21 January, 2011


This week has been an intense struggle for me.
I have absolutely no energy to do anything at all and really would just like a day to spend doing absolutely nothing with absolutely no one wanting me for anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no homework, no work work, no reading chapters for school, no ex's wanting my attention about video games, no kids wanting me every couple of minutes.

I'd like a day of being fully pampered. Full body massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, some time in a hot tub, room service, maid service. All of that. No one expecting me to do anything other than breathe and just be.

Ahhh, if only right?
In an hour here I'll have to make sure the youngest two get lunch so I can get my son to school. I should probably run and get some groceries that we're running low on. But I'll be perfectly honest that I absolutely positively LOATHE driving on the roads when there is any snow on them.

I have absolutely no business living this far North. I hate it, my depression hates it, the area hates me. Well maybe it doesn't, but I don't have warm fuzzy feelings about my current location. Not like I can fix that any time soon. Though the ex would tell you otherwise. Somehow, magically BF will immigrate here enough though we've extensively researched the subject and it's NOT just some cut and paste easy thing that can happen over night. I'm also not going to be moving to the coast anytime either! Stop acting like somehow, magically, some the first of March I'll be 7+ hours away. Okay??

I mean, if I was going to be going that far away. I'd be packing!! I'm not moving, I can't move, I want to move, but there is no way for me/us to do that currently. So stfu and leave me alone about it already you whiney ass brat. God for someone who says he's like this because he "still wants to be with me" he sure does a stellar job of making absolutely certain that me nor anyone else would want to spend time with him.

I really should stop giving a damn. It's really hard to not give a damn at times with him here every day. Once he moves out, then it will be easier. I wont have to LIVE with it at least.

Nights with no sounds of him talking REALLY LOUD over his headset to the guys on whatever video game he's playing. Gah, I can't even be in my room talking via headset to BF after 9pm without ex getting all pissy yet he can keep me up until 2-3AM with playing guitar and loud-talking to his gaming buddies??

I've really meant to do more than I have this week.
I got all my homework done. I just haven't had the energy to do just about anything else. Did fold one load of laundry, go me. Have done a tiny bit of sewing, yay? I still have more laundry to fold, still have laundry that could use being washed. This weekend, I think I'll get to it this weekend. The oldest ones go to be with their dad for the weekend. So it'll be a little more low-key and maybe I'll get some extra sleep time seeing as it's my son who insists on waking up early on the weekends and picking some sort of fight with his little sister so I get woken up to some whining fit or another downstairs.

Why do I have no damn energy???!

I feel like I need a coffee IV but even then it just makes me a little energized yet I still have absolutely no desire to do anything as I just feel... burnt out.
I hate this big huge bed I'm lounging in as I write this.

It's so empty and it's frustrating. I keep things on the side that is empty, so I'm not sleeping with this wide open space and just feeling all alone and vulnerable. Body pillows are great and all, but they are absolutely no substitute for someone warm to snuggle up against. Feeling safe and protected as you cuddle them and fall back asleep after startled awake by some random body twitch, or scary part in a nightmare that causes you to wake up crying.

I felt more energetic until the snow came back. It's not even like it's a lot of snow! Just about 3-4 inches I'd say? Still... That along with suffering my week long woman curse has just made me feel like I have batteries that are on their last legs and it's hard enough to keep myself functioning enough that I'm not snoozing on the couch while the youngest two play video games. I did that yesterday actually. After taking my son to school, I grabbed a blanket, a pillow, and snoozed on the couch while the youngest played video games or played with toys. Of course I locked the door, and she was right there. But my god, I was just so tired and after getting a massive back and headache after slipping and falling on my butt in the ice. I just needed to sleep as I couldn't really handle how utterly awful I was feeling.

I feel sleepy like I'm on intense painkillers. Sadly I know I'm not because my mouth hurts, my rear end hurts, my knee hurts, my back hurts, and my head is starting to throb something fierce again.

I feel so much older than my actual age, not that I know what people my age actually should feel like, I just expected that someone may age (inching towards 27...) to feel.... Not so absolutely out of sorts, tired, old, and... just worn.

I want to go swimming.

I don't want to take the kids.
I just want to go swimming.
Buy myself a suit that fits, as my dieting and doing well at it means that my bathing suit is far too large now.
Spend a time swimming just by myself. I don't want to hold anyone as they want to learn how to swim, I don't want to try and divide my attention four ways. I want to focus on me, the water, the weightlessness. The way I feel just gliding through, surrounded by my element (I'm a fish, a Pisces.), just being.. just enjoying..

I think I need to find a gym with a pool and take a water aerobics class! A gym with a pool and a daycare so I can put the kids there and get about an hour or so just to myself. Just relaxing, enjoying, oh god would that be amazing or what?


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