31 January, 2011

Yay brownie!

Finally got(made) brownies.
I only had one box of mix, and didn't have a 'proper' pan and I didn't want thin brownies... bleeeeh...

Anyway... before I get into that story.

Got the kids to bed, sat around reading more stuff that made me feel awful about how people look at people who suffer from BPD like I do. Guh "Take your kids and RUN AWAY!"
Seriously?? As if we have no chance to ever be better people with therapy and all that?

Sorry, but I am going to do whatever I can, as hard as it's going to be, to be a better person for myself, for the kids, for BF, for everyone I know as well. I don't want anyone to run away, I want to get better, I realize that I have problems. I see them, I don't like them, I am going to do whatever it takes to fix them no matter how painful that is!

Anyway... eventually Ex comes in here to see how I'm doing (he noticed me crying over reading those comments..), so I rested my head up against his side and he rubbed at my back and I just had to try not to cry, but I did a little anyway. Then, he said "hey look, you still have chocolate!" because somehow I haven't eaten the entire box of chocolates he bought me (there's only 9 in a box, figure how someone who loves chocolate like I usually do hasn't finished that yet?! heheh), and offers me one.. so I eat it while he rubs at my back a bit more.

I mumble "I still want brownies... can you get me brownies?"

He answers with a somewhat mopey "but it's cold outside, and I don't want to go out. Why not make brownies?"

"I don't  have a pan that works, I only have one box of mix and need two..."

"Come on" he said, patting my back and heading towards the kitchen, "let's go make some brownies okay?" reassuring and comforting in his tone of voice. I felt better, even though I still didn't see a way to make brownies with only one box and a 13x9 pan which would make too thin of brownies for me.

"What about the glass pan?" He says, opening the cabinet where I keep the pans.

"No, it's 13x9 too... so they'll be too thin"

"What about that one?"

"But it's small and round and they'll be too thick." I protest with a sigh, looking at the brownie mix box that I pulled out of the cabinet I keep it in. If I had cocoa powder I'd  have made them by scratch, I've had this mix for a couple months because I had a coupon and it was on sale so it was cheap.... Heh.

"What's wrong with thick brownies?"

"... I dunno.."

"Come on, lets make some brownies" He was all reassuring again.

"Yeah, thick brownies are good" I pull out the pan and measure it. "Oh, It's 8".. it should work fine, but I might want to eat the entire pan.."

So, he stood in the kitchen eating chips as I made the brownie mix and put it in the oven. We sat on the floor and he talked about stuff for his video game that was actually kind of interesting really. Mostly it was downloadable content stuff for Fallout 3 he was talking about, telling me what kind of things people had made and what kind of choices you had to have your character make and how some of them were pretty hard. Some of them were kind of sad too.

It was nice, I really appreciate how much more supportive he's been since I told him what's going on. I appreciate that he's trying and I'm trying too. I really am!

I went on a walk today with the oldest and her friend to the library. I managed to talk to the librarian for a second to ask her a question for her friend that she was too scared/shy to ask. I was a little scared/shy too, but I managed without getting upset and scared and crying. So... I'll take it as a good thing, it's a good thing, I couldn't have done that a few months ago.

I managed to do some work type stuff today, I had some energy and actually did things. I showered, I made two things, I took that walk, I made dinner, I made brownies, I finally let the news be known about all of this in a note on facebook for my family and friends to see.

Oh, and I had 1/4 of that round pan of brownies. Oops? That's a fair chunk of calories for brownies, and with how obsessed I've been to try and be good with my diet this past year.. I'm surprised I allowed it.
Still, it was warm, it had frosting, it was a brownie and I am finally over the craving! So I will make sure the kids get some brownie loveliness tomorrow. Hmmmm, after school, not before.


Earlier, Ex and oldest were playing this computer game together. Some MMO thing that I just couldn't get into. I don't really get into the whole MMO thing, just not my cuppa yanno?

So, I was sitting here, reading hateful hurtful things people were saying. Just feeling hopeless, like I was doomed to be this awful person with no one who could want to be around me because of all of this. Like even though I am going to do my absolute best to get better, it wont matter. They will all hate me, him the kids, BF, my family, everyone in the entire universe ever ever. It was soul crushing, so I sat here listening to music and was crying.

I just wanted to die, I wanted to end it, I wanted some quick and easy way out to get it all over with so they didn't have to suffer me anymore. I didn't want anyone to suffer me anymore.

I didn't want to suffer me anymore.

Ex must have noticed somehow over his music in his headphones (I have my music in my headphones today, I am feeling a little withdrawn and not wanting to subject everyone in the house to my music today. Not that anyone has ever really complained, I don't play it so loud that it's a disturbance... or anything like that I guess.

So, he comes in and just hugs me and stroked my hair, eventually oldest comes in and asks what's wrong so I explain to her that I'm worried that her and her siblings will feel the same about me someday. That no matter how much I try and get better from what I'm going through, they'll hate me.

She said "That's stupid, why would people hate you for having something wrong with your brain like that?" "Why would we hate you?" "We'll never hate you"

I apologized, I said I was sorry, for the times that I do get mad and I yell and just have to walk away. Like I do when it happens, I walk away or I tell them to just get away because I can't handle things right now. At least I can admit that, when I can't handle it, that I just need them to go downstairs, or go play a game, or go and do something to give me time to process and get myself under control. This is a GOOD thing right? This is something that isn't as bad as just going off and yelling, screaming, possibly hurting people. It's all I can think of to cope, go and find a way to calm down so I can go back to them once I do and say I was sorry. That I didn't mean to get as upset as I did and that I'm not sure why it happened, but I do love them and it wasn't that big of a deal.. I just couldn't handle (whatever it was) right then.

Hopefully, that's a good thing to do. Hopefully it's not that damaging. God I am trying so hard to do this right, to not fuck them up, to not fuck this up, to not fuck anything up. I just want them to understand that I love them, I love them even when I am angry or upset or hurting and I can't express myself in a way that is 'proper' and 'appropriate' right then. So it's easier to just tell them that we need to not be around each other for that moment.

I hope they know how much I love them.

They're one of the biggest reasons I'm doing my best to work through all this, despite how bad it is..


Edited to add: I am in love with P!NK's song "Fuckin' Perfect". I've been playing it on repeat, and even though I cry sometimes that it's playing, the song really feels empowering. Lots of her music really is like that, full of self-loving type messages. She's really something special.

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