25 July, 2011

My Nightmares

Often involve my mother. Usually, she is not listening to me and leaves me defenseless in a situation where I am quickly overwhelmed. Much like my childhood. Where I was the misunderstood, unwanted 'black sheep' of the family. Despite striving my best to do my best for her, it was never enough to make me anything but that.

Even though my oldest sister started having sex with far older men at the age of 12, and even had her first abortion. I was the bad one.

I had another such dream last night.
Perhaps I feel bad because I did not adhere to my mothers request of coming over yesterday to hang out before going to get the kids? I felt like if I did go over there she'd put me to work painting or ripping up carpeting. Not exactly my ultimate feeling of a visit, is going and ripping up carpeting or getting roped into painting walls. More so on a Sunday.

My sleep is still pretty awful. Though last night I made it to bed shortly after 1:30AM, I was up again at 6:00AM with wicked pain from my tooth that needs the root canal. I still cannot afford it, and likely wont be able to anytime soon.

Yesterday, my desktop computer died. This is a BAD thing, as school starts on the 18th of August and I need my desk top for school. It is stronger than my laptop, and has the programs I need. Plus I just prefer to work with something that I don't have to place on my lap. Not that I mind my laptop, it allows me to be online where ever I can get access to wireless... it is just that I am very used to the comfort of my desktop, and I am frustrated to see it go kaput. I started it up yesterday, intent to sketch and then work one of my crappy low-paying work at home jobs once I got the kids to bed.. and not long later the computer froze.

After that, it will turn on and nothing else. Of course I did my usual routine of things that help it. Only to realize that I need a new CPU fan, and the Power Supply is not giving enough power. Thankfully, it is not something worse like the actual CPU, the hard drive (I would lose all my college work so far, all my pictures of the children, and my art!!), the Mobo or the video card.. but it is a frustrating loss none the less!

I am close to bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
Pain and suffering sleep does nothing to make my mood any better, and I am growing increasingly frustrated with life lately.

I found a job on CL that may just be right up my alley, the hours appear to be close to perfect, and it is not dealing face to face with people. It is working back in a stockroom for a shop, and you know.. I think I can do that. No possible customers to get in my face and yell, or sigh, or eyeroll, smack their lips, glare, shit like that? Yeah, it sounds good.

Oh, and another frustration, someone left a note on a previous entry, and.. I meant to click the link in email to allow the note. Instead, I accidentally clicked the delete, and there is no possible restore for the message!! Ugh!! I am frustrated and angry at myself!

After my 25 minutes up to take pain killers and use an ice pack on my face I managed to get back to sleep until 9. Then my son woke me up to ask if he could quietly play on the Wii, I said sure.. as long as it's quietly I don't care!

I got out of bed at 9:30AM to see the my second daughter putting dishes away from the dish washer.
Not only did the PUT them away, she reloaded and ran the dishwasher!! Awww. Some light for all the darkness lately.


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