Too tired.

I don't have anything to report feeling wise.
Aside from annoyance that there is snow outside. It's not even that much, but I am annoyed that I see nothing but white and my green grass is hidden. Please, mother nature give me back the rain? Please? I'll do a rain dance or something if that is what it takes. Really I will!



BF went to the hospital yesterday, turns out problems he's having are most likely stress/anxiety related. So, next step is trying to deal with that and hoping that if he destresses he'll start to feel better. God I hope so, I worry so much about him. :( My poor honey...

It was 2:30AM the last time I looked at the time last night. It was 7:20AM when I woke up to my first alarm and could not get back to bed to wait past my second, and then finally wake at my 3rd alarm. Managed not to have the oldest two late for school. Well okay, we got there right as the kids were heading inside because the bell rang.

I HATE the new early start time. Yes, even though we've been suffering it since September I still loathe it.

The oldest wrote something a couple of weeks ago I finally saw today. It was in her done assignments folder...

The paper goes:
"Hello, I am (name) from (name) Elementary and I am writing about my everyday hero.

My everyday hero is my mom. My mom is my hero because she takes care of me and my family no matter what. For example: right now, she is having some trouble with some of her teeth, but she still tires her best to spend time with us. My mom goes through a lot of trouble to take care of us. Such as getting into fights with my step-dad, having to spend a week/weekend without us (not including (youngest). My youngest sister, she stays home.), and getting severely hurt. My mom is the greatest mom I could ever have"

All that was put on it by her teacher was a smiley face..
I wonder what they though?

I cried, I cried and I hugged her so hard.

I did try and spend some time with them while I was in the worst of my pain. I tried to sit around and watch some cartoons.. but half way through I was in a ball quietly crying because the infection from my tooth was just insanely awful. I'm so glad that the tooth is gone.

Another note, the "step-dad" I fight with, isn't exactly her step-dad.. We never got married. He's just been around for so long they tend to call him 'dad' as well. Though this is the first time I've seen her refer to him as her step-dad.

I do have to suffer a week with out them, for five weeks total out of the summer every year. Their summer visitation with their schedule is like that. It's... extremely rough. I don't know exactly how to cook for just a couple of people anymore. You get used to cooking for 7 (ex eats for two, hah!) and then you cut it down and, well I'm no good with it. Plus it's so quiet, and so... lonely. Even youngest gets affected by it even though I try and make sure she's okay. Not lonely or bored or sad or anything. Not like I can fully help that. It's just a really strange feeling.

As for severely hurt... I guess so? I can't really afford health care so anything that happens I wait until I can't bear the pain/suffering before I finally get seen. Making sure they're happy, healthy, and taken care of to the best of my ability really has become a far far far  higher priority than giving a crap about myself has.

One day, I slipped down the stairs while taking them to bed. My big toe went towards the inside of my foot, and a lot of weight/pressure went on it. The rest of the toes went out like normal, but.. my left big toe was broken. I couldn't walk well for awhile, couldn't wear my shoes, bend my toe, and it was awful. It turned all sorts of fun colors and was extremely swollen. But I didn't go into the doctors, like I can afford the debt of it? Nope, Nope I can't. God I wish we had a health care system like other countries where they give a damn about their people. Here. No one gives much of one.

Anyway. Eventually, I lost the original nail from the toe, well half of it came off, and then the other did too as it got caught on things. Sadly, the way it all happened the toenail ended up growing in pretty severely on both sides. I tried to take care of it myself for months, by the time I was finally just in too much agony from it they had to shove a needle in my toe in many places to numb it and cut out/off the majority of my nail. Before cutting off granulated tissue that just had to go, and burning my toe/nail bed with silver nitrate sticks. (By then, the numbing was wearing off. I was in AGONY!) I spent days not able to do much. The antibiotic made my vision blurry and made me more sleepy than the vicodin I was taking for my pain management. On top of that, I wasn't supposed to be walking much for "about 3-5 days" and had to keep my foot elevated "over my heart" to reduce the throbbing pain and I guess the swelling?

So. Yes, I guess I do go through being severely hurt to take care of them.
I am sad my 10 year old realizes it so well.

I wish I could be better, healthier, safer, happier.

About 42 days, I'll finally get to see BF face to face again.

I hope those 42 days fly fast. Though I know they also bring the impending doom of my Birthday.
I'm not looking forward to it. Getting older. How did I get so close to the age I'm getting to?

Anyway..

I want to try and sleep.
But damn ex/roommate keeps playing his guitar and is playing some shooter game on his computer and talking rather loudly into his headset mic with the other places. Come on, it's 10:40 at night and you work in the morning. Go to bed. Please? Or be quiet, so I can get some rest before I fall over and cry? I'm on my darn period and it's wiping me out like there is no tomorrow on top of three nights of less than 5 hours of sleep per night. Waking up by screaming/whining/fighting only son and youngest and then finally getting another hour of rest doesn't really help matters.

I need a full happy nights rest.
I've got my jammy pants on, and BF's jammy shirt.

Let sleep take away my pain, weariness, and sorrows. Throw them out into the snow and let them melt away. 

~Shatered