Been a quiet mess.

I am sorry I have been so quiet. I've been extremely quiet and extremely a mess.
Things have been... I don't even know how to say.
But I decided to change schools and I am a little upset that there is not a real good transfer of my credits.
Right now, three of the kids are gone and will be gone for a fair bit of time now. :(
I will not see them again until the 26th.
So I am a mess with that..
I keep forgetting to take my meds. I want to call for an appointment tomorrow, see if perhaps really this is ADHD or no?? I don't know...

My bucket list..

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details. 


So here we go, before I kick the bucket I would like to...

1. Take a vacation to Japan
2. Take a vacation to Australia
3. Graduate college!
4. See all my kids graduate college.
5. Get Married.
6. Move out of the Northern USA!
7. Be a healthy weight and stay there
8. Recover from BPD
9. Find 5 things to smile about every day!
10. Get the shard of glass out of my knee.
11. Own a Para Para Paradise arcade machine!!!
12. Own a Dance Dance Revolution Machine!
13. Take a vacation sans kids
14. Take a vacation WITH the kids
15. See Ayumi Hamasaki in concert!
16. Get the chance to record a CD at a recording studio.. even if it's just for fun!

There.. that's a start for now...

Fffffffffuckin'

I haven't had therapy for two weeks now, because Dr. L hasn't been there.
Just my luck huh?
I am going to probably tell her not to bother, and to take on my oldest just because I think at this point she needs it more. Or something. Or because I'm angry, and she can kiss my ass.

I'm also trying to get myself off of Cymbalta, on my own, all over again. Thinking maybe.. just maybe... what if maybe?? Lots of my crap is a magnesium deficiency? So.... I had to wonder that about the kids too! My son's ADHD, the moodiness of the girls and things??

So... I bought some magnesium, and we all had a SMALL dose today, a full dose is 2tsp, we all had 1/4tsp... yeah, though I did feel more calm and a bit more balanced during that part of the day, I am exhausted now. But it HAS been a long day!!!

Tomorrow, I will do 1/2tsp for me, and see how that goes. I think I will keep the kids on the 1/4 for a bit, and see how that does them?? I have no idea, I've read to use up to 200mg or whatever for a kid with ADHD, which.. would be 1.5tsp?? So.. maybe I'll... naw I am gonna go with 1/4 for a week for him, then 1/2?? for a week.. then 3/4.... for a week.. then the 1tsp... and see how he manages. :)

We'll see how we all do.

Assuming I don't die from Cymbalta withdrawal..

Fuck it...

I'm so done with lots of things lately and it's not even funny anymore.

I pulled away from just about everyone but BF and the EX....

Well the kids too..

I deleted all my friends outta my phone.
That was short lived.
Of course it was.

I'm full of shit

I didn't just meet FRIENDS.
I meant 'friends' just for the sake of having people to HAVE SEX WITH.
I've been driving out to a place in the middle of fucking nowhere to meet up with people I only knew online.
In the dark of night.
No cell service.
The first time NO ONE knew that I was going there.
Yes, I've been insanely reckless.

I've also been an emotional WRECK.
But I haven't told a fucking lick of it to Dr. L..
WHY?? Because everything has been dominated by making sure that my son gets well on his way into his journey.
She's all like "I don't think you have BPD" umm..
Lady you have NO idea the shit I've been going through that I haven't told you because I wanted to show this strong face to everyone so no one see's how broken I am in light of all the help my son needs..

I am going to tell her on Thursday..

She has no idea what I've been doing to myself and with myself..
Just the little scrap I've been throwing at her.

This'll be a shock to her..All the shit that I've been hiding even from here. Because I pulled away a lot from people in general.

Yes, even though I went and actively searched for people to have sex with.
Yes, that means I had my first experience with a woman, and I slept with a man I'd only known for a total of 4 face to face meetings and only two of those were one on one.

Stupid?
Yes!
Did it feel good?
Mostly..

The guy was far better than the girl.


Err, and YES my boyfriend knows. He knows every last inch of it and is encouraging and supportive despite it.

Watch me spiral out of control now.
I've crashed emotionally many times over the past two weeks.
It's stupid..
Fuck I'm in such a fucking spot I don't even fucking know and I have fucking no one..

-Shattered

exploration

It's a hard thing.
I want to explore who I am but at the same time I'm too scared of being who I am.
I know I am going to therapy to 'fix' myself, but at the same time I don't want to fix certain aspects of myself that I am comfortable with. I just, want to live with them, and have that be that. I don't want to 'suffer' from them, I want to embrace them.
I took my antidepressants late this morning, and at this moment I'm in an unhappy head space where I feel a little.. okay perhaps a lot..
Lost and alone..

I made friends...

I had an adventure the last week really.
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.

Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!

I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!

So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.

Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!

I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.

Meh..
I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.
I am FINALLY GOING TO GET MY FREAKING COMPUTER PLACED IN MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY BEDROOM!! Yes! Yes I really am!

-Shattered

Nightmares abound

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, life has just been really busy since my son started PSR, we have therapy on Thursdays, aside from the oldest who has it on Fridays. The kids all started school and I have gone a 'little' crazy with enjoying the me time I get now that even the youngest is in school 3 hours a day!

On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.

On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?

Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.

Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?

There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..

Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..

I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..

-Shattered

Not much to say..

Tomorrow, by help of my BF, I get to finally get a root canal.
My tooth has made it hard to sleep, I wake up with the Ibuprofen wears off to take more and then pass back out in an Ibuprofen induced head-fog.. I wake up feeling like hell.
My brain still races at night, the sleep medication was no match for the racing of my brain nor the pain in my mouth.

My son started PSR yesterday. PSR being Psycho-social Rehabilitation.
Yet I am still considering perhaps he DOES need medication.

I do love him, but dear gods with his issues I hate the way he acts.. It's one of the worst parts of every day.
I dread school starting, but pray for it at the same time.
I am worried they're going to have so many problems with him that he'll be in the office or getting in trouble left and right.
Based solely off of all the problems he has here at home, and with his dad.

I still hate Cymbalta..
I cancelled an appointment about the sleep meds not working because I wanted to wait until  this tooth is taken care of and see if that improves my sleep at all.

I am going to be asked to get taken off of Cymbalta.
The only thing it does it make me less violent, and cry at less things.
Other than that.. I still have no energy, little interest, and overall meh for day to day and things in general.

Basically.. I'm still a mess, just not AS much of one.

That's not good enough.
I want some kind of.. I want something else.
I want more than this shit.
I don't even know..

-Shattered

Stuffed up

I realize, that is what Cymbalta does.
It mostly stuffs up my ability to cry, or get easily upset when someone (ex's, people in general) try and say things to hurt my feelings.

Or they yell at me.

It stuffs it up, I feel.. neutral. There is no need for crying, or getting mad. It's just. Whatever.
Is that a NORMAL thing to feel?
I am so used to being upset SO SO easily, that not being upset SO easily.. is...
Beyond me really.

Or I'll feel hurt, but there wont be that insane flood of tears and chaos.

Of course, I thought maybe I was just doing better. So I tried not taking my meds.

Hahahaha, it was okay the first day. Come the second? Oh yeah, that overly emotional BS self came back, and I felt like hell. It made working this part time job I got here at home.. pretty much unbearable. I sat there and cried while on the phone, but still forced a smile to my face and made it through calls. I got my meds in my system but they took a little.

Fuck..
I guess I have to be on these forever??
I don't want to be.

I want to feel happier though. On top of it all. I want to be able to feel happiness and not just this.. Meh. Who cares feeling.

What do I do? :(
I guess I'll have to go back and look at different meds and finding out how you even wean off of Cymbalta?
I don't even know anymore..

On another note, I've managed to keep this job a week and a day now. Woo? I HAVE wanted to quit. The day that my body and my emotions were hell from being off my meds, I thought I'm not doing this anymore!! NO MORE!!

Yet I did anyway.

I made it back the next day, and okay. I can manage, somehow. I will make it through this and be okay.
Somehow..

Ugh!
I start school again in two days.

Lets see if this mess of myself.. can even survive it!

Going Unnnnnnnnnnder...

I don't know, I freaking hate anti-depressants.
How do I know if they're working?
I feel 'the same' again. NOTHING feels very good. So what is that? Does that mean even the 60mg of Cymbalta is not enough?? I'm sick and tired of trying this shit.
Sick and mother fucking tired of giving my hopes into these damn medications and not feeling anything!!

I'm tired of anxiety, I'm tired of being miserable, I'm tired of being low energy, I'm tired of needing sleep medication but still feeling a bit dead and tired come the morning!!

It's... like.. NOTHING is changing!! UGH!
So, I am going to make a call and look into changing medications..
Yes... AGAIN. I will be changing, because this just isn't doing it's job, and I don't want to go maximum dose just to have it flatline and not work.

On top of that, I want to make an appointment to get in and have my thyroid levels checked. Even though I know that will involve a blood test, and I am not... looking forward to that, so.. whatever. I'll do what it takes to figure out if it's my thyroid, or if my brain really IS the problem!

UGH~!

-Shattered

But what about ME?!

I want someone to focus on me.
You know?
Someone OVER the age of 18. Someone who just wants to fuss over my well being. I'm stressed out and worn thin worried about my son and the kids in general and the youngest has been up my ass for attention this entire week and asks me MULTIPLE times a day when her siblings will be home.
Yes, I know she misses them, and yes I am trying to keep her occupied and not leave her alone but holy hell I can't even go bathroom without her wanting to come and talk.

"What are you doing mommy? Are you going to the bathroom? Can I come in?"
FFS!! You're 5, let me go bathroom and get SOME time alone or something!
Of course when I TRY and get time out of the house without one of the kids the EX ends up calling me every few minutes.


He seriously said "So if I call and you don't answer, what do I say? Mommy doesn't love you?"

Seriously?! I mean, HELLS! I spend soooooooo much damn time with them and JUST them, how do you even get off saying that?! You can go days without seeing your own flesh and blood and wont even talk to her or ask me about her. So if I want 2 hours alone with my family not worrying about what parenting shit I have to do I don't love her?

FFS, I just want someone to come, clean the house up so I can get a fresh start, make me dinner, rub the knots and pain out of my back, and just.. in general come and pamper me a bit. I'm tired of being one doing it all. I am not doing well with this single parent thing with no one else living in the house but the kids. I try, but holy shit, I just want to run and hide someplace and to be left alone.

I want someone to bake me cookies too.
It's hot, I want air conditioning as well. It sucks when it's 86*F inside. It really really does.

Yes, I had to rant because I just feel... overwhelmed with so much in life right now I want to cry and scream and kick!

-Shattered

On the outside

Still looking in.
I will always really be the outsider no matter what I do.

Even despite all the horrible things my oldest sister may do, I will be the outsider.
The one sitting there awkwardly as everyone talks about the illegal substances they use. The one shaking her head again and again when offered one drug after another.
I don't care if it's legal, I will not be smoking from your Hookah. I'm sorry, I just will not be doing it.
I will not smoke pot 'instead of taking your meds' because it 'makes you feel so good'. Ugh, I am not going to do something illegal just because it can 'make me feel good'. I've seen how much more drugged up YOU seem on that crap than I do on my 'mind altering' anti-depressants. Sorry, I'll go the route that's legal and not risk it. I also don't want to just look like some zombied out person.

Lah. @_@

I also tried hard not to judge my mom as I sat there.
Listening to her, watching her laugh, seeing her teeth rotting and knowing that there is some sort of option if she'd take it.
Will the kids look at me like that someday?

Will I be falling apart before I am 50 like she is?
Do they look at me and see me falling apart already?

I have to wonder, just how awful do I appear to them?

-Shattered

Hard a work? Or hardly working?

Ugh, I feel like I am getting nowhere with anything about myself.
A lot of my time and talk in therapy lately is all about my son.
I know, I know, something about it all I guess. I know I need to focus on him a bit too, but I am wondering how far I can go with getting better than I can right now.
Who knows...

I am worn out a bit, though despite trying, I am not able to sleep well. Even with sleep medication, it's not really happening all to well.

I dunno, I don't even know what to say.

I'm frustrated with lots of things right now.
I can't believe I start school again... Granted it's only in like 18 days from now. That's still over two weeks.
I have no idea.
Just stressy and tired... I feel like I am going nowhere with a lot of things. I am just.. in generally... worn thin, and feeling crappy.

What do I do to feel better?

-Shattered

Did you know??

I'm a bitch!
Yes, that is what the ex called me about 40 minutes ago.
Why???
Because I dared to spend an hour and a half at my brothers birthday dinner, and put my phone on silence so he wouldn't call me every 30 minutes! Of course, he did try and call, and was all sorts of bitch-tastic at me.

Okay. Sorry that I asked you to watch your kid solo for the first time since, yanno, April?
FFS. It's been over 3 months! Spend some time alone with her and stop being a douche.

Whatever. -_-;

Kids and I all had therapy today.
Funny enough, my therapy revolved mostly around my son, and working out what kind of things we can do to help him. That's okay, because a fair bit of stress in my life relates to the challenges of him.

Hopefully, all goes well for him and us.
Right now, all I can do is pray right?

The other day, err.. Wednesday. I got new medication to help me sleep. My doctor thinks that I may be far better off once I can actually sleep. So she's actually got me on a sleep medication. Yes... we shall see. We're giving me a month of taking it for a week, trying a couple days without, taking it for a week, and then trying a couple days without and praying that it resets my poor awful hardly existent ability to sleep!

Other than that.. hmmmm, I had absolutely no real desire to eat at my brother's birthday dinner. It was just mom and dad, my youngest sister, my brother, and myself. Today my brother is 24. My own brother is older than my BF. Hehehehe. Oops? I dunno, I really can't be too fussed about it personally. >.>

Well okay, sometimes I can be.

Anyway, I did eventually eat, and managed to feel too full to finish. That's a good thing. I have't really felt full in a bit.

I've just sorta been, no real desire to eat or do much else.

Eh who knows, we shall see how things go.

Other than that, I really gotta get the youngest to sleep!

-Shattered

My Nightmares

Often involve my mother. Usually, she is not listening to me and leaves me defenseless in a situation where I am quickly overwhelmed. Much like my childhood. Where I was the misunderstood, unwanted 'black sheep' of the family. Despite striving my best to do my best for her, it was never enough to make me anything but that.

Even though my oldest sister started having sex with far older men at the age of 12, and even had her first abortion. I was the bad one.

I had another such dream last night.
Perhaps I feel bad because I did not adhere to my mothers request of coming over yesterday to hang out before going to get the kids? I felt like if I did go over there she'd put me to work painting or ripping up carpeting. Not exactly my ultimate feeling of a visit, is going and ripping up carpeting or getting roped into painting walls. More so on a Sunday.

My sleep is still pretty awful. Though last night I made it to bed shortly after 1:30AM, I was up again at 6:00AM with wicked pain from my tooth that needs the root canal. I still cannot afford it, and likely wont be able to anytime soon.

Yesterday, my desktop computer died. This is a BAD thing, as school starts on the 18th of August and I need my desk top for school. It is stronger than my laptop, and has the programs I need. Plus I just prefer to work with something that I don't have to place on my lap. Not that I mind my laptop, it allows me to be online where ever I can get access to wireless... it is just that I am very used to the comfort of my desktop, and I am frustrated to see it go kaput. I started it up yesterday, intent to sketch and then work one of my crappy low-paying work at home jobs once I got the kids to bed.. and not long later the computer froze.

After that, it will turn on and nothing else. Of course I did my usual routine of things that help it. Only to realize that I need a new CPU fan, and the Power Supply is not giving enough power. Thankfully, it is not something worse like the actual CPU, the hard drive (I would lose all my college work so far, all my pictures of the children, and my art!!), the Mobo or the video card.. but it is a frustrating loss none the less!

I am close to bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
Pain and suffering sleep does nothing to make my mood any better, and I am growing increasingly frustrated with life lately.

I found a job on CL that may just be right up my alley, the hours appear to be close to perfect, and it is not dealing face to face with people. It is working back in a stockroom for a shop, and you know.. I think I can do that. No possible customers to get in my face and yell, or sigh, or eyeroll, smack their lips, glare, shit like that? Yeah, it sounds good.

Oh, and another frustration, someone left a note on a previous entry, and.. I meant to click the link in email to allow the note. Instead, I accidentally clicked the delete, and there is no possible restore for the message!! Ugh!! I am frustrated and angry at myself!

After my 25 minutes up to take pain killers and use an ice pack on my face I managed to get back to sleep until 9. Then my son woke me up to ask if he could quietly play on the Wii, I said sure.. as long as it's quietly I don't care!

I got out of bed at 9:30AM to see the my second daughter putting dishes away from the dish washer.
Not only did the PUT them away, she reloaded and ran the dishwasher!! Awww. Some light for all the darkness lately.

-Shattered

Conversations while baking:

I was making cookies with the youngest, and while putting dough on one of the pans the following conversation took place.

Youngest: "Mommy where did you live when you were a little kid?"
Me: "California"
Youngest: "Oh! That's... Miles away!"
Me: "Yes, it is pretty far away..."
Youngest:"That means we couldn't see you!"
Me: "Well no, you weren't born yet."
Youngest: "Right! Because we were dead!"
Me: "Oh? So you decided to be born to me?"
Youngest:"Yes! I decided to come to you and be your cutest baby!"
Me: *tries not to laugh* "Oh really?"
Youngest:"Yeah! I was really cute when I was a baby!"
Me: "You're still cute now"
Youngest: "I'm beautiful too!"
Me: "Yes, yes you are."

Well, I know a certain someone with no current problems with her self esteem. :P

I wish I had her self esteem~!

In other news.. I am still in pain, and very close to being unable to pay bills. I'm stressed as hell about it.

So have no real words right now to cope...

-Shattered

Another infection

Not BF this time, actually it's me. I have another infected tooth, and somehow need to come up with $350 so that I can get a root canal done on it. That is the cheapest place local, and the cost to have it just removed and get a denture is about the same. So.. I guess I'd rather go with the low-income clinic and get the root canal. Honestly, if it was a tooth further back I wouldn't do it, but since it's one of the ones in the front.. Well, what can I do? I want it done, because the pain is driving me nuts.

I was in so much pain I got a total of four hours with a few minutes of sleep. That was it. I was up and trying whatever I could to stop the pain. I actually called the low income dentist to see how fast they could get me in. Luckily, there was a cancellation so they got me in for an exam today. I am in need of a fair few fillings, and found out.. of all things, they can pull my last wisdom tooth. Funny that before they said they couldn't? But now they can.. then again that was over the phone and perhaps they did not understand the situation. Still... they're cheaper even than the place I was using before.

Sadly, they do not take the little 'CareCredit' card thing I got. Which is a bummer needless to say!
So.. somehow?? I have to come up with $300. Great, I'm stressing bills as is, but I need my mouth to feel better because the pain is severely limiting my functioning when it destroys my sleep so completely!

So, I got a prescription for Antibiotics, they help make the pain not as bad... somehow. I am not sure why, but it works somewhat.
I also managed to call and get a month of samples of my Cymbalta while I wait for Ginger (lady who manages my free meds from the company that makes em..) to get the approval from R (who prescribes my meds) to go ahead and get me another 4 month supply or whatever I get I don't flipping know.

It was good to take a dose of meds today that was a complete dose. Though I am still paying the price of hurting myself. I am lucky my nails are FINALLY growing long, yet I hurt myself with them on purpose without realizing I am doing it and it's frustrating. I don't want to cut them off, I've wanted my nails to grow for YEARS now.

I am a fair bit extremely crazy stressed.
What is a good part time job to do when you do not handle people well? All I am finding is fast food and call center type work. Which is all work with a lot of contact with people. Even through the phone it's extremely hard! Night Janitor doesn't work because no one would be home with the children. Ideally I'd like to find something I can do during the hours they'd all be at school, or even find one that takes up hours that means that the youngest would need some kind of care the first half of the day until school starts. Whatever it is, I'd prefer not to have to work before they have school, or after. So, yes, I want to be limited to a job that wants me from I guess 9:30am to no later than 3PM. That's.. well hell I'd only manage part time anyway. I just need SOMETHING. Before I end up with us all living in my van.
Okay, no, that wont happen.

But I seriously do not know what to do with myself. @_@;

Maybe I could manage something like.. stock room or door greeter at Walmart. Something that doesn't.. I don't know, really require having to attempt to go out of my way serving people who will give me those looks. I got so many of those looks, that voice, that eyeroll. The one week I managed at McDonalds. Oh man, 20 minute-ish computer training and they threw me to the sharks on register!! I wasn't happy with that, at all. I was to ill-prepared and people could be so bitchy.

Blah!!
I can't sleep. I tried, but I couldn't shut down my brain. Still can't.
What AM I going to do with myself?

Uggghhhh

Still sick,
It's been getting so hot that the house has been heating up to 83. I wish we had air conditioning. Yeesh, 83 is not a good indoor temperature.
A good temperature for both indoors and out is a nice 76. That's my happy temperature, 76, with a gentle breeze. But I know that's not hot enough to warm up water.
Then again, it's not like I can go to the lake feeling so ill!

The youngest and I are alone a week again.
The house is always so strange when it's just the two of us. All this space and stuff and two people, it feels so awkward.
We ended up cleaning their bathroom downstairs today. I went down there to cool off (much cooler down there when it's super hot up here!), and then had to use the toilet. Then I realized "fucking gods, this place is nasty!" So out came the Clorox wipes, trash bag, and broom to really make the place look far better.
I guess you never realize how bad a room can get if you rarely use it. I don't really go down there and invade their area enough to actually USE the downstairs toilet when there are 2 up here on the main level after all.

ugh..
my teeth hurt..
too much to write now..
gods I'm falling apart

-Shattered

There goes that plan

My 'plan of attack' for the day was to clean, sew lots, let the kids play outside.
Thinking that I was starting to feel better, only to wake up with so much sinus pressure that all of the teeth on the top of my head feel like they are going to explode into tiny little pieces of evilness. My voice is funny, my head is all congested and feels like hell.

I just want to go sleep, but I have no one to watch the kids. *whimper*
I asked the EX, but he's going to go take a nap because he had to wake up at 9:30 for a work call. *sigh*

Of course, I don't really know anyone else I trust enough to have them come into the house for a time while I sleep. No.. not even my mom. Sorry to say, sure I did manage to ask her over once. But that was once in the past 3 1/2 years that I've done so.

Instead, I believe I will just go and be a zombie on the couch. Eventually, I'll put the cat in the bathroom, lounge by the front door, and let the kids.. play on the grass or something. Gah, if only the back yard was accessible through the house. Then I could just toss them outside to play and I could lounge within viewing distance far more easily. Or.. you know, have the front yard be fenced. Bleh.

Yes, I am whining, I'm a touch jealous of all the times I've tended to sick kids as much as possible.. when I remember back to my childhood and it didn't happen. I want that now... someone to care enough to dote on my at least a little right now.

-Shattered

Sick

My throat is in agony. I am not sure if I have finally somehow got the strep that the kids had at the start of the summer/a bit ago..
Or.. if I am just.. Sick!
I am absolutely a bit confused on it.

Either way, I feel post nasal drip, and my voice is 'going the way of the dinosaurs'. My stomach doesn't hurt too much, but I should be on my monthly 'woman week'. Or, something, considering the spotting. I have no idea, I can't even tell.

It took me forever to feel tired enough to go to sleep considering my throat.
I used to suffer from strep often, actually I had it so much that I wanted my tonsils out, but had been told that I was 'too old', because I was 17 when I asked for it to be done again.

Of course, when I reported that to a doctor years later at 21, they looked at me like I had grown another head and said that if I persistantly get something wrong with my tonsils, being 21 was not 'too old' to have them removed, and therefore there was no way that 17 was.

Was the other doctor just lazy? I have no idea.

Either way, I was lucky that the kids slept in enough to not wake me until 10. Thankfully... today is a lazy day where there is nothing going on due to 1. I have to wait from 8am to 5pm at home anyway, since I decided to re-have my home-phone hooked up. And... since it was only $8 more a month to do so... have the cable put back on too. It means I can watch all my favorite baking/cake challenge type shows again.

I've decided, that my current job being a guide for the search company 'ChaCha' is just not paying enough. I can sit there for hours and maybe make $5. No, I can't do it.
So instead I will go back to my dread 'on the phone' job, where I only get paid for the minutes on the phone.. but.. if I end up actually talking for 30 minutes in one hour, I make $7.50 instead of working back to back with ChaCha and maybe making $1.50! Heck, I could easily work my usual 2-3 hours, and at $7.50 make $22.5 only actually talking to people for 90 minutes of that, instead of working almost back to back on ChaCha and maybe making $5

I just have to get over my complete loathing of how awful people can be when they're calling in to order various things off of infomercials. It will.. absolutely take a lot of mental strength and energy, but.. I am determined to do my best. I cannot keep going the way I am going. I am absolutely sick to my stomach with having so little money that I am hardly scraping by every month.

Wish me luck! Once school starts again come August 18th... my load of things to do will be amped.. up a bit. Still, if I can manage even an hour, even of I can only manage to make sure I make $15 a day.. It is FAR better... than what I am managing now!

------
Someone super sweet commented on my last post (actually two super sweet people did, but I am talking about this one specific one) and said she followed me and hoped that my followers went back up. Oddly enough? The number hasn't gone up, nor do I see their name on the list. o.O Maybe.. I haven't lost anyone, but blogger is just messing with my head.

Mean mean blogger!

-Shattered

Exhaustion

Today has been, wow.. intense.
The oldest had an emotional... I don't even know what to call it, at the girls having to clean their room. She's not even sure what it was all about, or why it was all about.. but there it was.

She had a doctors appointment today, and I had therapy.. So did three of them. Yet again her therapist didn't show up. Joyous.

I'm completely and totally worn out.
I just.. RE-realized that I am almost out of my medication, and a part of me says ... don't bother with them anymore.

I'm frustrated, sad, and having trouble sleeping.

I feel so isolated on my own problems, and now even with the ones that are finally confirmed my son has. Of all people to be all 'don't medicate him it's bs' my stoned ass brother said it.

It's just.. I know I shouldn't care, but it hurts. I feel isolated on so many levels, and amazingly.. .the only in real life support I have is the EX.
I am thankful for that, and I know that I should not... or it'd be nice if I didn't.. but I still wish Ex-h would be supportive.. or.. even.. that well some of my family would be supportive.


Don't hold your breath huh?
The kids slept in today, we barely woke up with enough time to get to the doctors office and do the oldest's yearly check-up. She got a shot, found out her height and weight.. and got kind of 'scolded' for the kids only having had a granola bar for breakfast. Give me a break, we'd only been up for 20 minutes before the appointment, it was a miracle I got anything for them with how it takes us to get out the door.

Of course, by the time we got home it was noon, so we had lunch anyway...

Well, the kids did.
I haven't been eating well, or sleeping well.. or just in general well.


Another thing I shouldn't care about?
My 'followers' went from 16 to 15. How lame it is that I care about that? Okay.. I do.. I wonder who decided they'd rather not read my stuff anymore. I... feel a bit hurt by that..
It's that.. rejection..

I feel rejected by something like that..
and I'm close to crying now.

-Shattered

Do you ever forget?

What you look like?

I find that if I do not remind myself to look in the mirror, I forget what I look like.
The length of my hair, the size of my nose, how my cheekbones are. The shape of my eyebrows, the exact color of my hair, aside from what I can see of it... Things like that.

I forget things like that..
So, when I am sitting here at my computer desk (a place I haven't sat much lately. I've spent more time on my laptop than desktop since summer started), I leave my bathroom door open so that I can glance over from time to time to make sure that.. I don't forget who I look like.

Even if I feel oddly misplaced in who is right there.

I got the kids from the ex-h yesterday, and it seems my son has picked up a rather unfortunate habit from the ex-h's girlfriends daughter. Screaming, yelling, and getting absolutely pissed about the smallest thing. Of course he (son) was tired as all get out yesterday, so our dinner was a bit rough as the EX was being a giant douche about the smallest of things. He was literally arguing with a tired, ADHD, 6 year old who was emotionally out of control and hungry (ex-h does not feed the kids well, they always come back extremely hungry!). So.... the poor kiddo ended up having multiple meltdowns. RIGHT THERE in the restaurant. This is NOT typical of my son. He does not often burst into hysteric tears like this. Unless he's extremely tired and completely overwhelmed. So...

Why does the EX HAVE to agitate him so much? Why does he pick battles with a 6 year old?!

I'm.. so... heart broken over how he treats him.
Why can't he attempt to have a bit more compassion? I dread having to pick up the kids because of the drama it causes if I don't want him to go with me to get them. I dread going with him because he tends to pick these fights with a little child!

-Shattered

What I found

That I shouldn't have..
____________________________________________
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.

*sigh*

Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.

After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.

Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.

Um.. okay.

So what I found?

The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.

Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.

Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.

Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.

*sigh*

Anyway...
Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.

Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..

*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.

My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.

Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.


*sigh*

Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.

-Shattered

A kick in the face

So today the Ex-h came to get the kids.
I told him about DS's ADHD diagnosis and he goes off about how he doesn't believe that ADHD exists and that all DS needs is more rules and more strictness. Basically, "If you're a bad boy, we're cutting your hair" because DS wants to grow his hair long enough to get a ponytail. So it's at an awkward stage and all that..

Then, THEN he says that before even thinking about drugs I should just make DS go live with him for a year, go to school there, basically uproot him from being with me.. and his three sisters so he can "learn how much he wants to be with you and them and how much he misses all of you".. Seriously?!

So.. he goes on and on and says some things about me and medication and my own issues and all of this jazz and how maybe it's just better if I give him custody of the oldest 3 until I am done with school and have a good job. You know in about 3-4 years. Say.. what??

Basically.. ADHD is BS. No meds, more harshness. Don't allow him to have something psychical but unharmful to anyone (long hair), if he can't be a "GOOD BOY" *sigh*

I'm upset like crazy.. I am just heart broken. I am just so hurt that.. basically he thinks that DS just sucks because I haven't given him enough discipline!! I mean.. what?! I've tried so hard to discipline DS right, I've tried the same things as the girls, I've tried different things as the girls, I've tried so many things and have met with lots and lots of frustration and heartache! I have been trying to handle all of this for years my absolute best like this. And he wants to say that it's NOT real!?? I mean.. what else is this? I'm just awful? My son needs ripped from me and his sisters, his hair needs hacked off, and he basically needs nothing but a chair and a bed and to be treated like he's in a boot camp or something?? 



:(


-Shattered

I don't wanna be here! I wanna go home!!

Yet another Wal-mart run in the past couple of days... and yet again I panicked out.
I was trying to go to the bathroom today and some guy nearly rammed his cart against me! He saw me there, I made sure no one was moving and then he comes right out me! So I hide against the wall out of the way and put my hands over my face. An older man sitting there in an electric wheeled-cart and goes to EX "Someone's tired" when I did it and EX had noticed and came over to make sure I was okay.

Ex said yeah and she has pretty bad anxiety. Guh... I felt embarrassed. I whimpered about that guy was going to hit me and he saw me but he was coming right at me with his cart and I was tired and it was too much and I just didn't wanna be there anymore and I wanted to go home!!!

At that point, we'd already been at the park for an hour while the kids played at the water pad, then we went to Wal-mart, right as we got there I get a call from DD1's phone... hmm k? So she butt-dialed me but I answered anyway to have a man say oh yeah we found this phone. Gah!! so we go all the way back to the park and I have to get out to get the phone and then EX gives me money so I have to run and go give the money to the people as a thank you. By then I'm already worn out because my son really needs something and this herbal stuff to help with ADHD I have does not do much at all I've noticed.. so I'm hyper alert because he can just go and doesn't think too well about running clear off and I didn't want him running off with this little boy he was playing with and it was stressful as sin.

I also forgot a lot of things I was supposed to get. Diet Coke and Mentos for tomorrow.. ugh how could I forget?! that and fireworks... How do I forget fireworks for the 4th?! Hopefully some places will still have some little stuff that kids will like during the day for tomorrow.. I may need another anxiety med or two but they make me need a nap and I.. indeed did crash on the couch today for .. I don't know how long but thankfully the kids had a 'snacky' dinner tonight so.. it was.. easy/okay? *sigh*

I am worn thin, all the doctors appointments lately are wearing me out and I really know that these anti-depressants don't appear to be doing too much at all. So I guess, it's about time to go in and say "I really don't think this is right" all over again. I'm so bummed, but I just am not dong so well on this at all and I need... I need.. something because I've noticed I've been hurting myself lately and not even realizing it until I am aching a lot! I am hurting myself with my nails and just doing it without realizing it until EX notices it and then he takes my hands and just tells me to squeeze his really tightly. :(

I'm falling apart and not handling myself well. The things with the kids the past week and all the doctor stuff is really weighing me down and I am just.. falling apart as if you'd expect a 3 or 4 year old to deal with all of this information. I also got a sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! Two days in a row and now I hurt. I took the kids to the lake yesterday for about an hour and a half.. I am just.. *sigh* worn out.


Tomorrow is going to be a lot! We'll be outside a lot of the day, snacking on a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and a meat, cheese and cracker tray during the day. Then we'll be having grilled foods, then ice cream sundaes and s'mores to also celebrate my son's birthday... yes.. all this time later. It'll be good to give him all his presents aside from the DS lite I gave him (it was listed as 'broken' but all it needed was a battery charging, score!), and the game that BF gave him. EX has a DS lite game for him too, as well as a nerf sword and shield set since he's really set on dressing up as Link from the Zelda series.. well actually it's a shield with a dagger, I couldn't count that tiny thing as a sword. Then there is the present I got him from the girls, a little tank that comes with the thing for free tadpoles to watch them grow into frogs. I think he'll really like that.

I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. Blessedly the EX bought me my favorite coffee today and that made me feel better. Sadly, I was so out of it that I fell asleep before I actually finished it today!! But I did finish it when I woke up. *lesigh*

Okay... that's good for now.
I will update after tomorrow, I guess, just to see how I manage.

-Shattered

No idea for a title

Poor Dr. L was sick yesterday. So I didn't get to see her.. wait.. Thursday. I guess at this point Yesterday was Friday.

So.. I got to sit around the waiting room.
I did talk to my son's therapist/counselor about what he saw..
He see's the ADHD, he see's the ODD. But says the ODD is mild and that they should be able to work on it. He agree's about looking into medication for the ADHD, as well as working on having a set schedule and other things..

I've been more gentle with him (son) since finding out. How can I not be? I have an actual confirmation that.. it's NOT me! It's not all in MY head that he's difficult. It's not that I am a bad parent and that the EX is completely awful or anything else. It's not that he WANTS to be bad, it's just that... his brain needs some help and he needs our understanding.

The EX has been trying to get better with how he's handling him too, thank the gods for that one, because.... well... because.. The EX and my son can go at it so hard attitude wise that it can really fuck my head over something fierce and I hate it.

Today, he watched a movie with all four kids for the night. He does "Movie night" generally every other Friday night but only with the bigger girls. He watched one with all of the kids last night.. err... tonight.. whatever. They did pretty well, sure at some points he (son) got distracted, but he made it through the entire movie and I put him to bed. I'm so proud of him, he's been wanting to sleep on the futon in the playroom lately instead of in his room (it's summer, I'm allowing them to just. sleep where they want to as long as it's a comfortable place really.. more so since they've all been sick lately. Ugh, so whatever just sleep someplace as long as you sleep and don't all want to pile into my bed because I do like to sleep in my bed..

Anyway.. despite being around all those toys, he's slept fairly well! Which... is really amazing for him!

Umm,.....
Went to the Walmart we used to go to before they made a closer one.
I didn't do well there.
I had panic attack after panic attack even though I made sure to take anti-anxiety meds 20min before!!
I didn't like the layout, I didn't like the lights, I didn't like that it was the 1st and so many people were there, I didn't like the smell, I didn't like that the food section is on the other end of the store compared to the other. I didn't like it's cramped style.. it was awful. It just all set me off, eventually I just went and had to wait in the car. I was NOT doing well. But I did make it about 97% of the trip.. then I went out with three of the kids while the youngest stayed in with the ex and he paid (I gave him my money to pay for my things)... I just turned on the air in the car, the music, and laid back the seat and calmed down the best I could.

Ex bought me my favorite coffee, he had it memorized. Which is great... hehe...
I got home, put the groceries away, and needed a nap but talked to BF a little before he went to work.. then I napped. Then made dinner, then started working my... doesn't pay enough but is better than nothing at home job... then it was movie time.

Oh! We went out of town and let the kids see their uncle, aunt and cousins from Ex-h's side before they had to go back to Germany because that is where he is stationed. Ex-h's Dad, and both of his brothers are in the Military. I am surprised that the Ex-h didn't go into it after our divorce, but.. I dunno..

uhhh... yeah. Went to Krispy Kreme... spent money I didn't really have.. because... I'm dumb like that.
Got the kids each a donut as a treat, EX didn't want one, I had one too, it was marginal. Sadly their machine was broken so we didn't get to watch the donuts being made and get the free original glazed they give out when the machine works! Those things are good fresh, honestly.. that was ALL I would have wanted, but I would have given the kids a donut even after that still. They did get little sample ice creams.. that was nice.

That was before Walmart. I took my meds there because there were lots of people and they were getting all impatient with these looks while the kids were.. being kids and having trouble deciding and I was scared that my son was going to run off because he was trying to be all over the place and.. geez..

... Alright.. I think I've been all over the place this entry. Maybe I can write something better tomorrow... or whenever I feel like I can write. I am not so sure about this cymbalta crap..
I'm not feeling the urge to do shit.

-Shattered

All too much

June has been one hell of a month!

Let's see..
I went twice to get my wisdom teeth out just to have the office closed, finally got them out though! Oy.. Third time ended up the charm I get!

Oldest was sick and I thought just a flu, coughing still a bit, turns out.. Oh.. somehow she has strep but no throat pain??
Youngest has strep too, Ugh ugh ugh.
Oldest has been diagnosed with Depression and some Self Esteem problems, so counseling will focus on that for her. She gets 3 months of counseling, and then another doctors visit to see how it's going and discussing possible medication. Damn depression for being genetic!
Middle girl has been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Emotions, and got a 6 month okay for counseling which they hope will help. She's sensitive, not near as much as me but overly at times. Gods I hope this helps!
Only son today had an appointment after his doctor noticed as his yearly check-up that he's really all over the place and doesn't listen well and just is hyper and inattentive. So he had an evaluation today, and it lasted an hour instead of only half an hour. Basically, He's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. The ODD he gets a month of counseling for before coming back to see how THAT is going, and a form I had to fill out and one to give his previous K teacher because he did cause a bit of a disturbance with not sitting still, not being able to get on track, not following directions, not taking turns well, things like that for a good part of the year and had problems with classmates because of his behavior.
Youngest so far.. is the only one who didn't get diagnosed with anything but got okay'd for counseling to help with the difficulties of what's going on with me and from her dad having moved in and out and the general stress in the home..



So anyway, I was sitting there at Sons appt and I just wanted to cry. I've been seeing these behaviors and I just knew that this is not 'normal' you know?? Actually, I DID end up crying a little. *sigh* It just seems like, I've seen this all along! But everyone brushed me off about it. So I'm looking at this little booklet the doctor gives me with the symptoms and so so many of them fit him. It's not a shock, but he's (imo) combined inattentive/hyperactive/impulsive type.
6 years old and I can't get him to STOP running out into the middle of the parking lot away from him if someone is not holding his hand or sometimes even part of his shirt as he'll just go! Sometimes I feel like I am going to die of a panic attack with how absolutely reckless he can be. I'm terrified of taking him out often because in a crowd, he's wandered off in the blink of an eye! Crowds are rough on me as is but it's a good 50x harder when I've got four to look after and one can just poof be gone the way he can.

Wake up this morning and was getting a dose of  Youngest's antibiotics and dropped the bottle!! I had freaking amoxicillin ALL over me, some got on the ceiling, it was just.. nasty and sticky. It just went in this explosion out of the top of the bottle and I nearly cried but I was too tired, so I cleaned up, got her a dose (because I managed to pick up the bottle with some being still in!) and went to bed again. Ugh ugh ugh. Well okay I called the doctors before I went to sleep, a nurse called back eventually and was all "well what happened?" with that tone of voice.. ugghh..... So I explained it! Then I did Sons appt and had to get him meds because he woke up, and actually just went right back to bed! So when I finally woke up today he was asleep again! Any morning that I'm not woken up by him early and with loudness or by him causing some sort of loud drama over something or other as he screams having a fit over not being able to wait for something or for one of his sisters trying to get him NOT to walk in on them in the bathroom or do something they've asked him over and over not to do... is.. RARE here, and rather concerning. Turns out he was not feeling well, low-grade fever and ta-da a freaking ear infection!

So yay, meds for him too. Now 3 of the kids are on the same freaking antibiotic and the only one to not get sick so far from it kid wise is Middle daughter, how?? I have no idea, but I hope it stays this way!~! So I got to the pharmacy and ask for both prescriptions and I get attitude "but you just got it YESTERDAY" So I said I dropped it and they give me this look and then are all "well the insurance wont cover it" yeah duh, I know I figured as much because I just had the insurance cover it yesterday. So I had to pay outta pocket but thankfully actually EX covered it bless him for that because ugh.. money is killing me right now. No matter what I do I just seem to be drowning in it. *sigh*

So.. a month of Counseling for his ODD, and as soon as I can get his former teacher to fill out this paper we go in for another eval/talk with his pediatrician to see about the possibility of medication of some type or whatever else we can do.

I feel.. so.. heart broken over so much of this. It's been one heck of a month and I just.. am not emotionally doing very well with it but I am doing my best to struggle through it all. I feel bad that the 'just a flu' turned out to be even worse, I thought 'just rest, tylenol for any discomfort, fluids, and try and stay comfortable' was the right way to go. Neither of the girls have had pain and I just.... feel like I should have known something more was up magically somehow. The depression for the Oldest hurts my heart, I hate suffering from it and I hate to think ... well I hate to know that.. it's genetic, so.. in a way it's 'my fault'. I know that ADHD is genetic, I know my mom has it to an extent, I may have it to an extent, some of my siblings may have it to an extent.. but not to the extent that I see it in my son. For the Middle daughter, I feel so heart broken how much of my own sadness and easy to tears I see in her. I ... feel absolutely horrible that most of these problems are linked to their genetics because of all the people in the world to be their mother.. it's me..

Of course, I know that ex-h is going to look at me as the cause of so much of this. Each time my Son has been a handful he gives me a look, the finding out the kids started counseling he gave me that look again, it's all this 'it's because yer fucked up' look from him. The one I got so many times when we were married. I'm still the eternal fuck up..

-Shattered

In moments where you are lost...

... where do you find yourself?

I'm struggling again. That feeling that I have no idea who I am. I feel that way usually, but some days, it hits me in the face like a backpack full of high school text books! Painfully kicking me back down to reality as everything happy shatters.

BF has another fucking infection.
Two of the kids have strep throat yet have NO throat pain.
That flu? Fever, cough, belly ache? THAT is from the strep throat, yet neither of them admit to pain. One of them is 5, she'd admit to pain right?? I don't get it!

Oldest was said to have depression according to a doctor visit first thing in the morning. 3 month okay for therapy/counseling, and then back to the doctors to see if it's helping or if she needs more than weekly counseling and possibly.. antidepressants.

Fuck me, are you serious??

I teared up.

I am a wreck today.

BF went to the hospital again, but they didn't keep him. Just more antibiotics.
I demanded that he wash his fucking bedding already and all of it! Washer and dryer it! Get it all clean and take care of shit.. Fuck.

I went to bed gods.. I don't even know what time. But I know that I was fully up come 7..
and from there I stressed the crushing reality of money and how little I have in comparison to how much life costs.

I hate life, so much, I am so stressed out that I just .. I broke down crying. I tried to keep working my poorly paying job that I can do with the children there that doesn't matter if there is noise. One that I can do and still be here, so that I am not dropping them at some Daycare, so that I am here and can see them and tend to them.

Not like if I had an outside job I'd still have it! I've had sick children for damn near a month now! Here no matter what that is grounds for 'fuck you you don't have a job anymore'. That and the price of gas, daycare, and clothing appropriate for work, I'd never afford an outside job.. I've checked.

Fuck it all.

What do I do with myself??

Who the fuck AM I?!
-Shattered

*whimper*

It appears that when my lip was numb, I bit it. TWICE. In two different areas and it's still sore.

Good news, is that I am to the point in pain that tylenol actually helps with the pain! Thank goodness because I am all out of Vicodin, even if I did enjoy the Vicodin induced fog... >.>
It's hard to open my jaw, but I think that's because I pushed it and had no choice but to be awake and to try and eat some food too early because I ran out of pudding and didn't want only protein shakes. Okay okay, I obviously had a choice then. But I had a donut for breakfast because I squished it flat enough to get in my mouth which I can hardly open. :(

I have some stitches, I wonder if they're doing okay? Last time it fell off in a chunk, and it was only one of them and not in the same spot. I have two on each spot this time, ewww..

I did Therapy on Thursday. Again we couldn't find my file, I guess she gets all disorganized if I am not there for two weeks.. yeah I missed two weeks. I don't know why, a large part of me is afraid to go in there and get better. Even though I want to be better..

*sigh* I don't really have a point of this entry.... really I am feeling lonely though. It's been me and the youngest and the youngest got sick with the Flu and I've been all wonky because of pain killers and my mouth in general and.. yeah.. *sigh*  We've been a pair that's for sure.

Actually, yesterday, I was on pain killers and the EX took us grocery shopping. He didn't just want to take a list for me, so he had us go even though she's not feeling well and I couldn't walk straight.

Soooooo, I got to ride in the double cart with her! We didn't exceed the weight limit either since it's 200lbs and we were 5lbs away from it! Hahaha, it was awesome, though I got a fair bit of looks. >.>

I saw my aunt there, she works at the Deli.. and.. yeah ohh the EX bought me coffee and I ate it with a spoon because I can't use a straw yet. I miss using straws for things..

Okay, my mouth hurts, I should not have had that donut! I need to stick with soft foods for now it seems. >.<

I am going to go lay on the couch and watch Hello Kitty with the youngest while I hold an ice pack to my face.
Hopefully soon I'll have... something worth writing about.

FINALLY!!

I got my teeth taken out!! Yesterday!!
Two of my wisdom teeth are gone and right now I am hardly able to see straight from the effects of the pain killers. I'm loopy as hell but I know I am going to feel great about it eventually. They're gone! They're gone!!
It took forever! I waited in the waiting room for a good 3 hours! Maybe actually a little more than that. Then they took some x-rays and the dentist was all 'well you know these need pulled' they were BAD.
I got to look at them! The top one was really easy, and they had to numb me up like freaky crazy! The bottom one was a PITA to get out, and one of the roots broke off so he had to wiggle it and dig it out and when they finally did I got to flip it off! >.>

Yes, childish of me but it was scary having him there having to dig it out and I wanted to cry.

They are SO good at this place. The assistant held my hand through the worst parts of it, and the dentist guy let my rest my head up against his stomach/chest area while he was trying to get them out and they were all calm and soothing about it. Because they know I have this extreme ass fear of needles and that I was pretty nervous. I mean, 3 hours gives you a lot of time sitting there to really get all nervous no matter how many lame ass magazines you try and read. @_@; I wasn't full out crying or anything, but I've got to admit all that cracking and moving and stretching out of your lips and the uncomfortable feelings suck. Really it's the crackle sound of the tooth being pulled that is just so intense, because your brain is all 'OH HEY WOMAN  YOUR BONE IS BREAKING HERE!!!!' and you're trying not to panic at that idea.

@_@

After that, I FINALLY got to eat something! >.> I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't want nerves to make me puke, and thus I didn't get lunch for awhile. I got some ice cream at Dairy Queen to take my meds with because I learned the hard way you DO NOT WANT TO WAIT to take meds as soon as you drive to the pharmacy you usually go to. Because once that numbing stuff starts to wear off, HOLY CRAP are you in pain! I look like someone beat me up and that they focused on the right side of my face!

I also went to Chinese with the EX and the youngest. I just had some rice in soup, and some noodles and the squishy tops of broccoli because 1. I was still mostly numb at that point so.. I thought I could get away with it. 2. Those are all soft enough to just swallow whole! and 3. I'd already taken a dose of pain killers so I didn't realize at first just how much that was going to hurt.

Since then though, I've been living off of pudding cups, and not even that many of them. Well right now I blended up some Boost extra protein chocolate powder with nonfat milk and ice cubes and put whipped cream on top and I am drinking it slowly. So I can get some protein and extra nutrients while I'm all beat up and everything.

I just wanted to finally get to say that I got it done! Yay!! 3rd times the charm it seems for these two. They're all gone! *does a little dance*

Oh and it only cost $205, and I had a 'carecredit' account so that all I had to do was put it on the card and i have 6 months of no interest and I think I'll be lucky enough to be able to just make payments and get it all paid off in that 6 months! YAY!

I am extremely tired again, so.. I'm gonna go pass back out.

-Shattered

A sunny day

It took me a bit, but I finally came outside today. Went and got the youngest some sandals at target and she was upset that we couldn't find any of the ones she actually wanted in her size. Somehow, her shoe size has gotten bigger than I expected! Poor girl was crying at one point. :( But I found some Dora sandals that had some pink on them and they were clearanced so she was happy with them.

We got coffee at the starbucks inside target (only because I can use my target card.. >.>) and came home so she could change shoes then we came outside. I sat around sketching while she played with the neighbor boy. At times, I nervously talked with his mom and admitted I had no friends when she told me that they are having a BBQ this Sunday and I could invite my friends. -_-;

So she said, well I can come and mingle and then make some friends. I said... I would try. I know for sure the youngest would love to be able to come outside and play with the neighbor kids and any other kids that will be there, and I think... THINK I can manage it?

I've been off the computer for hours and I'm actually proud of myself for doing so. It was nice to just sketch something for some reason, it's good to draw for myself. Perhaps I can finally get back to that project I have been neglecting since I went on hiatus in February! Gah! I can't believe I did that. *sigh*

I can get back to it... really I can..

Today has been... one of those days.
Yesterday I couldn't remember if I took my Cymbalta and how I felt like death warmed over this morning was more of less the indication I needed to know that, for sure.. I did not indeed take it yesterday. I felt absolutely horrid! Uggh..
I felt better after I took my dose for today and had some food, of which I should likely look into getting myself some. I'll I've had is breakfast and that coffee. Oops, okay okay and a couple of Goldfish crackers.

I am sitting outside right now, on a chair at this really beat up table on the porch, listening to the birds chirp while the sun sinks into the distance.

The youngest is just over in the neighbors house (duplex that's attached to ours), and I can hear them from the opened sliding door. I'm not in there... because.. well I dunno, I didn't go in because it was her that was invited. But I am staying outside just because I don't want to seem like I am ditching her. Is that odd? Maybe... yeah it most likely is! I could just be inside instead of being attacked by bugs anyway!

There isn't much to say aside from that really.
I aced my final in class, and I am not enjoying a summer break. Well, I guess I am? I have been just sort of.. I've been trying not to sleep too much for lack of knowing what to do. I don't know why, but I find myself up super super late lately. Back to old childhood/teenager years habits. Up late, not want to wake up until late. Needless to say that is not a good combination with a kid, or kids around. So I am struggling to work against that right now. I thought that antidepressants would make stuff like that easier? Then again.. no, I also should be using that over the counter thyroid medicine I got or something like that.. hmmm

I don't even know if it was helping. I don't even know IF there is a problem with my thyroid. I don't even know, what all is wrong with me. I just know that I wish I felt.. more normal and alive and happy and.. something??
blah

-Shattered

He's no good for me.

I notice any extra time around my ex is extremely stressful. Even just the little things. I panic attack more easily, I don't rest well that night, my stomach feels in knots, and in general things get miserable.

He was a jerk to my son the other day, and was kinda a PITA this morning. I had him come over so I could make him a Father's Day breakfast. And he ended up getting all pissy because for a second I was wrong on what his birthday was. For 1, he NEVER wanted to celebrate it, ever. So, we just tended to not really do much. For 2, I was off by two days and have actually dated someone with the date I said before I said "wait no, it's the 19th, sorry" got he got all pissy and left anyway. Blah.

Sorry dude, I  haven't been sleeping well and I woke up early on a SUNDAY to make you breakfast, and I did, french toast, scrambled eggs, 2lbs of bacon, and OJ.. I don't just do that for anyone on a Sunday. So.. yeah, sorry if my brain doesn't work right?

Anyway, I am trying to get over being upset, but yeah.. I realize I feel much better inside when I don't have to spend much time with him. *sigh*

Aside from that.. The oldest three children are gone for a week. So it's just the youngest and I..
I am finally off of school, but waiting for the grade from my final.

Other than that... I guess I'm okay.
Starting tomorrow I am going to start seriously working on my diet and exercising again!!

Wish me luck on that. @_@

-Shattered

Who saw it coming...?

That..yet.. AGAIN...

The dentist was closed.
Of course, I need to stop being afraid of the phone, so I can call and check the same day. But last I saw they'd be open after that one break and .. yeah.. No.

Anyway, to make the trip out there not completely a waste I visited one of my favorite Asian markets in the area. Granted my favorite one is clear over in Seattle (Uwajimaya, I love you so much.. I can't wait to go there again!), this one is better than not having one at all. Like where I live, the best you can get is pretty much from what little Asian sections certain grocery stores get now. Still, it IS better than when I was younger. You can often get both Strawberry and Chocolate types of Pocky from Wal-mart and other grocery stores. I tend to prefer more than just those two, even if Chocolate is a good regular standby.

I am a fairly big fan of Japanese food. Sushi, Yakisoba, Edamame, Okonomiyaki, various Japanese Pan (bread), various Japanese snacks, Japanese drinks (soda etc) and of course.. Japanese Cheesecake. *drools*

I got two little individual Japanese Cheesecakes today. They're packaged as "Cheese Mushi Cake," and although I probably should not admit to using part of my food budget on snacks.. I did indeed do so. I also got Calbee snowpea chips. They're delicious as well! I gave a bag to my second one, as well as a pack of Orange Hi-chew, and some  Hazelnut Yan-yan. Which actually isn't Japanese but still rather yummy..

Um... other than that. I am exhausted, I was up until 5 because I was having major panic issues. Then I got up at 8:20ish, and finally got around to getting a nap sometime around 2:30pm. Oi. It's been one of those days.

I am coffee'd up right now, so I best go work on my final and pray for the best!

Wednesday, I will be calling on Tuesday to see if the dentist will be open.. THEN I will be getting these darn teeth taken care of! >.>

-Shattered

Nerves and stresses.

GAH!
Tomorrow I am getting my teeth pulled. The EX was being a jerk earlier..  so much for being nicer now that we don't talk much. He was giving me hell for my financial situation and I told him it's none of his business really if I needed help paying a bill and I am closed to max on one of my credit cards. Kids are fed, clothes are clean, rent is paid, lights are on, and they're OKAY. So what if BF had to help me pay for internet (because without it I couldn't do school??) *sigh* whatever.

Then he gave me this huge attitude on if I would have enough money to pay him for gas to take me to my appointment and back tomorrow (because even if I drove myself, how would I get back while needing massive pain killers for having two wisdom teeth pulled? Yeah.. not worth the risk of driving home from the next state over like that!). I told him I WOULD have the money and even though it took me 6 hours to earn the damn $15 bucks I DID indeed earn it so he can just chill out. He was all "are you REALLY going to earn it or are you just going to get it from J?" J = BF. I said "I'm actually working on earning it RIGHT now"

Then he was all on me about how do I know I'll even earn it on time and if he should even bother not sleeping in tomorrow because it's a day off for him and if there is no gas money there is no point and bla bla bla and I started crying then I stopped myself and just got really quiet because it really hurt that he was like that. OMG. I NEED these damn things out that is why I said I would pay for gas money and he's not even paying for me to get them taken out so it's none of his business aside from yes, taking the time to take me on his day off (I took him because he 'needed' two of his out but then didn't.. so.. okay.. favor repaid?? but nooo..).
Being out of pain in my mouth and head and shoulder because the pain radiates and hurts like a giant ass bitch because they're in so much pain would be a REALLY good thing don't you know it?

I mean, if I had an option of asking someone else and having it be easy.. that's be a different thing all together. *sigh* Anyway, I got the money, and told him but he hasn't responded. Gah. I just want this done and over with.

It's so late, and my final is due Saturday but I am going to be drugged up on pain meds and just in a massive world of wonkiness. Which means right now I need to get my start and then PRAY on whatever there is to pray on in the universe that I can get this thing done and WELL by the end of Saturday and get this class done and happily enjoy my 8 1/2 week break..

So... I'm nervous about getting two wisdom teeth out, insanely so. @_@ Last time my mouth was in so much pain and I could hardly open my jaw for a couple of weeks! That was the left hand side and that was ONLY one tooth, not too. Yikes! I also need to have them look at two of my front teeth and see if they are even worth saving or if I will need another visit and a set of partial dentures because they're in absolute horrid condition! Purely horrid condition. I was not raised with very good hygiene practices. Dental or otherwise! On top of that I am absolutely cursed with weak teeth by genetics (ugh thank you sperm donor 'dad'!).

Blessedly all of the kids have had it better than me teeth wise! I tell them to brush, floss, and do it because if they don't they could very well suffer as much as me and they don't want that and nor do I. For the most part.. they appear to be listening. Aside from a couple of minor cavities in my oldest from her teeth being really close together (like mine) and from not flossing (my bad.. when she was younger I didn't really think of it.. since it was never pushed in my family... actually not much was....), she had a couple of tiny ones. But nothing near as horrific as what I've had since I was little by a long shot! I pray to keep it that way!

________________

On an entirely different topic.

I worry that my 'being okay' with BF's working hours means that I don't love him as much anymore as I did before? Does that make sense? His schedule is crazy as! It's never the same because he works 'Casual' at a grocery. Casual isn't part time though, I'm not even sure what it would be considered here in the states. Maybe it's just an Australian thing? No idea, I could just be completely clueless on the thing! Anyway. Like I said, schedule never the same. Sometimes he'll have LOTS of shifts and then on his first day off they call him in and I will admit I am a bit like "agh but I need you too!" but at the same time I am getting to the point where I can say "I wish you could say no, but.. I know that it's good that they want to give you hours. Anything to get you here by December."

Is this good? Or is this bad?? I have no idea. It's scary. I don't know how normal of a thing it is, but I am scared that it means I don't love him and I have no idea.

Shit.. that sounds silly doesn't it?

I miss him, he's at work right now. He gets off in an hour and 11 minutes unless they keep him extra time. Which I suppose they could... I hope not! I'll be up at least a couple of hours while I get to work on my final! @_@;

I think, during my 8 1/2 week break. I really ought to look further into planning our wedding!!

1/2/12! I can't wait!

-Shattered

Lots of thinking

The difference between BPD and Stockholm Syndrome

for a moment, I forgot how I even came across this. Then I remembered, after getting bored trying to find a different blog that is entirely not BPD related, I went to search for BPD blogs just to see....
Okay okay, that and I wanted to see where in search results I landed because curiosity got the better of me..

I figure, from reading this, and it is an interesting read considering that the title of the post alone got my interest! That I would fall under this:

The Waif lives in intense emotional chaos, forming deeply enmeshed relationships with others who (they hope) can manage their emotions for them, turning to addictions to self-soothe, living in a permanent pattern of suicidal crashes and panic attacks as both an expression of their pain and a way to attract soothing attention – “Life is too hard.”


Reading things further, I began to wonder.. is my older sister suffering from BPD?

Because if so, I think she really switches in between these two!

• The Queen acts like super-entitled and possibly insane royalty, demanding and intimidating, refusing any kind of responsibility or consequences, alternately charming and vindictive – “It’s all about me!”
• The Witch can be equally intimidating, using rage and emotional or physical violence instead of charm, thinking that everyone is out to get them on one level or another, motivated by fear and suspicion and seeking out self-esteem and the illusion of power by harming others – “I’ll get you, my pretty!”

These two fit my oldest sister FAR FAR too well for their own good. Then again, I suppose it could also be that she is indeed just a sociopath..
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

That REALLY does fit her as well. Which is scary.
*sigh*
Sometimes I think a little too heavily don't I? IT would be nice to stop that, then again I do enjoy being able to think on things and research and make some kind of connection within... well the thoughts in my head.

Still, despite a lot of what I am reading. I am realizing that more and more, I am lucky to have realized my issues when I did. Though I struggle a lot, I have been trying hard to work through many of the issues within my BPD.

It used to be, when BF got offered an extra shift at work (extra shift = more money for him to get here and all that) I would be sad and upset and hurt if he accepted it. Sometimes I'd even beg him to just say no. Every now and again he'd just say no because he knew I'd be upset. Yet this past weekend over there, he got offered a long shift on Sunday. Where he's at, any hours on Sunday gets paid as "over time" aka time and a half. Good money. I think roughly $250 just for a day of work alone. I wasn't even upset at the idea, he was worried I would be though but I was able to say without much more than a slight bit of disappointment at not getting to see him much that day "Go ahead and do it, I'll be able to talk to you at least a little before hand, and maybe even text you during your break"

And I did.
I made it through that entire shift while.. bored not having him online to speak to.. and I didn't feel awful. I didn't feel abandoned and upset that he didn't want to be on his computer talking to me for hours on end..

I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF for it!

Is that strange? I don't know, it could be a little, but it is a small victory for me.
I've also moved past feeling upset or bothering with the issues from what happened with the EX in regards to the youngest ones birthday party. It's been awhile since that party, and we don't talk as much anymore.. but.. it is what it is. Or "What is.. is". I can't change how he feels on the subject, I walked away from the argument, and though I felt hurt at first on the reaction and how things wet... You know what? It's okay. I'm okay.

Despite that too, he got over the issue as well. Upon learning of the death of 'my Krabby one' .. yes.. that is/was my term of affection for that cute little fiddler crab. He talked me through the worst of the feelings at first, and said if indeed Krabby was dead (there were doubts, as they can appear dead whilst molting...) that he would be sure to buy me a tank that the cat couldn't get into (his cat that is still in my care, because his place requires a $250 pet deposit and he doesn't want her to be lonely all day while he's at work..), and a couple of crabs to replace it. Today he came over after work and looked over Krabby with me. I gently took him/her (never did find out it's gender.. but I've always just referred to Krabby as 'him'.. for some reason..) out of the tank and put him on my hand. Gave it a gentle petting and showed him (EX).. tears in my eyes. He gave me hugs and stood around and talked a little. Telling me that I still did a good job taking care of my Krabby one.. because he'd witnessed it more than a few times. I cried up against him about how I probably killed him on accident somehow and I don't know how! I'd cleaned his tank like usual, and tried to be careful and put things in just right.. De-chlorinated the water, put in just enough of the 'instant ocean' salt to make the water brackish, and made sure he had one dried shrimp and a food pellet!

He is probably right, though, on the fact that I could have indeed gotten Krabby at the end of his life. He was not in good health when I 'rescued' him from the incorrect living conditions of Wal-mart. Which claim that the fiddler crabs are fresh water and just need to be in a tank full of water. When really what they need is a smallish amount of Brackish water, and dry areas to get on so they are not always under the water. They didn't even know what food to feed the poor thing, I found that out at an actual petshop... Still, fiddlers tend to live 1-2 years, and I had Krabby for 1/3 of a year in total. Perhaps just a little over that actually, since I got him when BF was still here for his visit around my birthday..

He said that, if Krabby was more 'sentient' he would have been happy and thankful of how well I took care of him after he was saved from Wal-mart and how they kept him. How he loved me too and it was probably just his time. We even made plans on how I will put Krabby into his final resting place.

Krabby will be buried in the earth, in the tiny little garden area on the ground just after our front porch/decky thing..
Once the weather clears up.. or perhaps.. even before it. He deserves peace, and he will not get that if I merely flush him down the toilet as though I did not care for him at all...

I felt somewhat better after that, even if... still... losing that little guy is still painful to think of.

The last time I lost a pet to death, was when I was pregnant with my oldest. It was right around my birthday, and my chat P-chan had been suffering from distemper. He could hardly walk that day.. and I had him curled up in a blanket on my chest. Gently petting him.. he was so weak, and so tired. The last thing he did was gently lick me.. before he shuddered his last breath.. and died there in my arms. At least I know.. he died with his mommy, still I was torn up about it for awhile. P-chan had been rescued off the street. A sweet long haired tortoise-shell runt of a cat who was smart and sweet. He'd come to me at my computer chair, I would dangle my arm down and say "up-up!" and he'd wrap his paws/arms and legs around me and hold on while I lifted him up into my lap where he'd curl up and nuzzle me, eventually falling asleep.

EX's cat is fairly sweet, she's been sweeter lately and hasn't been too mean to the kids..
She's been giving me lots of loves and nuzzles, and seems to know when I am feeling down and offers more of them. I appreciate it, it is comforting at times, and she seems pretty smart in her own way. "Us nom?" Is what we ask around meal times. Which is first thing in the morning, and then at our dinner time. She will perk up, and follow you to get the food, follow you to her bowl, and wait while you serve her up all while purring and sometimes even nuzzling you in thanks.

It would still be nice if she'd stay off the counter, and if she'd stop wanting to play with the water in Krabby's tank.

Goodness, it's later than I intended to go to bed. All over again. It's 12:56AM... It'd be good if I got some rest now.

Goodnight!

-Shattered