28 April, 2011


Was completely exhausting, I didn't even write about it because I just didn't want to have to dredge it all back up into view. My sleep isn't so great lately, and I'm getting the cold the kids were suffering and so I'm not doing so well. I'm light headed and dizzy on top of it all, which I think is from the massive amounts of sinus pressure I am suffering through right this moment.

I got my "mid term" grades for class. 100% baby, Awww yeah! This class is, really easy, I like that though, because I'm stressing how I am going to afford the massive tab of the art supplies I need for my next class when it starts in two weeks. *gagging* Artist Markers are expensive, sure it's likely I should have had them before now or something, an art desk too, but the fact of the matter is that I didn't/don't so I have to hurry up and figure out what on earth I am going to do for it now. Nothing in my etsy shop sells very fast, because I don't really have a ton up there at any given time so I am not one of the better known sellers there. I'm starting to consider just selling my DSi or something just to make up at least some of the cost. I know I don't use it enough to justify having it.. but.. *sigh* you know.. That's lame of me to admit.

Anyway, Yesterday I had a day of Therapy. She gave me homework for the next week. Working on figuring out what it behind my irritability.

I need to step back and think the following:

What else am I feeling being the irritation? Overwhelmed? Sad? Stressed? Pushed? Taking on too much/trying to do everything too perfectly? Sad? Tired? etc?

How is my body reacting?

I can't remember the other two... oh darn! I'll have to email the office and see if I can get a hold of her via email to see what the other two were..
I had to rush out of there because like I mentioned before right after my appointment I had my appointment to get my mental health evaluation for disability. That took over an hour! I expected maybe an hour, and it ended up being an hour and a half! Wow..

I ended up crying a lot, because he had to ask very deep questions into my past and things like that so it was, extremely difficult. He told me about doing DBT and I told him that Dr. L and I were working on that starting next week and she said we could go as quickly or as fast as I was comfortable with. She's... so absolutely nice! I was scared during the appointment for disability, nervous as heck. Lots and lots of questions I think he had to diagnose me and things like that. He brought up ADHD, but I wasn't this way as a child and I've noticed that ADHD has some similiar symptoms as BPD. But there are some things about BPD that aren't ADHD, though I can see them tying together, along with the depression.

Now I didn't have to go as deep with him as I did with Dr. L on things. We did talk though, and she said she was surprised I managed things as well as I do all things considered. That from now on she and I are going to work on nurturing that inner hurting 4 year old who is in control so much and trying to make the adult me in control as much as we can get her to be. Her voice is so soothing and lovely, I feel better with her. Even when she called me a brat there wasn't the same kind of agitating and frustration behind it that I felt with Dr. J.. It's... very nice. She feels go good to be around, and that little 4 year old can listen, nodding even though she doesn't always like what she is hearing.

Dr. J had this way that that four year old put up walls and we closed off so the conversations ended up just being the 'all over the place' not really helpful type of conversations that got us very far.
I really do feel like Dr. L is a step in the right directon.
I am not really sure how things will go with disability after yesterdays appointment. I am sure that most often than not you get rejected before you appeal and have to go through a giant process all over again. Maybe I will be lucky and not have to go through that, just the very idea, and the what if runs through my head all the time pretty damn often are really heart breaking.

Does anyone else do that? Any of you with BPD? Have these terrible, awful, "What If" situations about anything and everything run through your heart and head so you panic? All of them are awful, everything you think of, it's all these terrible situations and sometimes. Only sometimes, does it strike you that you may be a monster for letting these things to to your mind in the first place?

Or am I just even more fucked up than I thought? I wish I knew how to make a poll here.. hmmm



  1. I just started the disability application and couldn't even feel out the darn initial application I was so agitated. I've heard almost everyone gets denied the first time and that you have to hire a lawyer for the appeal if you want to win.
    Good luck!

  2. I relate so well to your comments about "What Ifs". My mum says even as a child I would cross the bridge before the river was even made. I always have worse case scenarios in my mind to help me cope -- like, if I was to quit my job what is the worst that would happen? I have to convince myself I can survive even the worst What If, otherwise I would never do or say anything. It's truly exhausting to live like this, so I sympathise with you Shattered. Best of luck with your application and everything else xx