26 January, 2011

Those three words.

I didn't want to hear them.

BF and I had talked about it, because I had noticed the possibility that could be me.
But we talked about it and decided, no I wasn't "that bad".

I didn't bring it up to the doctor, I didn't even think about it today.
I think my diagnosis of "Bi-polar" would stand, instead she said them. After a talking and looking over my records from previous doctors, counselors, and my current counselor.
She said the three words that stole my breath and punched me in the face.

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

I stared, I shook my head, and the tears came instantly.

That is what my diagnosis now is. Borderline Personality Disorder with Depression.
Just great.

Then of course my mind floods to the forum of people who hate their wives/girlfriends/siblings/mothers/friends with such a disorder. HATE them, LOATHE them, WISH THEM DEAD! WISH THEM TO DISAPPEAR.

And I cried..
and cried... and shook my head, and said no.. no no not that, I didn't want to be that!
It's like a death sentence.

My fears came to harsh reality after I'd done so well to squash them before I ever even got back into counseling. Yet there it is.

There I am.

There it is....

And it's true..

As horrible as it is, it's true. Though I've read some things that are a bit extreme and I cannot see myself in them. So perhaps, just maybe, all is not lost.

The doctor called in some anti-depressants for me, but the pharmacy was out and will have them tomorrow at noon. I can pick them up, and I start them Saturday morning. As she suggests I take them in the morning.

I have an appointment in three weeks to see how I am going, and we'll work on other medications to help with the other aspects of... it.

Of... me.

I checked with the school about counseling, I guess they just find you someplace close, and give you 4 free sessions.
Well the closest person they found was clear a 40min drive way. Look, if I could afford the gas to get there and back, I'd be sticking with my current counselor!
So, I will have to find a way just to get back on with J.W again, and see how that goes.

I have to find a way, and hopefully she has... experience dealing with someone with what I have. If not, the doctor did say that some of their counselors in the office do. So perhaps I will have to change, but at least it's close enough to home that I don't have to spend a good 80min driving once a week JUST for therapy.

My mommy friends on a forum are being really supportive, BF is being really supportive, even the EX was supportive and kind today. He bought me some of my favorite chocolates, and a cute/funny 'get well soon' card, and had it taped to the dashboard if his car before our errand when he got off work today. Right in front of my seat. I really appreciate that he did that, just something to try and make my day better considering how crushing the news was. I know it shouldn't be crushing, I know it should be good to know WHAT exactly is wrong with me.

But.. reading what I read, and seeing all these books on how to get away from what people consider people like me.. Like... we're monsters, we're evil, it's all our fault, it's... bla bla bla..

Google-fu is not my friend at times, in fact, it just makes it worse. Just makes my self-loathing even worse to know how awful people see people who suffer from this. And yes, it is suffering, It's suffering and that is why I am going to do whatever I can to get as absolutely better as I can. Whatever meds it takes, whatever time in therapy it takes, whatever silly homework or exercises it takes... I want to do them, because I know that this is all fsked up and I just need to be better. For myself, for the kids, for my friends, for BF...

Well, I'm 30 minutes late on getting the kids to bed. So I really need to go do that.

I'll write, well, most likely soon. As I attempt to process all of this better...


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