I don't wanna be here! I wanna go home!!

Yet another Wal-mart run in the past couple of days... and yet again I panicked out.
I was trying to go to the bathroom today and some guy nearly rammed his cart against me! He saw me there, I made sure no one was moving and then he comes right out me! So I hide against the wall out of the way and put my hands over my face. An older man sitting there in an electric wheeled-cart and goes to EX "Someone's tired" when I did it and EX had noticed and came over to make sure I was okay.

Ex said yeah and she has pretty bad anxiety. Guh... I felt embarrassed. I whimpered about that guy was going to hit me and he saw me but he was coming right at me with his cart and I was tired and it was too much and I just didn't wanna be there anymore and I wanted to go home!!!

At that point, we'd already been at the park for an hour while the kids played at the water pad, then we went to Wal-mart, right as we got there I get a call from DD1's phone... hmm k? So she butt-dialed me but I answered anyway to have a man say oh yeah we found this phone. Gah!! so we go all the way back to the park and I have to get out to get the phone and then EX gives me money so I have to run and go give the money to the people as a thank you. By then I'm already worn out because my son really needs something and this herbal stuff to help with ADHD I have does not do much at all I've noticed.. so I'm hyper alert because he can just go and doesn't think too well about running clear off and I didn't want him running off with this little boy he was playing with and it was stressful as sin.

I also forgot a lot of things I was supposed to get. Diet Coke and Mentos for tomorrow.. ugh how could I forget?! that and fireworks... How do I forget fireworks for the 4th?! Hopefully some places will still have some little stuff that kids will like during the day for tomorrow.. I may need another anxiety med or two but they make me need a nap and I.. indeed did crash on the couch today for .. I don't know how long but thankfully the kids had a 'snacky' dinner tonight so.. it was.. easy/okay? *sigh*

I am worn thin, all the doctors appointments lately are wearing me out and I really know that these anti-depressants don't appear to be doing too much at all. So I guess, it's about time to go in and say "I really don't think this is right" all over again. I'm so bummed, but I just am not dong so well on this at all and I need... I need.. something because I've noticed I've been hurting myself lately and not even realizing it until I am aching a lot! I am hurting myself with my nails and just doing it without realizing it until EX notices it and then he takes my hands and just tells me to squeeze his really tightly. :(

I'm falling apart and not handling myself well. The things with the kids the past week and all the doctor stuff is really weighing me down and I am just.. falling apart as if you'd expect a 3 or 4 year old to deal with all of this information. I also got a sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! Two days in a row and now I hurt. I took the kids to the lake yesterday for about an hour and a half.. I am just.. *sigh* worn out.


Tomorrow is going to be a lot! We'll be outside a lot of the day, snacking on a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and a meat, cheese and cracker tray during the day. Then we'll be having grilled foods, then ice cream sundaes and s'mores to also celebrate my son's birthday... yes.. all this time later. It'll be good to give him all his presents aside from the DS lite I gave him (it was listed as 'broken' but all it needed was a battery charging, score!), and the game that BF gave him. EX has a DS lite game for him too, as well as a nerf sword and shield set since he's really set on dressing up as Link from the Zelda series.. well actually it's a shield with a dagger, I couldn't count that tiny thing as a sword. Then there is the present I got him from the girls, a little tank that comes with the thing for free tadpoles to watch them grow into frogs. I think he'll really like that.

I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. Blessedly the EX bought me my favorite coffee today and that made me feel better. Sadly, I was so out of it that I fell asleep before I actually finished it today!! But I did finish it when I woke up. *lesigh*

Okay... that's good for now.
I will update after tomorrow, I guess, just to see how I manage.

-Shattered