Sukoshi demo ii kikasete...

Please let me hear, even a little...

That's what the title there means.

I am not sure exactly why I am feeling what I am feeling.

I'm feeling invisible, ignored, unwanted, like no one gives a damn but BF..

I know he gives a damn, and he's the only one that seems to give much of a damn..

Though that's not true.

I just get too blinded in this self loathing and inability to move past sadness that I cannot help myself.

Poor guy has had to work early a lot this week. Though will have a good few days off in a row so we'll get to spend lots of time 'together.'

T questioned me again on when he was moving here. I gave him the same answer, I don't know when/if. To be honest, moving from another country to the US is NOT an easy process. It's not a cheap process either. It takes a lot of planning and a lot of stuff to do it.. LEGALLY. You know? I don't want him to come here and be all illegal immigrant and start all that issues. When we do this, I want to do this the right way.

I'm still a little dazed on pain killers. Having a molar pulled is not a happy process. I also cannot tell if I really do need the other tooth pulled as the first dentist suggested, or if it's just as the second suggested and it was only pain from one. I wont know for a few more days how I feel after this one just being pulled. So I wont really know probably until next week if the other has to go as well. I just know that I am uncomfortable, and the weird gap in the back of my mouth makes it hard to speak and sing properly. My tongue gets all squished in their awkwardly, and I have strange kind of lispy sound to my voice sometimes. It's also REALLY difficult to avoid the stitches in there.  I am really hopeful they'll dissolve before they drive me nuts! 

I managed to be productive today, at least somewhat. I put away a load of dishes, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, ran another dishwasher full of dishes, and cleaned all the linoleum in the front of the upstairs part of the house. I was going to get to the bathrooms, but just didn't before I needed pain killers again because my mouth/jaw was killing me. I also folded half of "laundry mountain". Or more like, I folded the clothes for only son and the youngest. I still  have to get to the oldest ones clothes and the second ones clothes as well. The Bigger girls have more clothing. I also have to get uniform clothing put away, since they have school uniforms. Though I may set them about the task of hanging up the shirts and getting them put in their.....

sh*t.. T is home.

I have to  go!

edit: he doesn't know I have this blog. I'd like to keep it that way. This is my private place... I guess I'll write later when he's in bed.