30 January, 2011

Not so much.

I feel strange on these meds.
 I know that it's only really been two days and I need more time to really get the full effects of them and all that, but at times I just feel like I need to cry over things and I just can't. Though I can't tell you why I need to cry at random things other than the fact that doing so is just my 'norm'. Ew, god that is disgusting to say. My norm is to cry at random videos on YouTube, commercials that are insanely harmless to everyone but somehow can make me cry for... Hours?!

I finally drove today.
I was scared to do it yesterday, since the warning for the meds said to not do anything like that until you know how you'll react to the meds..

Hmm, aside from noticing all the strange quirks and bad points of my van I did okay, a little more spacey than I'd like but I forced myself to be really hyper attentive.

I went to Wal*Mart because we needed some things, the last of the bread went bad (good thing I didn't plan sandwiches for lunch like my son wanted!!), we were out of the 2% milk, and I needed something easy for dinner because my appetite is still gone though I've managed to eat decent today despite that. Ugh, I made it to 1400+ calories today and I feel so nasty that I've allowed myself to eat that much!

I'm not so sure about the point of the meds giving me more energy to do things? Though I know depression sucks your hmmm want to do anything out the window? Well I mean I wanted to do things, I planned to do things, I just couldn't actually get myself to do anything. Even though I wanted to, I didn't have the energy and I just could not possess myself to do those things.

I spent a lot of time in bed today, just on my laptop, found other blogs from people who suffer from all this like I do. So I read some, and I read some of my book for school. I still hate that they have switched to digital books, I like paper books! I like touching pages! I need to touch the pages! Curl up with the book and absorb the information without the directed light that is from a glow of a computer monitor. Curling up with the book on the reader they provide on my desktop or my laptop is just NOT the same as a real book.

I didn't actually get out of bed aside from to pee until a late lunch, where I actually made lunch, and cleaned up the kitchen floor though I haven't managed to mop in a little too long for my own good. Ugh, I need to ask the kids for more help but I know they're still young but maybe 10 isn't too young to learn how to use the steam mop since it's pretty much easy! Actually it IS easy, no reason I shouldn't be able to do it but I don't want them growing up without the ability to do anything or the sense of responsibility to do things. Then again they are kids and I ..... fuck I don't even know.

I'll just do it when I can, they did do a fair bit of cleaning up just so the oldest could have her sleep over tonight. I am so not equipped to handle other peoples kids! More so when I ask them to turn off guitar hero because singing loudly at 10PM when the other kids are sleeping when I've expressed more than once to TURN IT OFF just... how do I react? I can't freak out in front of the friend! So I have to put on this freaking front that I'm okay when really inside I am not doing okay at all. I just want my peace and quiet! It's night time, kids should be asleep, I want peace and quiet.

THEN they get the idea to ass around and make noise with the little colorable cardboard playhouse thing and I have to go in there three times to say be quiet because now it's almost midnight at the point I'm saying it!! Geez go to bed! I want to go to bed! Stop making so much noise! I can't sleep without the dark and quiet and the peace of knowing that everyone else is sleeping and things are okay and I just can't do it and I'm sitting here writing this listening to music in my headphones that they were LOUDER than and I just... please go to sleep girls?! Please please please?? I need my evening peace, I need it.. so much.. please give me my evening peace.. or I will be fucked come morning when I cannot handle myself and go off all one way or another with some crazy ass mood swing and your friend will tell her parents and they'll never let her back and it'll cause problems..




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