to doing it.
I am not looking forward to telling her that I flipped out yesterday and lost control of my emotions and how much I was just a disgusting total wreck.

I have no idea how she will take it, I have no idea if I had anything to do but that pledge but it feels more like it was a month ago between sessions than just a week. The days just drag, waking up is pure misery.
I realized that it is NOT purely the anxiety meds making me a bit sleepy. It's the fact that I don't sleep through the night. I wake up, on top of it taking awhile for me to fall sleep I wake up too many times. I really should just resort to taking medication, but I am afraid that I will just end up having to wake up to a puking child anyway. I don't know. Obviously they don't get sick THAT often.. but it's that irrational "there is no point!!" part of me that throws a fit like that.

Anyway.. EX is here to watch the youngest. He doesn't know about this blog so I have to go!

-Shattered

Mothers Day woes

Breakfast was nice, though the EX was a bit of a jerk to my son. My son can be a giant PITA. I love him, but there are times where I just wish he had a 'good' switch instead of an 'argumentative, whiny, loud, inconsiderate' switch. Then I realize that he acts a lot like how he saw EX act over the years. :(

Blah.

The kids had made me some presents, cards mostly, drawings too, the second daughter also painted a little flower pot for me and had seeds in a little envelope. This is the most I've been given on a Mothers Day I'll be perfectly honest.

Afterward I went and took a nap, while my son did too. He was a bit of a booger this morning since we woke up early to eat breakfast and all that.
-----------------------------

I never finished this post, it's from Mothers Day, but I stopped writing it because EX came in and I didn't want him to see me writing so I closed it and just didn't go back. So whatever. Posting it now.

-Shattered

I appreciate it

Again, I want to say how I appreciate the comments I do get on my blog. I really feel less out of touch with the world when I am faced with comments from those suffering the same/similar as I am. It really does mean a ton to me to have that kind of support even if it is just a few people out there in the world who I may never meet. Though, I have to admit I would love to meet each and every one of you who reads this, or comments on all this. Just because I would feel great meeting face to face people who struggle the same.

Okay...

Dear Anxiety Meds....

Stop making me so tired that I have no choice but to nap.
Well it was either that or the fact that it took me far far too long to actually end up sleeping last night. I have no idea what it is, but I hate feeling tired. I will have to attempt to go out without any anxiety meds and do a day and see if I manage without feeling like sleeping. I have no idea what else it would be. *sigh*

Damned if I do damned if I don't?
Ugh, I have no idea what it is.

How else am I supposed to be able to manage the outside world? I either am too nervous that I panic out there, so it's next to unbearable. Or I am at least somewhat okay but then I get all exhausted. Stupid meds...

-Shattered

Worn thin.

That's what I am.
I finally told the kids that one of the reasons (the major reason), that I don't like spending time out of my room with them is that I feel do disrespected. They sigh, they roll their eyes, they argue, when it comes to taking care of their things and throwing away their own garbage. As if they expect that either one, a magically fairy will clean their messes or two that I am the one who has to clean them because I am not worth more than taking care of what they do not want to take care of themselves.

Thinking back..

I used to try and care on Mothers Day, even when I was 10. I would work to make some money and I'd buy something to know she'd like. Eventually, I stopped doing much. Because there was such a distance and a lack of anything between my mother and I. Our relationship is half there, sometimes it's there, other times it is just not. We talk more online than we do in face. Then again I have difficulties talking to lots of people face to face. I can hardly order at places or look at the check out clerks.

Phone calls and coffee.

There are very few people I am comfortable talking on the phone with. They're people I have known for long enough and have a certain comfort level with.
There are a total of TWO people who I have that comfort level with.

1.) The EX, because we pretty much talk every day. It's okay, because I do appreciate the adult contact and it's my connection with the world around here.. He works and is outside of the house pretty often, so that works for me... unless there's been a fight then there is that uncomfortable silence and I feel cut off from the entire universe.. Yes, even with the internet at large.

So with school.

It takes me a lot of emotional energy, and courage to call people. Even people I know.
I wont even call to order pizza. If I can't order it online, I wont order it. Period.
Sometimes, if I'm really pissed off about something I can call, but usually, I cannot call places. Yes, even school to talk about issues...

So anyway, I called and there was a no go on not taking summer quarter, it'd mess with my financial aid and I really want to avoid trouble as much as possible. What WAS possible though, was a work around. I get a 3 week 'summer vacation' right after I am done with my next class (Visual Indication, working with expensive ass markers and things). Okay, well that's not enough time for an unwind and refocus for me. So what we're doing is: Next quarter I am still going 1/2 time. But I am not taking a class in the first session of the quarter (quarters are broken in to two sessions at my school) and am instead taking two classes the second session.

Thank you!

For everyone who comments. It feels good not to be alone in all of this!
It's hard, most days I feel cut off from the world despite having the internet right here and so easy to reach to. I feel so little connection with people at times, as if I am watching everything from behind a screen. Like I don't really exist in this world, it's all just a dream that I am watching everyone and everything.

"I want you to pledge to me"

"That you'll be okay this next week, that you'll keep on the fight, and not look for anything on the internet at all that you can kill yourself with,"

I found out today, that my therapist, is a former sufferer from BPD as well. 25 years ago she was diagnosed with it, and fought the long fight to be the amazing woman doing so many things that she is doing today. She raised four kids, as a single mother, and made it through college and runs her practice/business with 30 employees and is doing all sorts of amazing things!!
She told me that it has been years since she told anyone that story, and I feel honored that she trusts me enough to tell me that.

I'm trying... I'm trying!

I improve my mood.
So I worked out today.
The weather is sunny, and while there is no real way I am walking first thing in the morning.. Well actually. Maybe once the weather is good we'll start doing the first thing in the morning walking to school too. That might be a good way to wake up. Walk to school at 8am. @_@
I used to be able to do things like that, really I did! But my elementary school started at 9:00.. even though I was a crossing guard during, 5th or was it 6th grade? 6th.. whatever. So I had to be there before that...

Hard to be positive

When feeling so awful.
I am just, awful feeling.
I don't know of it's the meds not working right.
Or if I'm just going to be miserable even ON medication, but what gives?
I figure I will give it a full month on the 60MG before I tell the doctor, hey look.. this shit doesn't seem to be working.

But I can't help just feeling overwhelmed and done again. Nothing particularly awful has happened, I just feel done over. Buried! Stick a fork  in me and allow me to be done because I just cannot deal with the pressures of life right this second.

I am stressed, I feel sick, I don't want to wake up, maybe Cymbalta isn't for me.
I have no idea, I am just in a horrid place.

I want to do impatient. Give me a 60 inpatient at that one place, help me move past this crap. Help me do better than I am doing with once a week therapy and the medicine dance while mostly on my own because I am seriously drowning here and if I research how to get my hands on things that could kill me again I am going to  have to disconnect my internet!

What do I do at this point? I hurt inside and I want to get it out and the only way I've ever done that well is self harm and the hot shower just wasn't hot enough this morning to truly help  with how much.. I... am.. hurting inside right now and I don't even know why but I can't get it to stop!!

-Shattered

Want to be done.

Last night it seemed to be a sign.
TV was playing with my mind and beating me in the face! It was all going well enough, just minding my own business and there it was. What was might you ask? I was doing good watching random TV mostly. Untold Stories of the ER and stuff like that. Fascinating stuff that fuels those worst case scenarios and helps me cope somehow by focusing my inner pain towards myself into feeling pain and feelings for the stories I am watching. You know?