30 April, 2011

My crab is the perfect pet for me, plus some positivity.

  1. It requires absolutely no dealing with poop. Just dirty water when the water needs changed, which is not that often and does not stink up the house.
  2. It does not destroy ANYTHING of mine.
  3. It does not make loud noises and keep me up at night.
  4. It is not demanding
  5. It does not fight anyone. 
  6. It does not cause pain
  7. It's improving condition since buying it proves that I can care for something fairly well.
  8. It's there, in that spot, no matter what. I can walk there, and it's there! In it's little tank, just living it's little life.
Isn't that just perfect? It doesn't stick it's butthole in my face. It doesn't ruin my couch. The first couch I ever bought myself. Like EX's dumb cat has, ugh, my poor couch! It doesn't make noises at night. It doesn't attack the kids. It doesn't poop and stink up the house. It requires very very little maintenance, and watching it grow and thrive brings me happiness as I talk to it in that little baby voice. "Ohhh who's my sweet little crabby-one?" 

It's like having a baby doll that moves, it's like playing house with something far more easier than anything else real... REALLY can be. I mean, how easy is it? I feed it when it needs it, which isn't that often because it doesn't eat that much. It's tiny, so I give it a pellet and some dried little shrimpies a couple times a week and that's it. Other than that the only job I have it to make sure the water doesn't get to nasty and to coo over how adorable it is when I walk by it. No idea why.

It's a crab.

It looks like a freaking spider you know? and I HATE spiders.

Yet I love this crab. Unreasonably love this little crab. Maybe not unreasonably. It's a form of balance, it's an easiness and calmness in the center of my little world. Right there, is something I can do, that does not overwhelm me in the slightest. No money requests for expensive field trips and things that I cannot really afford. No dinners to cook. No trips to friends parties. No sleep overs. No fights with siblings. No demanding of food twice a day. Stinking up the bathroom like the cat. Back talking. Nothing.

It's just there, a center of serenity in my otherwise overly chaotic world that makes me want to curl up in a ball and disappear pretty much at least 5 times a day.


A quick break for positivity. Three things that went well today.

- My son made it a week on 'green' in class. Meaning he didn't get in trouble and therefore be a PITA to one of his teachers or anything like that. This is a GREAT thing, so much that he got a prize from our prize box! I was so excited!! I still am!

- The Ice Cream I bought yesterday was absolutely delicious!!

- I didn't get overly mad at anyone today, despite getting close, I just did not get mad enough to yell, scream, fight, get in anyones face, or even get the urge to spank/hit anyone. This is good, as I try really really really hard to keep the self control I lack... pretty often.


Today that was surprisingly simple! YAY! It's good that I found things to be positive about without struggling in the slightest.

Now here's some not to sweet wonderful fluffiness.
I took a couple of different personality disorder quizzes and things..
I end up having.. a bit of things according to them and that sucks... badly.
Yet reading up on these things, I cannot deny for the most part..

I... am an absolutely disgusting.. flawed.. worthless... thing..
I don't even know.
I don't want to be myself anymore.

I need to recreate a me, in a different body, with a different brain, but that looks just like me. So that the world can have someone who is worth having.

This.. me... this.. whatever.. just.. needs to.. disappear.

So I'm what...? A Dependent-Avoidant-Borderline-Schizotypical, Paranoid-Antisocial-Histronic person... holy fuck. How disgusting is that?


1 comment:

  1. Quit taking those silly quizes. I used to until I realized I was a bit of everything and I think very normal people might score high with regard to insanity.
    Anyway, you are so totally worth having in this world. You can look just like you and be you. That is what I have learned over the years. I am 63 and have dealt with BPD forever, and can tell you it indeed gets better. You are you and you are lovely!!! Some days are good and some are not. That is true for all of us.