10 July, 2011

What I found

That I shouldn't have..
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.


Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.

After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.

Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.

Um.. okay.

So what I found?

The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.

Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.

Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.

Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.


Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.

Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..

*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.

My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.

Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.


Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.



  1. It sucks when your sleep is out of whack. I think you're right, and taking your ADs at lunchtime wouldn't help you sleep early. It's sad your ex thought all those things, and it's good to have some compassion for him.

    I feel better when I watch shows like Hoarders too. Even though I'm not that far off being THAT nutso LOL.

  2. Not being able to sleep or oversleeping is horrible. I haven't overslept for a while but I do struggle with not sleeping. I always wake around 3am, no matter what time I go to sleep. My pdoc told me that I am not allowed to know the time so my phone is over the otherside of the room as he thinks looking at the time is waking me up. I don't agree because when I don't know the time, I wake up for the longest time and wonder what time it is. I agree about those TV shows too, they do make you feel a little better don't they!