28 January, 2011

Not all that good with it...

I'm scared for the morning to come.
I'm scared to have to wake up and take this medication when I let myself read about the side effects and worry what's going to happen to me!

Will I no longer be able to drive? Will my vision go blurry? Will I have a seizure? Will I shake? Will I have worse troubles sleeping?

The weight loss side effect makes me happy! Because I still have 14lbs to go to my first goal, and 24 to my final goal. So if I can get the 'help' with that, it'd be really neat. Somehow I have to remember to take this stuff at the same time every day??

I'm not sure how I will work that out! Considering I can hardly remember to EAT some days and then I don't realize it until really later that "oh yeah... I feel so crummy partially because I haven't eaten anything!" Sometimes. I can be up from 7:30am and it'll be 1:30pm before I realize I haven't even had a cup of water.

I've been doing really bad with it lately.

I meant to call the office today and get appointments back on track with JW...
I wonder if she's even able to help people who are Borderline?

I wonder what she'll say?

Will she just think I'm being difficult? I guess that is one of those things, and she did say it before. "I think sometimes you just don't want to be cheered up".
I wanted to tell her to go shove it where the sun don't shine. I mean. Really? Because I often don't have any answer to things you ask me? So I tear up while I shake my head and wonder what the heck I'm supposed to say while you sit there looking at me expectantly??? :(

Ugh... anyway.

Ex has been, amazingly supportive and nice to me since yesterday... I really appreciate him doing so.
Did I mention the chocolates he got me? We had to run an errand and he had them taped to the dashboard of his van (he got off work, we decided to run errands together, meh) with a card. That he signed "Some Random Dude" but I knew it was him and laughed about it. It was one of those rare smile moments, and it felt good. Plus, it was really good chocolate!

IS really good chocolate, because I haven't finished it all.... I don't even have the willpower/energy/desire/drive to eat my favorite chocolates. I want brownies, and have a box of brownie mix, as well as the things to make brownies from scratch.. yet I can't muster up the energy to do anything about it! Ugh!

I DID manage to put away dishes, reload, and run the dishwasher last night. Today I managed to actually get all of the kids to school. Which meant dragging myself out of bed way too early for my own good (in my mind), I also did manage to make a dinner! Not just a frozen thing or anything. Which is good!

Anyway! Aside from the chocolate he also went out and picked up take and bake Pizza last (err Wednesday) night for us. So all I had to do was toss it in the oven, take it out, cut it, serve it up and eat with the kids. Yay for nice an easy.

Today, he picked all of them up at a store I went to after I got them from school because I was okay for a little bit.. But then something just set off my anxiety and he was in the area. So I did one of my errands, he came and got them when we were done with that, took them home while I went to the grocery store to get a couple of things...

First though? I sat around in the van in the parking lot. Just sitting there, head resting against the window and just... having no energy. God why did I even drive today? Why did I just not give him the money and ask him to nicely just pick up the things for me?

So anyway.. the grocery store...

That.. didn't go so well. I was looking at the bakery at baked goods because I really just need/want/desire/crave something delicious that doesn't require the effort of .... anything really... and then the bakery lady started talking to me to see if I needed anything and I was on the brink of tears and unable to look her in the eye. I just whispered quietly I was okay while shaking my head and looking down at the stuff in my basket.

Yeah.... I was hoping the trip would be uneventful K time. Just me, just quiet, just do what I need without needing to look out for anyone or the possibility that someone is going to touch something, or want something, or need something, or ask me questions about something, get up right behind my butt, or sneak up at my side or randomly start grabbing me and making me panic. *sigh* I got myself a coffee. Somehow I could manage talking to the coffee guy but I couldn't manage the lady in the bakery?!

I have no idea, and I hate when I have such issues but there's just too many times where I cannot do it. No matter how much I want to force myself to do it... I'll just go... completely off the crying blubbering mess deep end and not know how to handle myself and want to curl up in a little ball.

God, they'd probably have had to call someone to come get me if I'd gotten much worse.
Made it through the checkout okay, which is a miracle, because I always seem to get the checkout people that seem really genuinely annoyed with being there or me and I always think it's me even though I do my best to be polite and quick and not make anyones day really bad at the store... So I get all nervous and paranoid and scared and... will dissolve into tears if I get too worked up.



He's also been nicer since I told him everything. He read up on what exactly it all means and all that, and has just been in general, nicer in even his wording of how he says things. Been offering hugs or a hair rub or just.. I don't know. It's really nice that he's not being a complete jerk over this. My head is a hard enough place to manage without outside 'assistance' in making the day to day harder to handle.


Sadly though, I keep coming to points where I'm just too quick off the handle and BF has been the one actually pushing buttons that I know.. I KNOW he doesn't mean to push. Just right now I'm so quick to melt into that tearful puddle that I can't even handle the littlest thing. Which is lame, because I feel bad and I tell him I'm sorry and I try and give advice on what it'd be nice if he did and what it'd be nice if he didn't do because of my dang inability to handle stuff lately.

I don't even know anymore.

I wonder what time I should set my 'take meds time' to be?
Not first thing when I wake up. I'm too much of a zombie right then.

Though maybe that's the best time? Grab a cup of water, take meds, go bathroom, go about day..
Praying that this stuff actually makes a difference so we can work on the other issues???

Someone want to come make me brownies? Big, soft, ooey gooey brownies with chocolate melty chunks?? Served hot with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a lovely drizzle of chocolate sauce? Oh god does that sound lovely or what?

Who cares that it's 1:48 AM? Somehow, I have to make this "need" for brownie become reality.


Please... please please please..
Wish me luck.
I'm so scared about these next few days. I want everything to be okay.
I want there to be limited side affects for me with the medication. I'm just so worried about what will happen, almost to the point where I want to say no I can't take these please give me something else that isn't so scary!

That is so wussy... :(


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