28 January, 2011

Not so sure how I feel right now.

But I'm a bit out of sorts, having difficulty actually stringing words right now and talking or typing clearly.
I keep having to press the backspace to fix extreme typo's! Like a typo demon has permanently attached himself to me today!

I took the meds at 7:30 AM. So, about 3 hours and 26 minutes ago. I've decided I need to take them right when my second alarm goes off on the weekdays. Yes, I set myself three alarms and sometimes then have to set one another time, or snooze or something. Waking up is a process otherwise I just cannot handle doing it in the morning. I hate early morning so hard. Gah!

So I've decided (which came out as 'cdied' there for a second, the heck??!) that I'll just make sure that at 7:30 every morning I at least stumble out of bed enough to take my Wellbutrin, and if it's the weekend and I am going to 'sleep in' I can just go back to bed unless I can't sleep in which case I wont and maybe I'll find something to do.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now, aside from the light headed and somewhat blurry eyed and just a little out of sorts as far as clarity. I have homework I have due today and I'm stressing it because I can't even focus to save my life on any kind of design. How on earth am I going to manage this?

How does my brother know that I'm struggling after finding out what I've found out?? I haven't told a single person in my family because I don't want any judgement and I know they're mostly really harsh and I just cannot deal with it. Hell a bit of the issues stem from harsh judgement from them when I was younger and I just don't want them to realize how bad it really truly is for me. Not like I talk to them much anyway.
I was going to go sing at Karaoke last night and see my dad, but yet again I just didn't have the energy and 'will' to go. I was considering it Wednesday but couldn't manage either.

I haven't gone since November, since BF was here visiting and I went with him last. Him having to go clear back home really did make everything a further struggle. I thought after a couple weeks I was better but then I'm realizing I'm still having a harder time of it and it being winter and me having SAD on top it all and it SERIOUSLY started snowing the day he left. I mean, it was, just an awful day all around. :(

I have no idea if I have energy, but I feel somewhat jittery. Not as bad as some meds before, and not as bad as diet meds.

I have also like, crap all for an appetite! Ummm, hmmm, that doesn't really help considering I was already having problems remembering to eat/eating in general. So I've had all off 150 calories today and it's 11:04 AM and I've been awake since 9:28 AM.
Okay, actually when I look at it that way it's not really all that bad at all.

Do I want to take a shower? I have no idea, I didn't yesterday, but I did the day before, so it's probably a good idea. I wonder if I should take the time to blowdry my hair again so it's straighter, even though that makes it look all fluffy and strange.. or just let it dry even though it takes hours but then at least it's all wavy. Even though I kind of hate the inbetween waviness that is my hair usually.
I want curls, but I have curling irons and curlers and my hair doesn't want to hold anything in because it's a giant butthead.


About my brother! So, we don't talk much. Honestly yesterday is the first time I think I've heard from him since I brought him his Christmas present of some Baklava that I made because that's what he wanted for Christmas. To be honest I didn't bake at all my usual amount of baked goods this Christmas and even when I'm depressed that is so unusual for me. I think it's because I've taken my diet to the extreme sometimes and have issues even getting the minimum 1200 a woman needs all too often and I'm trying REALLY hard not to do that and I have been above that 'starvation' line the past couple of days so hopefully I'll be okay I just have to remember to eat and make sure that I'm not obsessing too much.

Ahh!! brother! right!
Why can't I get to the point? Obviously I appear to have a lot to share so we'll just go with it?

So I get a text from him Yesterday. You know? The day after the diagnosis that I got so I wasn't feeling all too wonderful. He doesn't text me often, we don't talk like I said, so it was just strange. When I saw his name on the notification I was wondering what he wanted, because usually he only texts when he has a question or wants me to do something or something like that.

So his text read "Morning sis. Have a great day today and dont let anything get you down. Remember to smile at least once if not for yourself then to brighten everyone elses day."

Strange right? I know he doesn't know about this blog because not even my friends know about this blog the only people that know about it are me and BF. Wait well I did tell JW that I am writing so she knows about it too, but no one else really from that. Which is okay, since it's more for me to process than anything else I guess. I just need a place to vent and somehow this is better than my old online diary which just doesn't feel like I should talk about all this stuff since the people there that know me and I just worry about what they'd think and it's this cycle of ... blah!

So, he texts me again this morning. Now it's getting really strange. Two days in a row?

"Tgif amirite? *g* hope you have a good friday. take out some time and do something for yourself"

I dunno, I mean I appreciate it, but did he have a dream or something that made him think of me? Usually I don't think any of my family really thinks about me much at all. It took me awhile to stop trying to bend over backwards and be nice and try and do things to not make people angry/disappointed/ect and killing people with kindness wasn't really helping me much anyway so I just withdrew.

It feels good, whatever it is it feels good. I'm glad I accepted his apology for his past behavior and that I hear from him every once in awhile.

Uh oh, I have that on the verge of tears thing welling up right now. Though it's slower than normal, and .. huh. That's just nuts, so weird they feel stuck in there. Wow, is that a score one for the meds that I could write about all this and not actually end up crying??? I've still got that tightness in my chest a little, and the stinging in my eyes, and the pressure in my sinuses I get right before I cry. But it's not going further and now it's slowly fading.

That is one of the strangest feelings ever, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about it.

I'm scared...
Really scared.

What kind of person am I under all of this? Who am I under all of this?
What will I be like?

See those tears again because every time I worry about that it's a touchy thing, but they're not coming all the way. Then again I guess that IS good, but it IS still scary.

I need someone to hold me for a little bit, :( too bad BF is so damn far away. I can't wait until he's here for my Birthday.. I really can't. Hopefully by then I'm a bit more stable though. Actually, I know I will be since it's over a month away. Still, I can't help but just wish he could be here now to help me through this hard part of adjusting to being medicated after spending so many years NOT on anything. My ex-husband didn't believe anyone actually needed medication for anything and didn't believe that when I got post-postpartum depression on top of everything else that it was actually anything real. So, he said things that just made me feel even more awful. Blah!

I don't feel as bad as yesterday, but I still don't really have the willpower to do anything. But at least I am awake, if I can at least move off my laptop and over to my desktop to pull up Illustrator and do my homework... Then I think I can count the day a success if I don't fall behind (because if I do it'll just make me freak out that I Was so bad to my grades!), and manage to at least make sure the kids eat. Oh, and myself too of course.

I still want brownies.


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